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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    971

    Abuse and anxiety

    Hi,
    I realise this is a bit rogue and probably not the right place to post but I am so confused about it all.
    Basically myself and partner of 6 years moved out together. House is in his name. I am not working at the moment and havent since we moved in together, which was in May last year when my bad anxiety started. He is violent, aggressive and berates me for my anxiety problems. But on the other hand helps me with it, such as helping with my ocd rituals. I am so confused as to whether he is right to be as angry as he is. He worries about money. He sees me sitting at home. And it goes from there. But he does have a cannabis habit which I feel is the real cause of his anger. If he runs out, I get the brunt. Today for example I have been called some horrible names, lazy this lazy that, which I wont write on here as its quite profane. I am scared to leave him, because he does talk to me down out of my fears and has generally been extremely supportive over the years. But the wheels have fallen off now and he can be so abusive. What I wonder is, how do people with severe anxiety problems leave relationships? I am scared of being alone but I am scared here too. X

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    971

    Re: Abuse and anxiety

    And also he knows I am not lazy, so its just to be hurtful. He knows it is because of anxiety that I am at home. That is cruel? I dont know? He knows how I hard I worked for my degree, I got a first. He knows I struggled for thr last year of it and pushed through it all to complete it. He knows I look after my family and my mum. How can he be so blind to what is causing me to be at home?

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    509

    Re: Abuse and anxiety

    Time to get out. No one should be putting up with this type of behavior. It’s only going to escalate until it becomes physical abuse. Don’t let your mind trick yourself into thinking he’s the only one that can help you with your OCD issues. There is ALWAYS help out there, that won’t be unhealthy for you - which your partner is.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    971

    Re: Abuse and anxiety

    Thanks glassgirl. Yeah, he often says to me 'no one else would put up with it' and stuff like that. And maybe they wouldn't I dont know. It has been physical a few times, I'm not talking beaten up but stuff has happened. And it's all just very hard to decipher because like I say he has been a really good support over the years but now it's like hes holding it against me. He says sorry, we sort it out, and then it happens again a day or a week later. And thinking about it, it can't be doing my anxiety any favours. I'm constantly trying to assess his mood, and I know immediately when hes turned and can feel myself getting clammy and panicked. But the alternative as back to my parents at 32, no support and of course I'll miss the relationship. My friends are really good and so is my brother, but honestly I wouldn't ever tell any of them the extent of anxiety problems because I'm just too private. So he is the only one I have really

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    509

    Re: Abuse and anxiety

    I understand the private thing. I’m the same way. I haven’t really told any of my family or friends the extent of my anxiety - they know I have it but they don’t know the extent it’s gone to sometimes.

    here’s the thing - you will just keep getting mentally beat down over and over and over again. Living on edge constantly keeps your anxiety at a heightened level and it will only keep getting worse. It sounds like your anxiety is a trigger for him, so as your anxiety worsens so will the abuse.

    it’s not the end of the world to move back in with your parents. I think you’ll find yourself able to calm the anxiety, maybe get a job and find a small place that’s just yours. You need to do this for your own sanity.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
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    20,793

    Re: Abuse and anxiety

    You need to get away from that regardless LF. There's absolutely no excuse at all, in any way, shape or form to be treated that way.

    Positive thoughts
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  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    3,602

    Re: Abuse and anxiety

    Agree with the others. Leave.

    Yes, it's ok for him to be frustrated and even a little angry at things, but to take it out on you, to abuse you, to be violent is not ok, ever. He is also being extremely manipulative and controlling because HE is the one with the house in his name and he is putting you in a bad place AND supplying care at the same time. This is classic narcissistic behaviour. On top of that, worrying about money and having a drug habit is BS. Comments like 'no-one else would put up with it' are also BS. My partner has a much more severe mental health condition than anxiety and I don't treat her like crap. She drives me f#*king mad some days and it makes me want to scream, but I would never take it out on her, or try and control her.

    There's nothing wrong with moving back to your parents at 32 either. That's what they're there for. I did it at 34 when an old relationship broke up. I was there a month and then found a place of my own, and you will too. I think it's time to confide in your friends and family. You might be surprised at just how receptive they are, and how much of a weight it takes off your shoulders.

    Fundamentally, your boyfriend is being an a55hole. I understand your feelings for him, but run. Don't tell him, don't talk to him, just leave. Don't risk being manipulated or bullied by him again.

    And yes, living with him is likely to be your biggest source of anxiety right now.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
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    24,070

    Re: Abuse and anxiety

    The thing about abusive partners is they tend to create an illusion that you need them. You don't. They will make you feel only they can help you and you must stay within their grasp. All along they will just keep doing what they are doing whilst restricting your life more & more to make you dependent on them.

    I would move back home and take life from there. The alternative, if he doesn's week help for his own issues and work veyry hard to change, is escalation and more of the same. And as said above, ironically this will only keep you within your anxiety because he will use it against you and create an environment for worry to flourish.

    As far as support goes you have this place and there are real life charity groups where you can do the same. They may not always be there at the moment you need them but what is the advantage of being knocked about and living like this? And from such groups you might make close friends too.
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  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    971

    Re: Abuse and anxiety

    Thank you all for replying.
    I guess moving back isnt the worst thing, I'm more embarrassed than anything as all my friends are getting married and having babies and here I am again not able to just be normal or happy for one reason or another. They are supportive but I just couldn't tell them the extent of it all I dont think. And you're all right, hes made me feel comfortable and that he cares but really, when it comes down to it he doesn't. Hes cheated, broken my stuff including my phone, hit me and been really verbally abusive since we moved out. When I think back over the years theres been hints of it, things being broken or flying off the handle. But this has all crept up on me and now I'm thinking how did I get into this situation. My anxiety is so bad, as I've posted about I have turned to having a drink to help. But it has never ever resulted in me being drunk or aggressive or anything like that. He hounds me about this as well, says I'm weak and make no effort to stop, completely ignoring I've obviously started to feel reliant on it to help my anxiety. Saying this, I do agree it has to stop and a lot of what he says is right. But smashing up wine bottles, glasses to the point glass is flying around the room isnt going to help anything. And the fact he himself has a problem with smoking is just so hypocritical. But yet I'M the one who has to change and I'M the problem. It's just all toxic really now. And my anxiety is getting worse and worse and I do believe it's because half the time I'm worried if hes going to flip at me about money, or drinking, or not having a job or not cleaning to his standards, whatever it is that day. I'm at my mums now, just really struggling with it all.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    3,602

    Re: Abuse and anxiety

    Your situation is a self sustaining loop of problems. You're anxious because of him, but also (as Terry pointed out very well) under the illusion that you need him to cope (you absolutely do not), you feel like you need to drink to relax, which he has a problem with and then reacts to, leading you to feel more anxious.

    His behaviour is deeply manipulative and unreasonable, and even if he wanted to change the depth of behaviour you are speaking about would take an incredibly long time to unpick. However, it doesn't sound to me like he wants to change. I suspect he'll promise that he will once he realises you are gone, but I am 99% sure that he won't.

    If you look back at your thread about losing 7 months to anxiety, you mentioned being pathetic. That to me sounds like his words echoing through you. You need to be away from that to heal.

    Now you are mentally moving away from that situation, it would be a really good idea to confide in at least one person. Somebody you can just be yourself around, and who won't judge you unfairly. You might get odd 'come on, cheer up' comment, but that's not the same as being physically and verbally abused the way you are now.

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