Hello,
I posted here for a while a few years ago. I think that at the time of my last post I was separating from my partner of 8 years. Almost immediately afterwards I met an apparently wonderful woman, who to my codependent-inclined soul appeared to be the answer to all my troubles. Unfortunately over the next 18 months those anxiety troubles only multiplied.
I suspect now that she suffers from some variety of borderline personality disorder. Things were wonderful at first but went downhill rapidly, as she lied, accused, gaslighted, manipulated and generally abused me. It ended a little over a year ago, and there has been some progress in terms of recovery but every now and again something reopens the wound, I find myself agreeing with her assertions that everything was my fault, and thinking that I somehow need her back in my life. Of course, as people like this do, she moved on to her next victim immediately (or actually while we were still together) and has distanced herself from me entirely.
I think I have some deep internal trauma and shame that this relationship has exhumed. Even well over a year since the last time we saw each other I'm waking up at 5 in the morning with this nauseating anxiety. For a while I think I'm doing well but then it comes back. I don't see any end to this in sight.
So here I am. Nice to see you again.
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