Last hurdle

[SarahNah]

You also need to keep telling yourself just how much worse you can feel mentally when you're ill physically. Your body is in overdrive trying to beat an infection, so you need to give yourself time to let that pass too.

Moving is also a massive step, let alone to a different country with a different job. It took me three months to calm down after I moved 2 miles down the road lol.

Thank you Joe- and I just want to say as extra here how much it means to me. How time and time again you've reply to me here during this. It truly means alot.

Like I said already, I'm still not feeling very good physical and there is alot of panic at times- but hey! I'm still kicking and I've felt awful and it's the end (doom thinking) over and over so many times during the years. I just need to give my body time to hear, that it's all a process.

And I remeneber when I moved from one student house to another (just across the road) I was probs more unsettled and exhausted from that then this move lol

[Fishmanpa]

Thank you Fishmanpa!

I guess I'm trying to do /one/ positive thing a day, my therapist used to say I tried to pick up everything at once and run with it. She said how could when someone who was just learning to walk again, pick up everything and carry it at once- that's heading for disaster. So I trying to do one little extra thing a day. Like today, I took a shower when I was alone in the house (this sounds silly but the fears comes from when I was ill and I didn't have alot of strength and I used to fall alot. I was left on the floor of the shower a few times so it's a lingering fear.) I also went outside for walk, alone. I pushed myself to go a little further today. So even for how awful I felt physical (no need to list that) and mentally today, I still manged to walk that extra few minutes!

I was joking with everyone about moving country, saying I didn't spend the better part of nine years learning German to not use it! Lol

There you go! This is what I'm talking about! Talk about the positives! Doing so helps keep you in a better frame of mind.

Positive thoughts

[SarahNah]

So today was a strange one- the biggest issue I have is feeling like my body isn't my own? Like there some type of disconnect between how my body moves and how my mind works? Ah well- I manged to walk most of the way to and from work today. I also went shopping by myself, it's been a hard day for that and lots of other reasons but I've manged to get things done...a lil bit.

Also I read back in my dairy today (it's something my therapist and me work on and talk about) I've been having heart worries for years, it's been very on/off. I started having this lot of fear like.....three months ago..? I'm still posting here, so it's not like it's anything to bad. Going to work that into my thought process the best I can

[Fishmanpa]

So today was a strange one- the biggest issue I have is feeling like my body isn't my own? Like there some type of disconnect between how my body moves and how my mind works? Ah well- I manged to walk most of the way to and from work today. I also went shopping by myself, it's been a hard day for that and lots of other reasons but I've manged to get things done...a lil bit.

Also I read back in my dairy today (it's something my therapist and me work on and talk about) I've been having heart worries for years, it's been very on/off. I started having this lot of fear like.....three months ago..? I'm still posting here, so it's not like it's anything to bad. Going to work that into my thought process the best I can

That first bit is depersonalization, plain and simple. Everyone experiences it from time to time, especially when under a lot of stress. Happened to me a lot when my wife was ill. Your mind is just elsewhere no matter how hard you try to focus on the here and now. Anxiety sufferers seem to hyper focus on the physical sensation and as dragon often does, pours on the flames when he sees an opening.

I think that's a really good strategy with your diary. It helps you identify the patterns and possible triggers that cause your fear and anxiety to spike. Also, seeing the repetitive pattern can help you rationalize better when you see in writing something like that. Because when you think about it, years of heart worries and fears and here you are with no medical evidence. Physical symptoms, absolutely, but not from heart issues...

Keep up the good work!

Positive thoughts

[SarahNah]

Oh my gosh Fishmanpa! Depersonalization fits the feelings perfectly! I feel like I've touched on that with my therapist before but to be honest sometimes there's so much to take in, I can't take it all in? It's not a feel I've struggled with in a long time. I still feel that way-- but knowing what is it and putting a name to it makes it feel more normal and it will fade soon.

Yeah! I agree with the dairy being a good idea, it's also helping with non HA feelings / thought patterns and it's interesting to see how certain ones tend to show up at certain times of year! Like I tend to loss touch with myself a bit more in the winter months, so I'm trying to be more mindful of my feelings and thoughts (without it beocming everything) as I have to be careful to watch out for epsoide when I'm in a down place.

Like to be honest, all I'm still getting phycial issues. I don't noitce like the pounding heart as much? Like yeah maybe at work or certain times but it's not a constant anymore (hoping I'm not speaking to soon) and I'm feeling slightly more comfortable moving around by myself and not feeling like I'm about to fall! It's slow but I'm feeling like I'm moving forward tiny bits. Like I do keep reminding myself that heart worries have come and go- doctor never worried about it and it's come up so often....yet I'm still kicking!

I'm trying to do a little more everyday, I remind myself every morning I've come around from it before- and no matter how awful I feel mentally or physically I can and will do it again!

[ankietyjoe]

What I'm seeing here is an overall reaction to stress, manifesting as multiple symptoms of anxiety.

What would be a good idea for you is to do some research into anxiety, and what it can do. Specifically the symptoms it can conjure up. This isn't the same an Googling, rather pre-emptive awareness.

I did this a lot, and it helped in my recovery. It meant that next time something unexpected happened, it wasn't really unexpected. It really does diminish the 'omg today THIS happened' reaction you often get with people who suffer with anxiety.

[SarahNah]

I feel like I might be on a little bit of a up? Yesterday we got on a train to the Netherlands to go and see my boyfriend family. I was dreading it, you know the fears if getting sick/fainting/plus the anixety of dying. The same old same old but I did pretty well! I didn't cry or anything (which was expecting to be honest, it's a five hour train trip and I thought I'd pull out or want off at the first station)

Thinking I might go back to a walk in doctor when I return tho, just because the sinus issues is still there and rather annoying!

But I haven't been reaching to take my heart rate at all or anything! Like I still have the fears but not as much in the grips? ....just this isn't speaking to soon lol x

[SarahNah]

What I'm seeing here is an overall reaction to stress, manifesting as multiple symptoms of anxiety.

What would be a good idea for you is to do some research into anxiety, and what it can do. Specifically the symptoms it can conjure up. This isn't the same an Googling, rather pre-emptive awareness.

I did this a lot, and it helped in my recovery. It meant that next time something unexpected happened, it wasn't really unexpected. It really does diminish the 'omg today THIS happened' reaction you often get with people who suffer with anxiety.

Thank you Joe! I'll defo look into that once I'm home again, like I've said before thank you so much for taking the time to reply to over and over again x

[ankietyjoe]

I feel like I might be on a little bit of a up? Yesterday we got on a train to the Netherlands to go and see my boyfriend family. I was dreading it, you know the fears if getting sick/fainting/plus the anixety of dying. The same old same old but I did pretty well! I didn't cry or anything (which was expecting to be honest, it's a five hour train trip and I thought I'd pull out or want off at the first station)

Thinking I might go back to a walk in doctor when I return tho, just because the sinus issues is still there and rather annoying!

But I haven't been reaching to take my heart rate at all or anything! Like I still have the fears but not as much in the grips? ....just this isn't speaking to soon lol x

When you deal with anxiety the way you have been dealing with it, your subconscious eventually learns what's normal and stops sending you the panic signals. So for example you'll be sitting on the train and have a faint signal to observe and check your heart rate, but it's now a bit half-hearted(sic), and easily ignored.

Also, recovering from the infection will have a massive effect on your ability to cope with anxiety. Even now, if I get ill my anxiety hovers around in the background because your entire central nervous system is on alert. It never goes anywhere for me any more, but I can still sense it there, like a battle hardened Jedi

[SarahNah]

When you deal with anxiety the way you have been dealing with it, your subconscious eventually learns what's normal and stops sending you the panic signals. So for example you'll be sitting on the train and have a faint signal to observe and check your heart rate, but it's now a bit half-hearted(sic), and easily ignored.

Also, recovering from the infection will have a massive effect on your ability to cope with anxiety. Even now, if I get ill my anxiety hovers around in the background because your entire central nervous system is on alert. It never goes anywhere for me any more, but I can still sense it there, like a battle hardened Jedi

Yeah I think I'm learning more about cause and effect when it comes to my anixety and how it links to my body. Like if I stand up there's a chance it's gonna jump up by a few beats or if I start walking faster or moving faster it's going to get higher. It's about just learning to live with that! Like tonight I went with my boyfriend and his family to a Christmas market- which I was dreading. All the people, the lights- just felt like a bad thing waiting to happen. Yet I manged to stick my ground, I felt uncomfortable loads and stuff but I stuck it out and managed to enjoy myself somewhat! I'm now back and feeling a little worst for wear but I manged it! Another little step.

Oh, hopefully that's the last Jedi you'll have to face! I suppose if Rey can find Luke...it can always lurk in the background!