Does it ever end?

[sarahsarah]

I’ve been suffering from health anxiety for over a decade now and I don’t know if it will ever go away. It comes and goes, sometimes I can go for months without it being really bad and other times it consumes my every waking moment, completely spoiling my enjoyment of life. Right now it is pretty bad.

This month alone I have diagnosed myself with:

Heart attack
Stroke
MS/ MD/ ALS
Breast cancer (primary and secondary)
Cervical cancer
Ovarian cancer
Lymphoma (my oldest friend)
Pancreatic cancer
Some form of dementia
Colorectal cancer
And probably more that I have forgotten about right now.


I realise there is only so much you can do to keep illness at bay and a lot of it is down to chance but I exercise, I eat well 90% of the time, I keep up with my medical appointments, I meditate, I don’t smoke at all or drink much alcohol, yet still I feel I have no control and could be stricken down with illness at any time, especially if I am happy and not going through a period of anxiety. I even thought twice about paying off the balance for a vacation we are taking in January the other day as I was thinking I would either be ill or dead by then.

Does everyone think like this to a certain extent? Are we all worried about getting ill or something happening to our health and some people are just better at dealing with it than others? How can I be more like the people who just deal with it?

I am doing a bit better these days in that I don’t google any more. That has helped a lot. But I still feel I am missing out on life. Has anyone got through the other side?

[always scared]

I don't think it will ever end for me. I've had HA my whole adult life so far. I too go through months of feeling ok and than I am consumed with extreme worry for weeks on end.
This year has been really bad. I am falling down the rabbit hole as we speak. If I get any pain anywhere in my body that doesn't clear up in a few days I lose it. Right now I'm having so many different symptoms I don't know what to think. Just this week I've been worried about stomach, pancreas, esophagus, throat and lung cancer. I'm having a lot of stomach and acid reflux issues so my mind thinks WHAT IF it's really not that BUT cancer

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in the way you are thinking or feeling
Mary

[aolbfs]

Just dealing with it is no guarantee of freedom from anxiety symptoms, I'm afraid to tell you.
I was diagnosed with leukaemia five years ago and I thought I was dealing with it in a positive manner.
But anxiety crept in, nonetheless [after I also developed cancer on my now-removed left kidney] and I am currently recovering from an extreme episode which has lasted six months so far.
Illness comes for us all and there is no avoiding it.
If it's a serious illness or one that is life-limiting, it's a little unreasonable to expect to be totally free from worry over it.
You'd be a robot if you weren't in some way afraid.
Episodes of anxiety, however weak or intense, will eventually pass. Anxiety is part of the human condition. If you were never anxious, how would you know what calm felt like?
If you were never depressed, how would you know what real contentment feels like? Anxiety affects us all differently. Some manage it well and suffer only relatively short episodes.
Others, like me, handle it less well and, as a result, the episodes seem to last much longer.
You react to things how you react to them. It's ok, don't beat yourself up about it.
It's really awful feeling the way you do, but all I can say is what I tell myself when I'm unwell - "This is just a very frightening and extremely unpleasant experience, but it's not dangerous, it won't harm me long-term and it will pass, eventually".
I know this because I have suffered this twice before in life. It took about 36 months to recover from the first episode and about 15 months to recover from the second.
This episode is six months old and I already feel much more recovered than in the previous two episodes.
Anxiety is always with us. I, thankfully, get long breaks in between episodes of being unwell, but when the second episode occurred, I realised this is just what happens when I get too anxious for too long.
Be kind to yourself. When you have anxious thoughts, just recognise and accept them and then just let them pass.
Try to gently focus your attention externally, rather than inwardly, which just makes things worse.
Anxiety causes me to 'derealise', when the world looks 'unreal' or 'dreamlike', even though I know it's neither.
My head feels like it's in a vice, applying pressure on my head in every direction and I become fixated on checking how the world looks and the sensation of pressure in my head from the instant I wake until the instant I fall asleep again.
But it always passes, as the brain settles down and stops firing off your adrenal glands to flood you with stress hormones.
Instead of worrying of every disease which could possibly happen to you, just think that something is eventually going to and keep it vague like that.
Eventually, you will become more at peace with the fact that life is a terminal illness, which no-one escapes alive, but that it's really wonderful to be here, whatever time we get.
It's not going to be happy-clappy or always free from anxiety, but it's still a wonderful gift, this life we get!
A good anxiety therapist would help you contextualise and mitigate your health anxieties.
I wish you good luck in getting well again!

[WiseMonkey]

Just dealing with it is no guarantee of freedom from anxiety symptoms, I'm afraid to tell you.
I was diagnosed with leukaemia five years ago and I thought I was dealing with it in a positive manner.
But anxiety crept in, nonetheless [after I also developed cancer on my now-removed left kidney] and I am currently recovering from an extreme episode which has lasted six months so far.
Illness comes for us all and there is no avoiding it.
If it's a serious illness or one that is life-limiting, it's a little unreasonable to expect to be totally free from worry over it.
You'd be a robot if you weren't in some way afraid.
Episodes of anxiety, however weak or intense, will eventually pass. Anxiety is part of the human condition. If you were never anxious, how would you know what calm felt like?
If you were never depressed, how would you know what real contentment feels like? Anxiety affects us all differently. Some manage it well and suffer only relatively short episodes.
Others, like me, handle it less well and, as a result, the episodes seem to last much longer.
You react to things how you react to them. It's ok, don't beat yourself up about it.
It's really awful feeling the way you do, but all I can say is what I tell myself when I'm unwell - "This is just a very frightening and extremely unpleasant experience, but it's not dangerous, it won't harm me long-term and it will pass, eventually".
I know this because I have suffered this twice before in life. It took about 36 months to recover from the first episode and about 15 months to recover from the second.
This episode is six months old and I already feel much more recovered than in the previous two episodes.
Anxiety is always with us. I, thankfully, get long breaks in between episodes of being unwell, but when the second episode occurred, I realised this is just what happens when I get too anxious for too long.
Be kind to yourself. When you have anxious thoughts, just recognise and accept them and then just let them pass.
Try to gently focus your attention externally, rather than inwardly, which just makes things worse.
Anxiety causes me to 'derealise', when the world looks 'unreal' or 'dreamlike', even though I know it's neither.
My head feels like it's in a vice, applying pressure on my head in every direction and I become fixated on checking how the world looks and the sensation of pressure in my head from the instant I wake until the instant I fall asleep again.
But it always passes, as the brain settles down and stops firing off your adrenal glands to flood you with stress hormones.
Instead of worrying of every disease which could possibly happen to you, just think that something is eventually going to and keep it vague like that.
Eventually, you will become more at peace with the fact that life is a terminal illness, which no-one escapes alive, but that it's really wonderful to be here, whatever time we get.
It's not going to be happy-clappy or always free from anxiety, but it's still a wonderful gift, this life we get!
A good anxiety therapist would help you contextualise and mitigate your health anxieties.
I wish you good luck in getting well again!

Thank you for sharing this post, you have given some great advice with a positive attitude. I hope your health continues to get better

[Fishmanpa]

I do believe it's an individual thing. That said, there's one ex-member that comes to mind. cpe1978 (Chris). When he first came on the boards he was all over the place. For several years he had one thing after another. He had a defining moment and he decided to take hold of the dragon. He worked hard, overcame a lot, has done amazing and maintained his recovery. In fact, he founded a Facebook page dedicated to recovery (reassurance seeking gets called out and stopped in it's tracks). Check out his STICKY.... It's inspiring.

Positive thoughts

[sarahsarah]

Thanks to everyone who has replied to me in this thread, I really appreciate it. Thank you for opening up and letting me and others in on your most personal of stories.

I understand that in life we will get ill, we will have things to deal with and yes, we will all die one day. I currently live with a couple of serious but manageable health conditions and I honestly don't worry about those, I just get on with it, and do what I can to make those conditions more manageable and they are not part of my health anxiety. I just feel like I am missing out on enjoying life whilst I am healthy and able to do so and that I am wasting good years on worry, mainly about things which are mostly in my head. It's almost like I can't allow myself to be happy.

I'm going to read in detail the sticky Fishmanpa suggested and see how I get on from there. Thanks again everyone

[lofwyr]

I can offer this advice.

I was like you. I worried about the unknowable future (really the source of most people's anxiety, when it is boiled down) and what medical malady might come my way. In the height of it, I felt every symptom, tingle, ache and pain you can conceive of. The concept of Googling your symptoms was brand new in the fledgling internet, but the results were much the same as they are now. All pains are cancer or fatal diseases. All tingles are neurological doom, etc.

Eventually, I sort of came to terms with it. Anxiety is, and always will be a part of my life, but I really learned to live along side it, to recognize anxiety as anxiety, and upon doing so, it does lose some power over you. Acceptance is a key part of living with it.

When the actual medical issues came--and they did, just in the past couple years, popping up at age 47--they were potentially deadly, and unpleasant, and unfortunately chronic and lifelong, but I felt almost no anxiety about them at all. Now I am piling on what appears to be a new affinity for skin cancer. At first this terrified me too, but now, a few times a month I check my face for anything new, and if I see anything, I call the derm and he does a biopsy or freezes something off. So far it is all BCC or pre cancers. I will be dealing with this for some time, probably for the rest of my life too. I have already learned to live with it, because what choice is there?

And in the end, this is what helps with my anxiety the most.

"Don't borrow trouble, it will find you when it is ready." That was an expression I learned from my friend's grandmother. For her, it was an old saying, a throw away wisdom she dispensed. For me, it stuck, took root, and helped me in my recovery. This is exactly how my life has turned out. I spent most of my late 20s to mid 30s expecting to die. Literally every single symptom of every disease I suspected during that time was absolutely anxiety. Every one. I didn't have more than a cold or the flu as legitimate illness during that time.

One final thing. Don't sell short your successes. Not googling anymore is HUGE. Celebrate that. Focus on the positives you have achieved. Fighting anxiety is not an undertaking that is won or lost in a pivotal, single moment with complete results. It is about putting a thousand arrows into the dragon and killing it slowly, each arrow a victory. Not googling is an arrow, meditation is an arrow, exercise is an arrow, not smoking is an arrow, taking legitimate care with routine appointments and life, and accepting the results doctors give you, these are all arrows in the dragon. Look--perhaps with the help of a therapist--for another victory you can work towards. The fight with anxiety is a slog, and not for the weak. You have already proven you are strong enough to fight back. That, alone, is also an arrow.

[sarahsarah]

Lofwyr- thank you so much, that is an amazingly helpful post.

I'm really trying not to 'borrow trouble' as your friend's grandmother so wisely said, it's just that I am not very good at doing that right now. But you're right, I am trying and those little arrows will accumulate.

I've worked out that what sets off my HA are periods of contentment where I rarely think about potential health problems. I have a few weeks or even a few months of unadulterated calm and happiness and then something in my brain goes off and it's like "You're happy and content- something is bound to be on its way to spoil all that and you will feel stupid in how blissfully ignorant you are right now so best start worrying to offset that" Rational me knows how ridiculous that is but rational me isn't often present at 3am when I'm laid awake worrying or 3pm on a quiet Sunday afternoon when HA overwhelms me.

I think I have come some way- no more hours (days) of googling is a huge step for me so I need to congratulate myself on that and see if I can take it further.