HIV Fear

[O_O]

With the amount of energy/money you've put into (preserving your eggs and seeking sperm donation), your physical (and mental) health should be your prime objective, nothing self induced should put that at risk! Maturity issues yet again

I don't think criticising my personality or judging my life choices will help.

Maybe I am immature. And, yes, I definitely made a mistake having unprotected sex. I know that better than anyone.

Ultimately, I'm actually proud of how well I've been doing. Two years ago I was in a terrible place. Now, I function normally and work very hard every day to maintain good habits such as making myself healthy food, seeing my friends, going on the occasional date, and keeping up with chores. I have a good job and I rarely take time off. I am good with money and manage to save while still paying all my bills. I'm there for my friends when they need me. I'm very independent (albeit by necessity rather than choice). I had a breakdown two years ago so I'll never be perfect mentally but I'm coping very well and rebuilding my life. My ultimate goal that I look forward to is having my own family and being a mother.

Recently, I had a blip, I made a mistake, and I had unprotected sex once. I came back into here because now I have some health anxiety regarding HIV. All I am looking for is support regarding my HIV fear. I am not looking to have my personality criticised, or to be reminded of the mistakes I have made, or to judged on my life choices or my goals.

[Fishmanpa]

All I am looking for is support regarding my HIV fear. I am not looking to have my personality criticised, or to be reminded of the mistakes I have made, or to judged on my life choices or my goals.

Sadly, it's these very things that are causing your distress and anxiety.

Positive thoughts

[O_O]

Sadly, it's these very things that are causing your distress and anxiety.

Positive thoughts

The reason I'm stressed at the moment is because I made the mistake of having unprotected sex. I know that.

The reason I'm more stressed about it than other people would be is that I have been affected by anxiety issues ever since my breakdown two years ago.

The reason I had a breakdown (I think) is that my second miscarriage was extremely complicated and the medical procedures to remove the pregnancy failed three times before I was finally ok. And my relationship ended not long after. And, yes, maybe it was just my personality a bit.

Unfortunately, all these things have happened now. I literally cannot change them. I just wanted support because I'm anxious waiting for my HIV results. I don't know what else to say.

[Fishmanpa]

Obviously from what you've shared on the forum, the events in your life have affected you profoundly. As you've gotten some very logical reassurance that's not really making a dent in your anxiety at the moment, perhaps as has been suggested many times before, real life professional help to help come to terms with the past, help you understand how it's affected you and influencing your current life decisions and give you the tools to deal with the present and moving forward is in order.

Positive thoughts

[BlueIris]

For what it's worth, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I also think it's great that you've managed to pull your life back from where it previously was.

[O_O]

Fish, thanks. Yes, some of the comments have definitely been very helpful. It was reassuring to be reminded that most people on here who've been scared of HIV don't have it. Also, WiseMonkey's advice about the HIV tests was very useful and that makes me realise that the man's HIV results were almost certainly accurate.

I'm still nervous about my results but rationally I know my risk is low.

I do see a therapist. She doesn't really offer any advice (that's how it works in the UK unfortunately) but at least I can talk about stuff.

BlueIris, thanks, things are much better on the whole. I wish I hadn't messed up and had unprotected sex obviously because that's stressing me out now but generally I'm doing well.

Also, I'm sorry, I didn't even ask how any of you were! I was so wrapped up in HIV fears. Fish, WiseMonkey, BlueIris, I hope you are all doing well. I haven't spoken to any of you in a long time.

[meduke]

Twice I slept with two strange men. Unprotected sex. I became convinced I had HIV. I went to a free clinic and had the rapid test done which was negative. Then I went to see my family doctor for a pap and full STI screen. I broke down crying, convinced I had some STI or another. I was fine, all clear. I honestly would not be worried about it. I know that's easier said than done, but no doubt so many of us have been there before.

[O_O]

Twice I slept with two strange men. Unprotected sex. I became convinced I had HIV. I went to a free clinic and had the rapid test done which was negative. Then I went to see my family doctor for a pap and full STI screen. I broke down crying, convinced I had some STI or another. I was fine, all clear. I honestly would not be worried about it. I know that's easier said than done, but no doubt so many of us have been there before.

Thank you! I got my results back and I'm fine, thank goodness. No HIV, Chlamydia, syphilis or gonorrhea. I know people are having unprotected sex constantly, and don't really worry about it, but I was losing my mind! Especially since I thought I could have put my fertility at even greater risk.

I definitely won't put myself in that position again. Not worth the stress. Sort of feel like I should give up on dating altogether 🤦🏻*♀️ If I meet someone organically that'll be great but I think I'm just going to focus on my ultimate goal of having a family and providing a wonderful environment for a baby 🙂

Glad you're in the clear too!

[Quinn1]

That is good too hear.
Now you know not to screw around without using protection.

[WiseMonkey]

Thank you! I got my results back and I'm fine, thank goodness. No HIV, Chlamydia, syphilis or gonorrhea. I know people are having unprotected sex constantly, and don't really worry about it, but I was losing my mind! Especially since I thought I could have put my fertility at even greater risk.

I definitely won't put myself in that position again. Not worth the stress. Sort of feel like I should give up on dating altogether 臘*♀️ If I meet someone organically that'll be great but I think I'm just going to focus on my ultimate goal of having a family and providing a wonderful environment for a baby 

Glad you're in the clear too!

Great news for you Giving up dating at your age is really defeatist, you don't have to sleep with everyone you date! If/when you do find a suitable partner use protection until you have been monogamous for 3-4 months then both go and get tested for HIV & STD's. This is what lots of people do, you know your safe and it saves a lot of stress all round. My partner and I even did this (6 years ago) and I was 56. Good luck for the future