Hey everybody,

Having a super anxious day over here. So, I've always talked to myself... literally for as long as I can remember. I know that I'm not talking to anybody. I don't ever feel crazy for doing so. When I was little, I just verbalized things I would imagine (vivid imagination for sure), silly things like an Oscar acceptance speech or an interview about a movie... my daydreams centered around being a movie star quite often haha. So, I never thought anything of it. It was almost just a game of pretend. I really would only do it when I was in the bathroom. Never out loud in front of anybody. I've done this as I've gotten older. A lot of times, it's just me thinking out loud about different situations happening in my life, or maybe things I wish I'd said differently or I practice what I'm going to say in different situations. I'm pretty sure this is somewhat normal. I mean, I'm sure that not everybody does it, but I also don't think it's necessarily abnormal. My concern right now though is an intrusive thought that I've had for a while now that surrounds my phone. I'm basically always worried that I'm going to call or text someone something rude/unpleasant/gross/crazy by accident. This leads to me constantly checking my phone. And I always leave it outside of places I think that something potentially embarrassing could happen, aka the bathroom. Anyway, today I had taken my phone into the bathroom with me because I needed the flashlight for something. I then went to the bathroom and WARNING, TMI: I was inspecting myself with a hand mirror down there... long story short, I slept with someone new a little while ago, who in the middle of sex, took his condom off. I didn't realize until it was too late. I was extremely pissed off, and I was mortified and have been convinced ever since that it's only a matter of time before I find out that he gave me some sort of STD. Anyway, this morning, I started doing my normal talking to myself bit in the bathroom... like having the conversation telling someone (the someone I am currently seeing) that I have something. Like explaining exactly what happened and how I knew I'd caught it from this one unfortunate occurrence where my trust was betrayed. Anyway, in the middle of this dialogue I was having with myself, I realized my phone was in the bathroom. I'm about 90% sure it was on airplane mode, but you know OCD... it makes my brain go "but what if you JUST turned it on airplane mode, but it was on when you were verbalizing that you had an STD (which I don't... that I'm aware of right now at least) and you accidentally called so and so" And then I check my call history, but my brain then goes, "well, yeah, but you probably deleted the call, so there is no evidence." Why not just wait and see if you hear from him, you ask? He's abroad at the moment, so we haven't been talking like usual, and will be gone for another week. So, I will literally be here worrying about whether or not I made this mortifying phone call or not, and it's been driving me insane ALL DAY because there is just no way to know if I did this or not. I'm so upset about it. It's the weirdest new manifestation of my OCD, but I'm just always paranoid that I'm going to do something to mess things up, and this is a new version of that thought. But I'm feeling so unsettled right now because I'm convinced that I have in fact messed everything up by calling someone accidentally while having this weird conversation out loud.