Hi everyone. I’m a 19 year old male and I suffer with anxiety and depression. Every year around September/October/November my health anxiety peaks really bad. First it started with thinking I had colon cancer because I had passed blood, I freaked out and became an absolute mess for weeks, I went doctors, had an examination (if u know what I mean) and was assured everything is fine just a small crack, was sent for bloods to be done, came back okay apart from liver enzymes or something like that, nothing major. Got scheduled for a CT scan to check my liver, all came back okay just a slightly fatty liver (I’m a fairly heavy guy ). This was 2 years ago in September. Last year, around the same month, I was again convinced I had bowel cancer, so again I went to the doctors, had another examination, was told the crack in my back passage was quite large, ( pun not intended). Assured again everything was fine. Now when I see that I’ve passed blood on occasion I remain calm and am aware I’m not dying.
But I now have a new one.
Up until last week I’ve been a heavy cigarette smoker for 4 years and a heavy cannabis smoker for nearly 3, smoking every day. The past year I’ve abused cannabis quite a lot.
Now sometimes when I cough, a couple times a day, I will cough up clear phlegm with brown streaks in them. This has been happening for a year and I know it’s from smoking, I have friends and family who have this, but also ones who smoke who have never seen it before which makes my anxiety worse. I got really bad on Monday and had to leave work in a panic attack, I got the train home and went straight to the doctors, in an anxious panicky mess. I told her what I was coughing up and she asked me what I thought it was, to which I replied “resin and tar from smoking” and she confirmed it for me. She wasn’t concerned it’s blood, she wasn’t concerned it’s cancer or anything Nasty just the effects of smoking. I have now kicked the cigarettes and it’s been 5 days without, ive smoked 2 joints, but have stopped putting tobacco in them, but my cannabis habit has been cut right down. The doctor was more concerned about my anxiety than she was my initial reason for going, which put my mind at rest pretty quick.
She gave me Citalopram but I don’t think I will be taking this, my mum advised me against after her experiences with it.
But I still can not shake the health anxiety, I keep thinking that I’ve got a severe type of cancer that’s spread all the way to my lymph nodes and that I’m going to die very shortly and leave everyone behind.
This terrifies me. I can’t help but notice everything I my body at the moment, every twinge, every sensation all triggers me. I was feeling my throat yesterday and noticed that when I press on the right side, about an inch from my Adam’s apple, that there is a painless clicking sensation. I also think there’s one on the left side too but this one is harder to find. After a day of panic I went home and told my mum, to which she made me feel her throat and that she has one too. I then read on this site, that another user, who suffers the same way I do from health anxiety had noticed this in her throat and I see everyone comment on the thread re assuring her, this calmed me for a while but now I am starting to panic again, surely this shouldn’t happen? Surely my mums throat when she showed me was just coincidence? I really do think that I’m going to die, I think everything is wrong, I’m begging to question my vision, my senses, I’m not sure if I feel disoriented or not, It’s nearly November and I’m struggling to remember the last time I was cold, I constantly feel like I’m going to have a heart attack I’m my chest is going to pack up in my sleep.
I know I’ve damaged my mental health from smoking large amounts of cannabis, but I really am in a mess and can’t find reassurance even from the doctor :( I feel like such a shell of a man when this happens, it effects my self esteem and pride, especially when I have to turn to my girlfriend to calm me down from a bad panic attack I had at work, which resulted in me getting the train home. I know I’m just anxious, my mum assured me it’s a seasonal thing, the changes of season effect me apparently mentally and physically. I’m worried I may have induced paranoid schizophrenia, or some sort of condition like that, I have no trust, I’m paranoid to the max (even got it tattooed across my chest) and constantly worrying about everything.
Anyone able to offer me some comfort?
Do I need to just calm down and relax? Should I got to A&E and request them to do every check in the book I really don’t know. I just want to calm down and want the panic to stop, I want to feel right again, I’m not too focused on cannabis right now either, I just want to get my head back into gear.