Had a big panic last night. I won't say too much about it, but it was bad. The evenings and nights are always worse, when there is no light or signs of life.
Right now I'm feeling a bit better. I told K from HR and she was lovely. She told my boss, and his boss M, and M called me info his office and said if I needed anything, any accommodations while I waited for my results etc, he would help. He said I could call him any time if I needed to talk. Everyone was so kind and understanding that I felt a lot better.
Sometimes I think everything feels worse because I get so lonely. And when I am shown kindness it sort of heals me for a bit.
I couldn't sleep on my right side last night because although the lumps are painless the surrounding area aches now. It's started radiating into my ear. I had some sort of weird out of body experience.
My eating has deteriorated and I can no longer eat solid food. I chew and chew until it's a mush and then when I try to swallow I gag. Instead, I'm drinking lots of high calorie shakes and smoothies, and yoghurts.
My appointment is on Monday now.