Various Health Fears

[NoraB]

I'm not a very strong person, as can be seen on here

I strongly disagree with this statement.

What is that Oprah once said? "Where there is no struggle, there is no strength"..

You are in a constant battle with your own mind yet you continue to fight every single day.

You keep getting up. You keep being a parent. You keep being a husband/partner and whoever else you are to people. And you continue to fight every single day.

Your mind tries to drag you under. It tries to paralyze you. It wants you to give up but you don't. You continue to fight every single day.

And some days are harder than others. Some days leave us feeling dazed and bewildered and with a level of exhaustion that can surely only come from being seriously physically unwell, right?

But chronic anxiety can do this. I've seen it. I've lived it. I've heard a thousand stories from people who know this level of anxiety..

You, Sir, are stronger than you know.

I see your mental illness and I know what it takes to exist alongside it. To carry this shit around with you every waking second of the day. You didn't choose this. None of us choose this. There is no weakness in your character. There is none in mine either. There is no weakness in anybody on here. There is only a bunch of badass anxiety warriors helping each other through..

Despite everything you've been through (and are continuing to go through) you're still here. You're still fighting. How on earth can this be weakness?

Every day that you are here is a sign of your strength. Be proud of yourself for this strength and never, ever, refer to (or imply) that you are weak, again.

[MrLurcher]

Thanks for the kind words Nora, but I really think you're wrong! I've built up strength to cope with my mental issues over the years, and yes it does break me from time to time - like now. I think a physical issue would be a whole different scenario, which is why I fear it so much. My partner has spent the day asking me what am I so scared of? I don't know.

I certainly wouldn't call myself a 'badass' anxiety warrior - failing anxiety warrior perhaps.

Yes I am still fighting I suppose, but I often feel like it's a losing battle. My partner today brought up how badly my behaviour (or anxiety and stressing) affects her and the children, plus my mother who I left in tears the night before after trying to gain reassurance from her.

I want to change of course, and I am on a waiting list for counselling with a local charity, but then things like yesterday happen, which becomes a huge setback, and I think to myself why bother trying to get mentally better? Pretty much everytime I've started making an effort in life something happens.

And utrocket09, I presume you said 'odd' blood work? Well that's good to know.

I'm feeling a bit better today, although I went to the toilet earlier, and it was a normal stool, but it had shades of green. I can't remember eating anything of that colour in the past few days except for loads of green beans on Wednesday, but that would have passed my system by now.

[Scass]

But isn’t covid very much based around inflammation, so that could perhaps explain your levels?

I think, try the antacids and see how you get on. In my experience, prolonged anxiety does no favours for your gastric system. I get heartburn/reflux flare ups, as well as diarrhoea and constipation. It’s not fun, and anxiety makes it worse.

If you don’t believe yourself to be strong then you won’t be. But you know what? You’re sh1tting on yourself and those that rely on you from a big height, all because you won’t go and speak to your doctor about your anxiety.

As me with that note, I expect I’ll see you back here in a few weeks.

[NoraB]

Thanks for the kind words Nora, but I really think you're wrong! I've built up strength to cope with my mental issues over the years, and yes it does break me from time to time - like now.

This is a contradiction, Mr Lurcher. I've said that you're strong. You say I'm wrong in one sentence, then agree that you've built up strength in the next?

I'd also argue that you're not 'broken'. Broken is when you can't function. When somebody has to do everything for you because all you can do is to try and hang on to life. I've been there and I'd argue that this was me at my very strongest. I didn't feel strong at the time. I felt like the world's biggest failure, but now I can see what it took for me to hang on and then to come back from it..

I certainly wouldn't call myself a 'badass' anxiety warrior - failing anxiety warrior perhaps.

I see a lot of badass anxiety warriors on here. And I don't particularly care if this sounds w@nky. I know what it's taken for me to keep going and you're no different. You're not experiencing anything that I haven't experienced on my epic journey with health anxiety. You see failure, and I get it, but I don't see failure now I'm in a better place, and one day neither will you..

Yes I am still fighting I suppose, but I often feel like it's a losing battle.

No 'suppose' about it. You're still here; you're fighting.

My partner today brought up how badly my behaviour (or anxiety and stressing) affects her and the children, plus my mother who I left in tears the night before after trying to gain reassurance from her.

Yes. I've been there too..

A couple of things..

I know that it's hard for your partner. It was hard for me when my ex-husband struggled with HA. He had a breakdown and I was pregnant. I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions, and fear was one of those emotions. I can sympathise & empathise with her. However, unless she has experienced this MH disorder - she cannot understand you. Therefore, she cannot support you as you need to be supported and that's with rational talking and empathy. (That's what you get from us)

Next thing, your kids...

My older kids don't remember their dad having a breakdown, but they were there. My youngest son was seven when I had my breakdown. All he remembers is that I went to A&E one morning by ambulance and he thinks I had a heart attack - something that shocked me. I've since filled him in with what actually happened - which is that I had a reaction to MSG. This happened at the time of my breakdown, But that's it. He remembers nothing else. That said, he was major factor in me working my @rse off to get better because I want to be as present in his life as I can be and we can not be fully present when we are scaring ourselves with imaginary diseases..

Next, your mum. Of course she's going to be upset. You're her son, you're hurting, and she can't make this better. You're a parent, right? So have a think about what it feels like to be a parent - knowing that your child is in pain - and that you can't make it better?

I want to change of course, and I am on a waiting list for counselling with a local charity,

You are doing something to help yourself- to change the situation. This takes strength. It takes strength just to turn up!

but then things like yesterday happen, which becomes a huge setback,

It's a setback. It's nothing that hasn't happened before. You can use this and learn from it..

and I think to myself why bother trying to get mentally better?

When it feels so great, right? (answer: we bother because this feels epically shit, it's wrecking our life, and we don't want to feel like this anymore)

Look, it's not going to be easy to get out of this. Anybody who says it is is lying. It takes a mammoth effort. But it's doable..

Pretty much everytime I've started making an effort in life something happens.

That's life Mr Lurcher. We take a step forwards and something knocks us back. It might be something in our life or something that's happening to someone else. So what? Self-pity gets us nowhere. And if you're waiting for life to totally go your way in order for you to make the changes you need to make then you'll never get out of this hole!

You have a choice here. You can continue to see yourself as a 'massive failure' or you can start to get bolshy with yourself and say that you've had enough of living in fear. That's what I did and it worked. That's the first step and it has to come from the heart, not just the head. You have to believe in what you're saying, not just say the words. You have to want this with everything that you are and be prepared for a long journey back...

[pulisa]

Thanks for the kind words Nora, but I really think you're wrong! I've built up strength to cope with my mental issues over the years, and yes it does break me from time to time - like now. I think a physical issue would be a whole different scenario, which is why I fear it so much. My partner has spent the day asking me what am I so scared of? I don't know.

I certainly wouldn't call myself a 'badass' anxiety warrior - failing anxiety warrior perhaps.

Yes I am still fighting I suppose, but I often feel like it's a losing battle. My partner today brought up how badly my behaviour (or anxiety and stressing) affects her and the children, plus my mother who I left in tears the night before after trying to gain reassurance from her.

I want to change of course, and I am on a waiting list for counselling with a local charity, but then things like yesterday happen, which becomes a huge setback, and I think to myself why bother trying to get mentally better? Pretty much everytime I've started making an effort in life something happens.

And utrocket09, I presume you said 'odd' blood work? Well that's good to know.

I'm feeling a bit better today, although I went to the toilet earlier, and it was a normal stool, but it had shades of green. I can't remember eating anything of that colour in the past few days except for loads of green beans on Wednesday, but that would have passed my system by now.

You're scared of being diagnosed with a much feared physical illness and you are scared because you don't think you would be able to "cope" with having to live with the knowledge that you are physically ill?

You are waiting to get that diagnosis because it's inevitable now that cancer is "in the family"? It's just a matter of time even if it's not "this" time? It will happen..or else it will be something else "catastrophic"?

Just some suggestions from me but maybe you should try and write down exactly what you are scared of?

[MrLurcher]

You're scared of being diagnosed with a much feared physical illness and you are scared because you don't think you would be able to "cope" with having to live with the knowledge that you are physically ill?

You are waiting to get that diagnosis because it's inevitable now that cancer is "in the family"? It's just a matter of time even if it's not "this" time? It will happen..or else it will be something else "catastrophic"?

Just some suggestions from me but maybe you should try and write down exactly what you are scared of?

Probably yes, to both those question. But why do I feel like this? I don't know. Why am I absolutely petrified about getting a physical illness? I don't really know.

I wish I knew why there's something so deeply ingrained in me that I obsessionally worry every time I get symptoms of possible catastrophic illnesses.

And it's not just me, I feel this way towards my children as well.

[MrLurcher]

This is a contradiction, Mr Lurcher. I've said that you're strong. You say I'm wrong in one sentence, then agree that you've built up strength in the next?

I'd also argue that you're not 'broken'. Broken is when you can't function. When somebody has to do everything for you because all you can do is to try and hang on to life. I've been there and I'd argue that this was me at my very strongest. I didn't feel strong at the time. I felt like the world's biggest failure, but now I can see what it took for me to hang on and then to come back from it..

I see a lot of badass anxiety warriors on here. And I don't particularly care if this sounds w@nky. I know what it's taken for me to keep going and you're no different. You're not experiencing anything that I haven't experienced on my epic journey with health anxiety. You see failure, and I get it, but I don't see failure now I'm in a better place, and one day neither will you..

No 'suppose' about it. You're still here; you're fighting.

Yes. I've been there too..

A couple of things..

I know that it's hard for your partner. It was hard for me when my ex-husband struggled with HA. He had a breakdown and I was pregnant. I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions, and fear was one of those emotions. I can sympathise & empathise with her. However, unless she has experienced this MH disorder - she cannot understand you. Therefore, she cannot support you as you need to be supported and that's with rational talking and empathy. (That's what you get from us)

Next thing, your kids...

My older kids don't remember their dad having a breakdown, but they were there. My youngest son was seven when I had my breakdown. All he remembers is that I went to A&E one morning by ambulance and he thinks I had a heart attack - something that shocked me. I've since filled him in with what actually happened - which is that I had a reaction to MSG. This happened at the time of my breakdown, But that's it. He remembers nothing else. That said, he was major factor in me working my @rse off to get better because I want to be as present in his life as I can be and we can not be fully present when we are scaring ourselves with imaginary diseases..

Next, your mum. Of course she's going to be upset. You're her son, you're hurting, and she can't make this better. You're a parent, right? So have a think about what it feels like to be a parent - knowing that your child is in pain - and that you can't make it better?



You are doing something to help yourself- to change the situation. This takes strength. It takes strength just to turn up!

It's a setback. It's nothing that hasn't happened before. You can use this and learn from it..

When it feels so great, right? (answer: we bother because this feels epically shit, it's wrecking our life, and we don't want to feel like this anymore)

Look, it's not going to be easy to get out of this. Anybody who says it is is lying. It takes a mammoth effort. But it's doable..

That's life Mr Lurcher. We take a step forwards and something knocks us back. It might be something in our life or something that's happening to someone else. So what? Self-pity gets us nowhere. And if you're waiting for life to totally go your way in order for you to make the changes you need to make then you'll never get out of this hole!

You have a choice here. You can continue to see yourself as a 'massive failure' or you can start to get bolshy with yourself and say that you've had enough of living in fear. That's what I did and it worked. That's the first step and it has to come from the heart, not just the head. You have to believe in what you're saying, not just say the words. You have to want this with everything that you are and be prepared for a long journey back...

I guess this is where I'm either deeply selfish or deeply ignorant to how I affect others. I feel awfully guilty when I see my mum upset over me, or my partner stressed when I'm panic, or when I see my kids' confused faces when I'm talking about medical subjects - something I try not to do in front of them anymore.

My partner often asks me 'why cant I get over this' (not in those exact terms) or push to 'help myself' for the sake of our children. I just don't know why I can't. Maybe I'm too selfish or too self absorbed, or maybe I'm just too far gone that I can't help myself. My mother in law who came to sit with me for a few hours in A&E last night was suggesting is it time to take anti-d's now. Maybe she;s right, but it's frustrating when your feeling ok and then things like the past few days happen and it's a reminder that I'm far beyond ok.

[pulisa]

You have entrenched health anxiety which extends to your loved ones as well

why not rewrite the second sentence with "every time I get symptoms of illness"? Lose the "catastrophic" because everything remotely out of the ordinary is "catastrophic" in your eyes?

[pulisa]

I guess this is where I'm either deeply selfish or deeply ignorant to how I affect others. I feel awfully guilty when I see my mum upset over me, or my partner stressed when I'm panic, or when I see my kids' confused faces when I'm talking about medical subjects - something I try not to do in front of them anymore.

My partner often asks me 'why cant I get over this' (not in those exact terms) or push to 'help myself' for the sake of our children. I just don't know why I can't. Maybe I'm too selfish or too self absorbed, or maybe I'm just too far gone that I can't help myself. My mother in law who came to sit with me for a few hours in A&E last night was suggesting is it time to take anti-d's now. Maybe she;s right, but it's frustrating when your feeling ok and then things like the past few days happen and it's a reminder that I'm far beyond ok.

You have periods when you feel ok and then you get triggered by something considered minor medically speaking but you consider it to be "huge" and disastrous". Your choice to use such emotive language in your posts illustrates your panic and inability to keep things in perspective.

[BlueIris]

Pulisa's right. Our thoughts affect the words we choose, and vice versa. The emotive language you use only strengthens and reinforces your fear.

When writing/speaking, why not take a breath and try to choose words that only speak to the facts of the situation rather than reinforcing your fears?