Various Health Fears

[NoraB]

Thanks for the kind word all, but I know I've failed him.

I could/should've warned him about the swelling, and this outcome could have been different.

In 'saving' him, you could just as easily have been subjecting him to spending the rest of his days in bed or in a chair - unable to do anything or go anywhere - and having to watch him fade away. Would that have been any easier for you to bear?

There is a much bigger story here Mr L..

I will have to live with this for the rest of my life.

You are angry and grieving. I blamed myself for my mother's death at first but one day you see this for what it is, and you will see that you're not to blame.

Also I haven't cried once today, is that normal? I feel upset and empty, but not tearful.

There are no rules with grief. It took my husband years to cry after he lost his mother!

I'm also finding I'm forgetting bits about him already and that's causing me a great deal of anxiety, I don't want to forget what he was like, ever. It hurts to even think I can resume normal life without him.

There's a lot going on in your head right now. You're not 'forgetting' him. It's just that it hurts so much to do so at the moment. He's still there, and always will be there..

What you need to remember is that nothing lasts and perspective changes. You won't always feel like you do now, and I absolutely understand that this is not how it feels to you right now.

My experience is that when we lose a parent we become a different version of ourselves. Our parents die and nobody can take their place. We have to learn to live without them, but you know what? We can be happy. It's just that, at the time of losing someone, it feels that we can never be happy again, right?

One day I was sitting in a coffee shop surrounded by what appeared to be mothers and daughters and that had been me and my mother most every Friday and for many years. On that particular day I could only feel loss. I sat there with tears rolling down my face and I resented those daughters.. Nowadays I see a mother and daughter and I'm reminded of how lucky I was to have such a great mum. Perspective see? As that gaping hole in our hearts starts to heal, our perspective changes..

Grief is the price we pay for loving somebody. This hurts so much because you've loved and been loved Mr L. And love is not a given. It should be, but it's not. And one day you will understand that you've been one of the lucky ones..

Life will go on. It's going on now..

The day my mum died the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Mr Whippy was belting out Greensleeves. It was a beautiful summer's day aside for the fact that my mother was stiff as a board on the landing floor waiting for the 'special' ambulance to come and take her away. I remember feeling angry at the world for having the insensitivity to carry on enjoying itself when my heart was smashed into smithereens all over Mum's Axminster carpet, you know?

I know that my words won't mean anything to you now. You can't see the future for the pain you're in but you're going to be fine. One day you will start to feel another kind of sadness - a more nostalgic kind of sadness which doesn't hurt as much?

This now? You have to go through it all. Through every agonising moment. And when the tears do come, don't fight them. Whoever said that boys don't cry was an @rsehole. Crying is good. It's cathartic. It's human.

You're going to be just fine Mr Lurcher. Your dad is only ever a thought away and while, at the moment, your first thought will be his passing, this won't always be the case.

Try and have an imaginary conversation with your dad about how you feel? Tell him what you're telling us and see what comes back to you?

Deep down, you know you're not to blame. This is just a normal part of the grieving process, and as with all things - it will pass.

[MrLurcher]

Thanks for all the replies again. I really appreciate the support people give on here.

We buried my father yesterday and I was actually ok, and reasonably at peace - I was the night before as well.

But.....I've since become anxious and worried is there something wrong with me for not feeling deeply upset and horrified at seeing my dad in a coffin. Only a few days ago I didn't want to live from the pain of losing him and imagining the future wiehout him.

Anyway something strange but nice happened today. I'm not religious in anyway, but a bit spiritual.

I met with an old and close school friend this morning for a walk back where my parents live. He lives in Cardiff and came back for my dad's procession (yes, he actually was popular!) around my home town before our private family funeral. He also lost his dad 10 years ago, so I wanted to talk with him about feelings and how to cope etc.

Anyway we were walking in the wildlife park, on our way to the cafe, and he starts telling me about a girl who was friends with us in school and who we all played in a band together. Her father died a week before my dad in a traffic accident in Denmark while her parents were visiting their other daughter. Very traumatic and horrible, and away from home - similar to my dad. Neither of us had seen her in probably 10 years or so.

He finished telling me the story, her mother sustained life changing injuries as well....then we walk around the corner, and there she is with her husband and son!!

What on earth are the chances of that happening?!

It was nice talking to her and sharing our grief. That sort of stuff just can't be purely coincidental can it? Even if it was, I like to think some energy was watching over us, and we were meant to meet today. Three people who have lost their fathers at a reasonably young age, and two who recently lost dad's in tragic and sudden circumstances. Me and my friend also changed our plans twice, so that makes it even more random.

It's given me some degree of comfort anyway.

[pulisa]

It was meant to be that you met up with her by chance, Mr L..We shouldn't question or analyse it as it was just meant to be and it's helped you and I'm sure it's helped her in such terrible times for you both.

Sounds like your dad was given a wonderful send off before the private service and I hope you feel that the funeral reflected just how special he was to you all..

I'm glad you feel a bit calmer, Mr L. Your dad is looking out for you.

[MrLurcher]

Thanks Pulisa, I'd like to think of it like that.

Really struggling with my feelings now, it's causing me lots of anxiety and over-thinking.

I am feeling ok, as in not emotional of teary. But I do feel low, tired and uninterested in things. I still miss him, and still feel lost in the night when he would ring for a chat. I started back in work this week, and my manager has been great about things, but apart from answering a few emails, I've literally done nothing.

My dad was my best friend and I joined a cancer forum to discuss what happened to him and also talking about loss. There are people on there that say they cried everyday for months and months after losing their mum/dad. That's what I imagined happening to me, so to feel ok now, only 3/4 weeks after is pretty confusing. I'm wondering if I have psychopathic tendencies or something. My mum still tears about talking about him, but how can I manage to speak to people and not?

[pulisa]

Oh goodness..There are no "rules" for how much or for how long after bereavement you should or shouldn't cry..Some people don't cry at all. It's not a sign of how deeply affected you are or a sign of how much you loved them.

You sound as if you are numb and low. It's hardly surprising as this is such a recent loss. Don't compare yourself to others. Your grief is yours alone and shouldn't be analysed as being "lacking"..You must feel very empty and slowed down. is your partner being supportive?

[Catkins]

Mr L, my mum died on the 6th Feb this year. There are definitely no rules on how you should feel and when. It takes a long time before you start to feel anything vaguely normal (not there yet myself, but have times when it feels easier). I definitely went through a phase where I didn't feel much, I think I was too busy trying to help others and getting on with the mechanics of life.

Cut yourself some slack, take things easy, talk to those around and allow yourself time.

[MyNameIsTerry]

No, MrL. You are conflating people who wouldn't entertain such feelings with the shock you are in. A psychopath would be busy getting on with their own thing not understanding why a situation involving grief exists.

As said already, there are no rules. And you can see why others are so upset. You have empathy.

Responding to crisis can mean some crumble whilst others kick into high gear to protect others. That doesn't mean they don't care and at some point it will always hit them once there is nothing left to do.

I can remember not really feeling my nana's death until I stood watching the coffin go down at the crematorium. It hit me at that instant.

And don't let anxiety try to convince you that you are selfish because you still struggle with your own mental health. Emotional upheaval means mental health can worsen due to feeling so much more. It's a chemical thing, physical like anything else in the body. The natural response will be guilt but, again as said, cut yourself some slack.

Your dad wouldn't expect you to resolve your internal battles overnight to only focus on him. What he would see is you having the courage to face both.

[jojo2316]

Can I just say, Mr L, it is perfectly obvious from this thread that you are grieving and that you loved your dad deeply. Don’t measure your feelings by the amount of tears you shed each day. You know it’s not that simple.

[MrLurcher]

Thanks for the previous messages all.

Unfortunately after thinking I'm not going to worry about health anymore, I'm in a panic tonight.

I've been having regular palpitations for the past couple of hours. When I'm bending over, doing something strenuous, or just doing nothing. I must have had 5 in the last half hour.

I have my partner on standby to take my down hospital, they're not going away...........help.

On Wednesday I had my second covid job, and although all I had was some mild symptoms and an aching arm and armpit, I've read things about the jab causing heart problems.

[MyNameIsTerry]

MrL, your anxiety is bound to continue as before, it might just benefit from all the intense emotions that done from grief so it hits you harder for a while.

But the situation hasn't changed. Symptoms you had before will come back therefore you return to the same ways to address them e.g. rationally thinking about what is more likely to cause palps: a rare s8de effect of a jab or an extremely common anxiety symptom in an already anxiety prone person?