This is complex, and I almost think it doesn't necessarily belong in the female health issues section, but I will put it here. I know it will be long, and I think it might be more important to just write it out than for anyone to read it and respond.

I am 44 years old, and have three kids. I posted before about having an obsession with breast cancer, if you look at my post history you can see that post. As I described, what happened was that I have had TONS of call backs and biopsies and breast testing, and now that has really messed with my head and I find myself believing I will have breast cancer at any moment. In two weeks I will be going to have my yearly mammogram and a follow up ultrasound of a suspected fibroadenoma. I have switched to a facility specifically because they give same day immediate results. I have a therapist I have processed this with, I have a friend going with me, I felt settled about that (but it is in the back of my mind).

What I didn't post about before was that I actually had all sorts of medical trauma last year- after a trip out of the country, I came back with a serious GI thing and my feet and legs went totally numb. The funny thing is that I first was sure it was health anxiety, and tried to cope with it that way. It eventually became WAY terrifying, and after many tests and specialists I figured out I have pernicious anemia. The GI thing depleted the very last of my already low B12, and I had to have daily B12 shots for a period of time to resolve my symptoms. I now have shots 2-3 times weekly (my husband does them at home) and will have them for life. I am fine with that, my neurological symptoms are almost resolved, and I am just relieved to have an answer. The tricky thing is that I had been managing my anxiety with extensive physical exercise, and when I could no longer exercise due to the neurological symptoms, plus I had true medical weirdness, I lost control of my anxiety. I am now exercising again, a lot, but... it is not enough.

More about last year- in late September, I had my pap smear, and I have never had a call back, and I had no anxiety waiting for results- in fact I didn't even remember I had a pap smear until my doctor called me and said I had an abnormal result- atypical glandular cells, HPV negative. This is a pretty rare result. I ended up having a D&C, hysteroscopy, endometrial ablation, uterine biopsies, etc. etc. under general anesthesia. My doctor found nothing, saw nothing, said that it was just something that happened. My doctor told me not to worry about it.

Then I had some weird labs, also a long story but my folate was sky high, and I was still having GI issues, so my doctors suspected SIBO. I did test positive for SIBO. I had SIBO in 2017, I was not surprised to have it again after the travelers diarrhea issue. I have IBS, have always had stomach issues. My doctor prescribed a specific SIBO antibiotic that is about $2,000, my insurance wouldn't cover it and I tried to figure things out over the last few months. I am just now expecting the antibiotic by mail in a few days from another country. So I have untreated SIBO- severe gas, bloating, diarrhea, etc. I will be very happy to be able to start the antibiotics in a few days. Because I have the GI issues, the SIBO, the B12 deficiency, etc., my GI doctor wanted me to do an endoscopy and an abdominal CT (the kind where you drink the barium solution). I agreed to do the tests as long as they could be before the end of 2019 as my insurance deductible was met- so I had the tests on 12/23/19, and 12/26/19 (it was a great Christmas). Even around the time of the CT, I was having some weird irrational thoughts, and due to abdominal pressure and sensations I was sure they were going to find a pelvic mass. (???). I was positive. The CT scan was unremarkable, a few tiny ovarian cysts that were just normal cycle type things, some inflammation as far as GI things, nothing surprising. The point is- this CT scan of my abdomen was SIX WEEKS AGO. Pretty recent.

Last week exactly during ovulation, I had a lot of pain. I always have pain when I ovulate, always have, always know exactly when I ovulate. I realize I still have a lot of abdominal pressure due to the untreated SIBO, but something in my brain when haywire and I started worrying. It came into my head that the doctor never told me when to follow up on my pap smear, and then I was thinking I was hoping it would not be close to the mammogram, and then I started to get more and more anxious about all of the abdominal sensations and messaged my doctor. The office said I was, in fact, due for a repeat pap, and I should come in the next month or so. I decided to go in the next day, yesterday. I had the pap and will be anxious for those results, but I also talked to the provider about my current pain following ovulation (which has now been 4-5 days long). She said she was not worried, take Advil, and if it continued I could some in for an ultrasound. She said she was not worried about it. She looked at the recent CT scan, and said those cysts were normal cycle type cysts, and wouldn't be causing any issues.

Yesterday, I went into a spiral. I Googled. I spent SIX HOURS reading stories about women diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I decided I have ovarian cancer- the gas, bloating, pelvic pain, urinary urgency but then not producing much urine. I am trying to tell myself that ovulation pain is normal for me, and that I DO HAVE diagnosed IBS and SIBO and GI problems, and this is the cause of my symptoms, but it is not really working. My kids were trying to get my attention last night, and I could not stop looking my my phone and reading these stories. Hours. I know that this was NOT the correct thing to do- for myself, as a mom, none of it.

Now today, the anxiety is still HIGH. I am trying not to contact my doctor's office to request an ultrasound. I was just there yesterday, and they did not recommend an ultrasound then. I am so angry with myself for being in this situation. It does not help that all of the ovarian cancer stories are about how the symptoms are so vague and that you should keep pushing your doctor if you have a feeling. Some many things call it a disease that "whispers". As a person with health anxiety- ha. I always have a feeling that something terrible is happening. I also do not want to spend money on unnecessary medical tests- 2/3 of my kids need braces this year, and I don't need to spend $500 on an ultrasound that is not currently recommended. On the other hand, I am afraid that until I have the ultrasound, I will believe I have ovarian cancer. All of it is so depressing- this is not what I want for my life, I hate living in terror all the time.

I decided that posting here is better than Googling, better than contacting my doctor, and might help me get things a little more in perspective.