Hi All,
It's been awhile since I've had to post on here, but I'm having a new spike with my anxiety, and this is such an amazing community I'm hoping I can get any advice from people who find themselves in a similar situation, and also offer any reassurance or comfort to those in a similar boat.
Recently, I've developed a strong case of emetophobia. This was entirely unexpected (but isn't it always?), as I've never been much of a person prone to stomach problems (gives me anxiety to type that as I feel as if it's marking me to be the next target of a stomach bug), and when I've had to throw up in the past, while it hasn't been fun by any means, it hasn't been traumatizing.
For reasons too complicated to go into in one post, I've developed a lot of shame and guilt associated with throwing up, which has manifested itself into strong emetophobia. I am CONSTANTLY scanning and checking myself for symptoms, and eating food or going out for a drink has become a nightmare. Every meal I calculate when food poisoning would hit, and and then the anxiety cycle starts, especially if it falls during a time I would be at work, out, or in any public place. I still get anxious if I don't have plans that night and will just be at home, but it is less so. Now we have the winter stomach bug going around my office, and I'm on high alert. Washing my hands frequently, googling how long it takes for symptoms to last, getting nervous walking into meetings with someone who had it in the past couple of weeks, etc.
Where my mind goes when the anxiety hits is the image of me getting the sudden urge to throw up when in the middle of a public space, and then just having it happen (not having enough time to run to the bathroom). This hits especially hard in Ubers or train rides home where I can't easily get out, but also hits just when I'm hanging out with friends because I worry about what would happen if I suddenly got sick when with them (they would of course do nothing but be supportive and kind, but that's not the way anxiety brain works does it?)
The wonderfully ironic thing is that with all of this anxiety, I am literally worrying myself sick. IBS symptoms kicked up a few months ago, and on a daily basis I feel nauseous and queasy, and sometimes feel the huge sudden urge to vomit when I feel trapped. All of these go away once my mind is distracted, so clearly they're all symptoms of anxiety.
This is all exacerbated by a couple of big events. In a few weeks I'm turning 30 and have planned a trip down to New Orleans with a group of friends. I started planing the trip before the emetophobia kicked in, and I'm petrified now. Also coming up is a theater show with my Mom that we have been planning for a long time and she is so excited about. And the biggest one that really started this whole thing is that next year my brother asked me to be his "Best Maid of Honor" (I'm his little sister) in his wedding. Instead of being excited about all of these, I just keep thinking about what if I get food poisoning or have the stomach bug during it? What if I puke in the middle of the ceremony or the show with my mom and ruin the experience for everyone? Or for the trip to NOLA, what if my anxiety doesn't dissipate by then and I spend the entire time being worried about getting food poisoning from all the delicious food we want to try, and I can't get out of my head enough to enjoy the trip?
I don't know exactly what I'm looking for with this post, and I'm sorry it's so long. I guess I'm just reaching out to see if anyone else is in the same boat? Or have you been here in the past and have any tips for how to make it through this? I'm also here to help reassure anyone who is in a similar vain or needs to talk. I have an excellent therapist and he's helping me with exposure therapy with this, but this feels so overwhelming and unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I feel so lost and helpless, and I guess I'm mostly just reaching out.
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