I suffer from HA mainly for a long time.
Everything came and went away. Heart, muscle, ALS, throat issues.

I did worry about all of them as that is what HA is right.

Before summer my doctor said maybe you should increase your meds a little and get some ease of mind. I am on 5mg of paroxetine since like 5 years and coming from 10mg before.

So I did for 1 day and it got me spinning. I read the paper that said suicidal toughts.
The next day I woke up and my brain went, what if there is no other solution for me. Ofcourse there always is but it freaked me out. I made a post on that too.

Anyway it costed me so much energy thinking why I would think that and finding reasons why that is nonsense, there are plenty by the way.

At the same time I had this heavily reduced emotions, so when I tought of things I would normaly be exited about they seem not or less exiting at that time. Would that be a safety function of my mind?
So the worry continued, what if I am depressed and get out of control or fall into a deep hole.

Luckily those toughts got to the background a little after holyday and I seemed to care less about them. I gave them no attention.

Now I sometimes have a bad feeling like nothing means anything and it scares me. Then I want to take my mind to a happy thing but these things don’t make me feel better then. Then this feeling brings up that word of suicide again which I ignore.

Still i find myself worrying why I think about that. I LOVE to be here with my kids and wife and I have nothing to complain about besides a stressy job.

Also sometimes I find myself in a stuck mind not able to think about anything. Then I descide to realy live in the moment which eases the problem, but it scares me.

I am afraid of going crazy or slip into a deep depression but I dont want that. I want to be happy, have a clear mind to think. I also want to know what to do to prevent slipping badly.

I do enjoy playing music or gaming and reading, playing with the kids.
Only thinking about those things don’t feel so excited anymore. When I do it its fun.
I love going to soccer practice with my son talk to the dads and have a beer.

Would this be some mental anxiety thing instead of the physical I had before or would it be depression related.

I also don’t blame on myself. I am a good employee and a good dad and husband. I am also proud of what I accomplished so far.

To give you an example about those emotions, I used to worry excessive about my son when he was ill or sad. When I heard a tragic story about a kid I would reflect it on mine and tought about losing a kid. These emotions were realy heavy. When I think about it now It does not touch me that hard and I also think “ that will not happen so you don’t need that strong emotion”. But in the end it meens my emotions have changed somehow to a more numb state if that makes sense.

Can anyone help me relate or explain?

Currently I am doing sofrology and the lady knows about this stuff.
Saturday I will also go to a seminar about thinking and anxiety in general.

I want to do anything to get better but currently the steps I take don’ bring results and that also scares me.

Thanks for helping!


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