Various Health Fears

[NoraB]

I hate living like this, this week has been just complete torment waiting for these results. It's bad enough living with mental health issues like HA, and I don't know how I will cope with a serious and chronic illness on top.

Still waiting on my son turning up...

Nobody has told you that have a chronic illness, and even if it proves to be the case that you do, you might surprise yourself by coping. I have a chronic health condition and I cope. Millions of people cope..

I've been trying like Nora said to accept that it will probably be something bad,

I never said that it will 'probably be something bad'. I said that I accepted my fate and in doing that I was accepting a cancer diagnosis. (although there wasn't one)

I feel this thread is building up for something now, a bit like how Jenni's thread years ago went on and on until she got her diagnosis.

Mr Lurcher, the reality is that some people who post on this forum will have actual illnesses but the majority will be due to anxiety. You're not Jenni. That's not your story; it was hers.

Any one of us could write a blinding post; the best post ever. And it will resonate with some people but not you. Nothing that any of us can say will get through to you at the moment because you are stuck in a cycle of fear. You're where I was in 2017, totally convinced that you have a terrible disease. You're expecting the worst and your imagination is calling the shots here, not reality.

The only person who thinks that you are physically ill is you. Having tests done is not evidence of illness. Being fast-tracked isn't evidence of disease (and I've been fast-tracked numerous times). The evidence is in the test results and when those results come back clear, what then? I'll tell you. You get to choose to do something about this - which means accepting that you have a mental health condition - and that you need help with it. Or, you do nothing and take yourself another step towards breakdown..

I'd say that you don't want to have that breakdown because if you think this is scary; wait until you lose the plot!

But you know what? I needed to hit the very bottom in order to be able to push myself back up again. There is only one way after that, and that's up. So, in this, even mental breakdowns can have their positive points..

What I think will happen is that your tests will be clear and you will struggle to accept this. How can you feel this unwell and there not be a serious disease. right? Been there. I've also witnessed people broken down by their imaginations..

Thing is; imagination works both ways. It can terrify and inspire us and we do get to choose which one we want to go with. Fear is the easiest option. Yes, really. Because you don't have to do anything except allow those irrational thoughts to consume you. To work against those thoughts is hard and requires effort, and perseverance. And it starts with the heartfelt decision that you've had enough of living in fear and that you are going to do something about it. Without this mental shift, you will remain where you are..

HA was a major part of my narrative for forty-seven years, but not now. By working my metaphorical arse off, I have come to understand anxiety (most importantly, the stress response) and appreciate my body for the amazing machine that it is. It's carried me all these years, and for most of those years I haven't understood that my body was protecting me when I was scared. All I knew was how ill it made me feel. One day I hope that you gain the insight that I have now, and that you will look back on these years (and this thread) and be able to laugh about some of the crazy things you've done (and said) in the name of HA. With all of my heart, I wish this for you..

[pulisa]

Do you think you will be relieved if these tests come back normal or would that make you feel even more anxious and "unstable"?

[MrLurcher]

Just spent an hour over the phone trying to get through to my surgery, and the results are still not back. I cant cope with anymore of this. I'm trembling with fear right now, and I cant drink or eat.

[BlueIris]

From experience: eat something, or at least drink something sweet. Screwing with your blood sugar won't help your sanity.

[MrLurcher]

I cannot wait anymore, I really can't, I'm seriously going down hill. I really wish I cancelled these Monday now, I can't face it, I really cannot. I know there's something going to be wrong, and I can't deal with it.

[BlueIris]

Is all this negative self-talk helping you?

[pulisa]

I cannot wait anymore, I really can't, I'm seriously going down hill. I really wish I cancelled these Monday now, I can't face it, I really cannot. I know there's something going to be wrong, and I can't deal with it.

How do you know that? How do you think other people cope with bad news? Even those with HA? Do they go to pieces and sink into a decline? Maybe they feel better knowing what they have to deal with as opposed to fearing what they could have?

This is the problem with pushing for tests when you really don't want to know the result because all the while you don't you can carry on seeking reassurance from people who can't give you a definite answer..but it's still better than actually exposing yourself to the threat of a scary outcome.

[StephA]

I cannot wait anymore, I really can't, I'm seriously going down hill. I really wish I cancelled these Monday now, I can't face it, I really cannot. I know there's something going to be wrong, and I can't deal with it.

But I thought you wanted the tests, no? I doubt what I tell you will help, since nobody else’s words of wisdom have, but I’ll go ahead and tell you anyway. Last October I got a flu shot and noticed my collarbone was sore several days later. So I was feeling around and felt what I thought was a lymph node. Of course I panicked because it was the left one that I felt. I could not stop touching it and moving it around so the whole area hurt. I decided to wait a few weeks to see if it went down. Well in November I got the covid booster and noticed the pain again when I was cleaning the house, so I thought it HAD to be the lymph node. I decided to just mull over it and worry instead of going to the doctor. I had days where I didn’t worry so much, but most of them were filled with terror. January rolled around and I decided I couldn’t take the uncertainty anymore, so I called and made an appointment. The nurse practitioner felt around and thought it may be a lymph node, so she ordered an ultrasound. Turns out the lady that did those was going to be in that afternoon, so I had to go back a few hours later. They called several weeks later and said all was normal. NO suspicious lymph nodes or abnormalities were found. I am a breast cancer survivor, so you better believe I was scared out of my mind waiting on my results. I just KNEW the cancer had spread and knew I was a goner! The ultrasound lady told me she didn’t see anything after she did the ultrasound, but of course they had to have a radiologist read it. Anyway all I’m saying is although in your mind you are so sure you have something bad, don’t plan your funeral, because I was and it wasn’t even a lymph node I was feeling!!! Whatever it is, is still in my body but it’s probably just a normal thing I haven’t noticed before.
Are you going for your blood work tomorrow?

[MrLurcher]

Thanks for the replies BI, Nora, Pulisa and StephA. Glad it wall worked out for you Steph, I remember commenting on your thread regarding your lymph node - I had something similar after my covid and flu jabs.

I had a massive meltdown yesterday after my last post on here. My mum and brother came up to see my as they were concerned about my reactions.

I don't know whether or not to go for my blood tests today. I'd imagine they will be all over the shop with how bad my diet has been over the last week or so.

[BlueIris]

Personally, I'd skip them, but do you think this is something you'll be able to handle okay?