Worried about lymphoma

[O_O]

Had a big panic last night. I won't say too much about it, but it was bad. The evenings and nights are always worse, when there is no light or signs of life.

Right now I'm feeling a bit better. I told K from HR and she was lovely. She told my boss, and his boss M, and M called me info his office and said if I needed anything, any accommodations while I waited for my results etc, he would help. He said I could call him any time if I needed to talk. Everyone was so kind and understanding that I felt a lot better.

Sometimes I think everything feels worse because I get so lonely. And when I am shown kindness it sort of heals me for a bit.

I couldn't sleep on my right side last night because although the lumps are painless the surrounding area aches now. It's started radiating into my ear. I had some sort of weird out of body experience.

My eating has deteriorated and I can no longer eat solid food. I chew and chew until it's a mush and then when I try to swallow I gag. Instead, I'm drinking lots of high calorie shakes and smoothies, and yoghurts.

My appointment is on Monday now.

[NancyW]

I'm so glad you're getting in on Monday.

Hang in there..

[O_O]

I'm so glad you're getting in on Monday.

Hang in there..

Thanks Nancy. I'm working from home today.

Something I thought I noticed yesterday, and which I still think I'm noticing today: it seems a bit like the node on the side of my neck is... less pronounced, maybe? I'm really scared to give myself false hope, because I know that the fall from a position of hope is all the more devastating, but it just sort of seems slightly... flatter? However, it is still the same length. 2.3cm. So I don't know what that means. Maybe it's just sort of tethered and being pulled closer to the muscle idk.

The submandibular node is still ****ing enormous, it's like a massive marble just sitting there. A bit sore in the surrounding area, but everything feels sore atm from muscle tension and clenching my jaw etc.

Also, and apologies for sounding fully cray right now, but the last two nights my dead dog has 'visited' me. I've been lying in bed, just waking up, and I've heard him run across the floor, leap onto the bed, and I've felt him land, and then his little snuffly nose kissing my neck. Then I wake up properly and obviously he's not there but I literally heard and felt him like it was real.

[NancyW]

Diagnosis can't come fast enough in my opinion, I often wonder what this anxiety overload does to us internally. Nothing good I'm positive of it.

One of the possibilities my son's ENT gave him was a blocked salivary gland. I'm really wondering if that's what you've got going in that submandibular area, they are not uncommon.

[O_O]

Diagnosis can't come fast enough in my opinion, I often wonder what this anxiety overload does to us internally. Nothing good I'm positive of it.

One of the possibilities my son's ENT gave him was a blocked salivary gland. I'm really wondering if that's what you've got going in that submandibular area, they are not uncommon.

I don't THINK it's salivary gland related, because from the "mouth side" everything is normal - there's no sign of the lump from inside my mouth. No soreness or anything. It's just from the other side, under my chin, that there's this massive thing.

Still, I can't hope helping it's something equally as harmless. The submandibular lump came up about a week after the neck lump (that I noticed) though I suppose it was growing before then too. I only noticed it because it actually became pretty tender for a few days, but that went away quickly.

Anyway, not long to wait now.

[NancyW]

I don't THINK it's salivary gland related, because from the "mouth side" everything is normal - there's no sign of the lump from inside my mouth.

My son had nothing inside his mouth either and it was a benign salivary gland issue.

[O_O]

My son had nothing inside his mouth either and it was a benign salivary gland issue.

Ah really that's interesting. Well, that would be a super outcome! Doesn't explain the other neck lump but as I say that one seems... less engorged, perhaps? Idk. Same size, but flatter, if that makes sense 🤷🏻*♀️

[NancyW]

We're guessing at best, our bodies so all sorts of weird and alarming things that end up not to be a big deal in the end. It's just miserable in our minds

[O_O]

I was totally imaging the neck lump being smaller. It's no smaller, it's just the position my neck was in. So, back to square one on that front.

[DarkSkies18]

Hi there! I really needed to chime in here. I'm no stranger to health anxiety and I have been through my own lymphoma worries- which until I came to this site, had no idea how common they were. My health anxiety began after the birth of my second daughter who was born with a rare syndrome putting her at risk for seizures, strokes, and delays. She has not had ANY of these symptoms and has been doing wonderfully, yet the anxiety ate away at me for 4 years wondering when the "day would come". Somehow this transferred to my own health, worrying what if something happened to me and I left my daughters. Similar to how you feel with your parents in a way.
Anyways, I feel for you and I sympathize with you. The more you post, the more it sounds to me that you are coming to terms with a diagnosis you do not have yet. Although it's quite impossible to tell our anxiety to scram in an instance where you are awaiting tests and results, remember that as of right now, nothing has been diagnosed.
I also wanted to share with you a story about my coworker. She went in for routine blood tests which sent her to a hematologist. Her white bloods or red bloods were way off (can't really remember) but she also had an enlarged spleen and the doctor came out and said they were concerned about lymphoma. Because she didn't have any enlarged lymph nodes visible to biopsy she had to have a bone marrow test....which came back negative for lymphoma, etc.
I'm sorry for the long post, but just because the doctor is doing their job (very well) and indicating they want to rule something out, does not mean it is so.
Also wanted to mention that when I had two scares with health anxiety, 2 things happened. I lost my appetite completely, and I realized that our bodies produce psychosomatic symptoms. Our minds are powerful. The more we believe something, the more it can physically manifest (bodily speaking of course) lol.
I wish you the best with your tests and will be thinking of you. It is a stressful time of course.