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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2014

    Unhappy POCD keeps coming back - feeling hopeless and stuck :(

    Dear Frinds,

    I've been feeling terrible lately and i really need some help because i can't seem to sort this out on my own.

    i've been dealing with POCD on and off for the past 10 years or so. Sometimes I feel like I have it beat and it goes away for a few months only to resurface and make me feel even worse than before and it keeps looping and looping in a cycle of guilt that I can't seem to break.
    All this leaves me very depressed and hopeless so I am hoping that you might be able to shine some light into the dark.

    Unfortunately I've made a few mistakes a couple of years back when my POCD was at its peak and I could not think clearly.
    When I've had HOCD (homosexual ocd) as my first OCD 15 years back and I looked at men trying to check I was attracted to men i figured that doing the same with POCD will give me some answers and confirm or deny my worst fears so i went online i looked up pictures of child models and googled things like girls in bathing suits etc. which turned into hours of browsing pictures and measuring my reaction to it to see if i was a P. or not. Among the pictures were some that that were probably made for real Pedos since the kids were posing - yes of course there are images of famous child models out there where the kids are posing but you know how OCD latches onto stuff and makes your life hell. I did not search for real illegal images (thank god I did not make that mistake) I also never downloaded/shared images or participated in any way but once i was clicking links on an imageboard. There was no preview and I could not know what was behind the link that I clicked and one real image appeared. My reaction to it was pure shock! This made me realise that I could never be a real P but the fact that I accidentally saw that image makes me sick and guilty to this day - my mind keeps telling me that i commited a real crime and that I should confess to the authorities for all that I have done and that I will end up in jail. My OCD feasts on this and does not let me forgive myself no matter what!

    Of course all that did not give me any answers but made me even more confused and most of all triggered a strong sensation of guilt and shame that I cannot lose to this day.
    I feel like i crossed the line by looking at those images. Yes, i did it because i have OCD and not out of lust and it caused me a great deal of anxiety but neverheless I feel horrible and that i cannot erase what i have done so i can't seem to get over it.

    I have all this stuff behind me now and I know that checking does not help and makes things 100x worse but what can i do to forgive myself and stop myself from feeling that I've committed some major unforgivable crime that i should be punished for?

    Any help would be much much appreciated!

    Last edited by wanderer02; 02-02-20 at 01:34.

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