83 yr old mum on life support with no hope

[j2]

Many of you have been so wonderful helping me through my son's brain mass. He returns to school tomorrow and will still have several mri's before I will be able to begin to relax. Just as my son's life is beginning to calm down, my mother was admitted to the hospital on Friday with swelling her legs and by Saturday was in ICU with a breathing tube. She has opened her eyes a few times but she has been sick for a long time and I know this is the end. I am so emotionally exhausted from my son's illness that I can barely even process my lovely mother's end. She has been sick with lung cancer for quite some time but I can't even process what is happening. My siblings and my kids are visibly morose while I am mostly just numb. I cry some and I can't look at her. This numbness and inability to look at her makes me feel like a terrible person. I feel like a 1000 pounds is on my chest. I am not sleeping and I am constantly nauseated. This, of course flares up my HA and then I feel like garbage for worrying about me when my mom is dying and my son is not out of the woods yet. I am rambling now but I am so broken and tired I don't really care if I make any sense.

Thanks for letting me talk.

J2

[ErinKC]

You have sure been through it, J2! I'm so sorry to hear about this. Don't ever feel like a terrible person for how you process stress and grief. You've been through something horrific with your son and it will take a great deal of time to come down from that. To now have to face your mother's death is more than just about anyone could handle gracefully. I think numbness is a pretty normal reaction to something like this, though. Death is a very difficult thing to process, especially as it's unfolding. Be kind to yourself!!

[NancyW]

Oh J2, I am sorry to hear this.
You've not had a minute's rest.

As sad as it is to lose anyone, losing our parents is the natural course in life. Does not make it easier at all. At some point we wish peace and no more pain for them.

J2 my mom passed from a stroke, I couldn't be in the room at the end either. You're not the first or last to feel this way.

Please keep us posted.

[StephA]

Oh j2, I’m so very sorry to hear about your mom! You’ve been through so much. I just wanted to offer my deepest sympathies and prayers. Your mom knows you love her so don’t feel guilty about how you’re feeling. Losing a loved one is never easy and we all handle that in different ways. You’re exhausted I’m sure from just going through your son’s ordeal and I’m sure that’s playing into your situation with your mom. You have to take care of yourself as well, so don’t beat yourself up. (((((HUGS)))))

[MyNameIsTerry]

To be honest, j2, you have been through so much lately anyone could find themselves totally drained. I don't think this is a sign of anything other than being exhausted and how you truly feel is reflected in what you feel for loved ones for all the years you have been there.

Seeing your anxiety increase and try to trigger cycles of obsessive thinking is to be expected in times of greater stress. So, just as it probably tried to take you over when you were worrying over your son it is going to try it on again now. Don't kick yourself for this, it's a mental health condition that still needs work and will raise it's head when it gets the opportunity. What matters is you are trying and you know what you truly feel even if you are so exhausted you question whether you are showing the emotion you expect you should be. And perhaps like with grief it can differ every time based on many factors so we need to stop assessing how we feel and let it play out?

These months have been traumatic for you and your family but you are still going. You will do what is needed as you did for your son even though you must have doubted you could cope. This place is here to support you when you need it. But it is awful to hear you and your family are suffering again

[Carnation]

Hello J2, I went through a horrible ordeal with my mum about 4 years ago and I know the feelings too well, but there's one thing I can tell you.
There's nothing you can do to change your mum's situation, although you may think you can or feel the need to find an answer. Your mum will want you to take care of yourself and not be so hard on yourself. That will give her peace. x

[j2]

Thank you for all the kind words. I have been thinking and praying all day. I want her to be without pain. She opens her eyes every now and then and I just can't tell if she is in there. It hurts so much to see her like this. You guys are more helpful than you can ever know. Thank you.

[Fishmanpa]

Sheesh J2, you really have been going through it! What you've been dealing with would be extremely difficult regardless of anxiety. I went through a similar situation three years ago. "Numb" is a good word for it.

Sending as always...

Positive thoughts

[MyNameIsTerry]

Even if she is in & out she might know, or be deriving comfort, from you being there in some way. She might feel your presence or feel you hand touching hers. That will reassure her she isn't alone and that can be a great comfort in times like this for both of you.

I hope they are doing everything they can to help her through this time in peace.

[Jujube]

J2, life is surely handing you lemons right now. Don't judge yourself too harshly regarding your response to your mother's illness. You are being pulled in so many directions emotionally! I understand (somewhat)..my father has late stage Parkinson's disease and has been in the hospital for a week fighting infections that caused him to become delusional. It is heartbreaking. It's hard to look at him and remember how he used to be before he was ill. I will continue to pray for you and your family's health and strength.