Abuse and anxiety

[LF87]

Thanks Joe. Yeah, he is deep as the ocean and I have no idea where to start. He gets upset about not having a group of friends anymore, as he isolated himself from them years before he met me. But openly tells me he hates and resents me for having a group of friends. Hes never been the type to stop me seeing my friends dont get me wrong, quite the opposite. But since we moved out ( he had never really mentioned it or how much it upset him) he has been quite manic about it as a topic during one of his rages. Crying, smashing things and saying I do nothing to help him with this. What can I do? I cant make this happen for him, it isn't my fault. He says I isolate him even though this occured well before he met me. It's all very unsettling for me. I'm not saying woe is me, I respect his problems. But he doesn't respect mine. All his issues are major in his opinion, and mine can be fixed overnight if I just get my head together. It's so unreasonable. I have told my brother quite a lot, and a few closer friends. But honestly I worry, if I told them about the drinking and stuff. I don't want them to have a bad opinion of me and alcoholism has SUCH a stigma, people are so demonised. And I know it isnt helpful and i know it can make some people act badly, so I sort of get why it has that reputation. But for them to think I'm unhinged or unstable would just destroy me. And my whole social life is based on going out having a drink with my friends and stuff. Imagine, now they think I'm an alcoholic. They would start thinking we shouldn't ask her out anymore. So I am just very stuck in what and how much I give away. Because I can solve this myself and no one needs to know. But it seems very hard right now, as my main support keeps treating me like crap. Just very confused

[ankietyjoe]

I think you've become used to being judged, because that's what he is doing. I also think you'll find the vast majority of your friends and family won't behave the same way and will just want to help.

Going out and having a drink is fine (within reason). Drinking at home to cope with the anxiety of your life is not. You're not an alcoholic yet by the way, far from it. Put that fear out of your mind, and take control of what you can now. Namely, your tormentor.

[LF87]

Thank you Joe. Yeah I am going to try my hardest to be a bit stronger in this. And thank you again for your words. Will keep reading back over everyone's replies today, it is helping me trying to put this all into perspective. I dont want to feel like this anymore x

[Iwant2bhealthy]

Because I can solve this myself and no one needs to know.

You can't. If it would be something you could solve yourself it would already be done. We need help and support of other people just as much as we need air, water and food.

My advice would be to talk about the situation at home with one of your friends. Choose one who you think will be the most supportive, and see how it goes from there.

Also, if you are worried about your drinking try to stop for 3 months. Go out Nd meet up with friends, but drink only non-alcoholic beverages. If your friends ask why you dont drink say you're on meds, but you still wanted to enjoy their company. See how you feel. If not drinking turns out to be a problem it's a strong sign you should seek help. Your partner's addiction is his problem, and you are only responsible for yourself.

And I also agree with everyone else here, GET OUT OF THIS ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, SAVE YOURSELF!


Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

[LF87]

Thanks want2b healthy. If I'm honest I have never in my life gone longer than 3 months, that is so bad! Where I live theres kind of a party/drinking culture I guess, I've always gone out on a weekend and had drinks. But I should definitely try, even if it's just a month. Even a week would be good at this point :/

And yes, I need to try make moves to not stay in the relationship. I suppose I keep hoping for the best as he has a few days or weeks where hes perfect again. But then changes so quickly x

[ankietyjoe]

If he's physically violent, even once is too much. It doesn't matter if he's a saint for the rest of his life, that one time is enough. The fact that his behaviour is regular is a big no no. Please don't start making excuses to stay.

And drinking culture is rife everywhere in the UK, but I gave up booze when I had anxiety and didn't start again now my anxiety is gone. I don't miss it at all, and it's never an issue when I'm out. The only issue is that there is a part of you that doesn't want to stop.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Drinking culture was just the norm in my city and still is. You finished work and went to the pub. You went clubbing at the weekends. So many friendships can include a lot of this and sometimes you end up losing touch with those who just party. But I think as you grow older this changes anyway as the days of getting bladdered in the week get harder to recover from and get up to go to work as we did in our twenties.

I don't drink anymore and, combined with leaving a workplace where we did a lot of socialising, I lost touch with everyone including friends I had for years. But you can make new friends. I don't really miss drinking now and haven't for years although I would happily be in the pub with mates but more because they were there.

Some years ago, long before my anxiety days, I took a look in the mirror and decided to ditch all my ex work colleagues too. There was a drug and drink culture and I decided it wasn't what I wanted to be anymore.

I think my concern is more that you could turn to alcohol to handle the anxiety. He is making this worse and adding to the potential for a future addiction. I wonder how removing him from the equation might mean you can handle things better without feeling the need for some relief or maybe finding therapy/medication/changes to better your mental health do enough for you?

[ankietyjoe]

It's also interesting to note that a pal of mine went to Germany a couple of years ago, he lived there for several months. One night he had a bit too much to drink and was singing on the way home from a bar, and was arrested. The way WE view alcohol consumption in this country is weird. So many allowances are made for disgusting behaviour because 'oh lol he was so pissed'. Like Terry, I can go to a pub with friends and not think about drink at all, although I could also have a beer and be fine with that too, but I cannot be around drunk people. They're just so annoying for the most part.

[LF87]

Totally relate to Germany comment! When I was in Italy for my brothers wedding we had this huge villa, about 20 stayed there. And it was pretty wild for drinking and partying as you can imagine. Anyway the taxi driver we had for the week came in one night as we were waiting for people, and on the way home we were chatting and he was saying how crazy he finds the drinking culture in England. People just get totally smashed, he said generally no body does that around there. I mean used to when I was younger but generally have learned my lesson on that front haha. Terry, yeah over time I see a lot less of some people. A lot of my closest friends have had babies so I dont see them as much, especially for drinking nights. I can see myself stopping altogether, its just not what I want anymore. I've put on weight, feel crap and as mentioned the hangovers are chronic. I just need to find something to help my anxiety that isnt in a glass 😕 Yeah, the violence has been a few occasions and it really isnt acceptable. He has always had a snappy temper but it has got worse.

[ankietyjoe]

The sooner you leave the better. Make the decision, don't look back.

He will make ALL the promises in the world and swear to be different etc etc blah blah. He won't. You need to put yourself first now, and focus on you and your recovery.