A mate recommended this. I don't know if this is the right place, sorry if not.
I get no privacy at home and use a shared computer so can't have an online diary with guaranteed privacy. I'm having a trashy time of it so she said to try this. I don't want to use the rest of the forum yet, so I don't expect anyone to read this and comment. Online stuff is a mine field of idiots. Not got the energy for those people but I need to get this out because it's killing me. It makes me feel like I'm less alone to write it all out.
I have onefriend who pays attention to me and is a pleasure to talk to, and wetalk almost exclusively by text because we live so far away, but if she wasn't around I'm sure I'd have started self harming again recently. She has troubles too and is busy but is always there for me if I need it. Often I feel the only time I feel human is when she checks in or sends me a joke. Last time I was really low she asked if there was anything she could do to help me, and she couldnt understand why I said she already helped me. Just by being my friend. It sounds stupid but it's true. It grounds me a lot, it makes me feel stronger and more secure.
I've always clashed with my other best mate a bit, it never bothered me,but now seems to be worse around my partner and I feel ganged up on when they're together.
I end up feeling left out and stupid becausethey both read the same paper and so have the same thoughts onvarious subjects and follow the same topics of interest.
I'm not stupid, and it's not that I can't keep up with them, but they scoff at me and when I disagree they proceeded toexplain basic concepts to me as if the only reason I didn't agreewith them must be because I'm too simple to understand them rather than actually listening to what I'm saying. It it makes mefeel isolated and lonely. I just want to cry, it's not fun or relaxing as socialising usually would be.
My partner has more nice words to sayabout their ex than me and seems to consider that relationship to havebeen the most significant to date, which is a slap in the face.
We never share experiences or ideas, I've tried I just get nothing back. You don't walk around with your headphones in all day andpull them out just to discuss who will be cooking and if we needanything from the shop if you're around people you want to engagewith. I don't understand how a person could live this this and thing it's okay.
I have neverhad this problem before. I've always been social and have generally been referred to as interesting and intelligent over the years in school and at work, but I have been with my partner so long and I can't afford to go through a divorce right now, but it doesn't feel fixable. Isuppose that's why I've gone back to writing, it's the only time Iget to be myself and feel confident, be it texting or this.
Vent *1.
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