Paedophile OCD

[Sunflower]

Today I did exposure by being around my friend and her little two year old. I picked her up and danced with her and had her sitting on my lap. The first time I picked her up was very hard because I had my hand around her leg and I kept thinking that I wanted to move my hand to somewhere else which really freaked me out. Is this normal for when you start doing exposure?

[bet]

apologies dont know alot on OCD sunflower,but I can imagine that would freak anyone out especially if that mode of thinking is not their personality.

[Granty]

Hi Sunflower,

Just wanted to say how brave I think you are for coming on here and being so open about your problem.

I too suffer these horrible, horrible fears in relation to my daughter.

I know only too well what you are going through.

I have recovered and relapsed many times and am having a tough time just now but know I can pull through again.

Please just realise that when you say you think you wanted to move your hand you actually didn't 'want' to - it is a distorted perception based on your fear of the situation.

It's a logical extension of the 'what-if' scenario i.e. the strange thought of 'what if I moved my hand somewhere else' so easily makes the transition to the totally TERRIFYING thought of 'I want to move my hand somewhere else' because you are so, so fearful of the situation. It is the symptoms of extreme stress which you are feeling because the thought is so morally repugnant to you. If you were a genuinely bad person then the situation wouldn't bother you. But it does, it's ruining your life - just like it did to me for a while - this proves you would never do this thing.

It's easy to talk rationally about it but I know how utterly terrifying it feels.

Once again though I think you are amazing for opening up about this matter which is such a taboo subject to talk about. If I hadn't seen your post I don't think I could have disclosed my own similar fears on here.

I'm sure you will go on to have a wonderful relationship with your boyfriends daughter and you'll be able to consign this present difficult time to nothing more than a bad memory.

I still feel awful guilty about why this thing happened to me - as though it's some kind of character defect - but ultimately, for me, it comes down to extreme low self-esteem I think and I am getting over it slowly but surely.

Some days can be hard mind you (I was in tears last night!) but I am determined to do it and be a good Dad again and enjoy my life with my family once more.

Best wishes,

Granty.

[Lilith1980]

Hi Sunflower

I went through a patch of having these thoughts enter my head a few years ago. I went to the cinema once with an ex boyfriend and was sat next to a little girl and these horrible thoughts kept coming into my head. I was convinced I was going to hurt her, and that I wanted to hurt her.

I was so upset and disgusted with myself, that is not me at all. I dwelt on it for days afterwards.

I was out this weekend and was trying on wedding dresses with my friend. She'd brought her 5 year old daughter with her and the little girl was trying on dresses too. Because the shop was small and there were other customers we ended up sharing a changing room. I felt a bit uncomfortable and I didnt want to see the girl undressed in case someone "caught me" looking at her and thought I was a pervert.

My friend would pop out now and again to get another dress and I didnt like being left on my own with the girl. I know I wouldnt do anything, I know I'm not like that, but I felt very uneasy. I dont know why.

I dont have any advice but you're not alone hun.

Jo xxxxx

p.s Didnt realised I'd replied already in October but these things have happened recently so I'm not repeating myself!

[fifi]

Reminds me of my PND. I was admitted to a mother and baby ward with high levels of anxiety but at that point not about anything in particular, where I happened to walk in to the main lounge where a very sick Mum told me that she had constant thoughts of harming her baby. I remember being highly alarmed that not only did she feel like this (very naive to PND then), but that she was telling me this. That was all it took..... I became convinced that I was going to feel this was too. To me there was nothing worse in this life than to harm young children, it was as bad as it could possibly be, I was this bad person like those people you read about in the papers and see on the news, and this thought, fear became a constant battle to the point that just even holding my daughter would fill me with terror. The staff within the unit refused to let me back off from my daughter, told me that I would never harm her, made sure that she was with me constantly, it was just a thought, nothing else. I went on to have many fears within my time there, and what you do realise is that anxiety is the same whatever. It could be about almost anything but for most of us latches on to what we fear, upsets us the most. These are just thoughts distressing as they are, and not who you are as a person.

[pinkdante]

These thoughts are more common than you think and are presented to decent people who fear that the most. A mantra that I believe is helpful (in a sing song manner) is ' Its Not Me, Its my OCD'.

I think people are for obvious reasons scared of mentioning intrusive thoughts, but as you can see by looking at this site it IS the OCD that comes in to play with your mind - not your rational brain, the other thing is you know you wouldn't in reality do anything harmful and the I think the more you run from these thoughts the more they try it on - so to speak.

If you can - try and see the ridiculous side of it - laugh (out loud if you have to) Put it in its place -

Lots of luck.

[rozza]

Hiya,

I've had thoughts like this too. I saw a counsellor a number of years ago and although I was too frightened of getting locked up to tell her about these thoughts I did allude to them, to which I was told to avoid children basically (the wrong way of going about getting better!). Since then I've been fortunate enough be able to understand OCD and to get myself well using CBT self-help techniques and now know that the best way to rid you of the fears is to face them (a good book is overcoming OCD, David Veale and Rob Wilson).

You're not alone, the thoughts do get better (your ability to manage them definitely will).

Rozza

[NeedSerenity]

OMG! I know how hard it is to talk about this. These thoughts also plague me and I swear to God I'd rather not live than to do anything harmful to any child. I'm so thankful for this site. And I pray for everyone that we can all work through this.

[makenzie]

hi i have experienced similar stuff to you, and i am currently going through it now. It is upsetting i no. My form of this horrible ocd, is even more outrageous to yours, e.g. I could be driving my car down the road and see a kid on the pavement, 10 mins later i could get a horrible thought/image in my head, and then worry that i may have done something to the kid. I bet if there were cameras in the coffee shop, you would check, snap ive had those thoughts too. Its just ocd, remember and you have not done anything wrong. If you want to speak again, dont feel like you cant hold anything back, just ask me a question, and dont feel embarased, because i have plenty of embarasing things that set my ocd thoughts of, to do with this topic.take care.mak.

[Oceangirl]

Once i was babysitter for a single mum n her 2 twin 34 yrs old girls and a son. One night the mother came to me and says i wanna a word with u!!!! i was like what. OK?? she said oh matthew (her 9 rs old son) says whilst u was babysitting u touched his sisters under thyre skirtswhils i was out.. I was like WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u WHAT!! how daRE U accuse me of a doing anything to them. Next day she comes to me n says to her son Mathhew?? what do u say to JO. "sorry jo". I said to the mum whats up?? she said that her son had set me up for a game to accuse me falsely of abusing his sisters. NOW iv not been able to babysit anymore for anyone of FEAR of being put in prison 4 nothing. What of it happens again ?? i say to myself:( It ruined my life. nOW WHEN AM NEAR KIDS i wonder if folk think im a weordo or sumthing when actually i LOVE kids. Am dead against sexual stuff with kids too!!! Maybe my GP can help me??