I have been a lot better since my leukaemia scare (weird blood test result that turned out to be a virus) before Christmas. But this week I have just gone into TOTAL MELTDOWN. I have a job interview tomorrow for a job I am not sure if I want, I have been in my current job for 16 years and fear of change is a massive thing for me. So as a result my HA has gone into total overdrive. I have been working hard in therapy and I now have a lot more insight about how the HA process works for me. The logical part of me thinks that I am hyper focusing because I am pinning all my anxiety about the interview onto my health, but there is a very, very real part of me that says this is an actual brain tumour and I will ignore these symptoms or explain them away AT MY PERIL!
I am having bad visual disturbances. Started with noticing sparks in my vision when I move my eyes sharply to the side. I think these are flick phosphenes (yeah, I googled) which could be harmless, so I managed to just about accept that. Then yesterday I had coloured lights in the corner of my vision. I have ocular migraines and this was nothing like that, it only lasted a few seconds. Then the a few nights ago I woke up smelling a strange smell (then woke up the next morning with a migraine. This has happened before with the smell thing but that was years ago)
Then today, I was looking at my ipad screen and I noticed a very definite ghosting of the letters on a white background. So all in all, I have convinced myself that this can ONLY be a brain tumour. I can't rationalise. I have googled, it's bad. Just can't calm down. I'm annoyed and frustrated with myself but also very scared that this time it's the real deal. I have even booked a Dr appointment before my regular check up which I am not meant to do as part of my not reassurance seeking. So as you can tell, things are going badly.
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