scared to get better. anyone else the same

[honeybee]

im agoraphobic...

i've come a long way in my recovery and can do a hell of a lot of things i couldnt 2 years ago...

my last fight is against being able to go out on my own, i just cant do it!!!

i went to the doctors and got no help there and my boyfriend has now offered to pay for private CBT sessions for me (since i cant work and am not entitled to benefits and am officially skint and £22 overdrawn)...

but im terrified of even getting better, im not sure if its just that i cant imagine ever living a 'normal' life again and feeling 'normal' or the fact if i get better im gonna have to risk being a failure or if its just that im being lazy (even though i dont think it is)...

is anyone else scared of getting better or am i just being stupid???

if so, please put things into perspective for me so i can feel excited about it rather than scared!!!

[nanny]

NO Honeybee you are not stupid, you are just afraid of the unknown.
maybe you have got so used to being ANXIOUS that you are afraid of how you'll feel when you haven't got this thing hanging over your head.

Already you are thinking you are going to be a failure when in reality you'll probably get out there and do all the things you maybe dream of doing and feel real good about it.

It is scary, i'm doing my utmost to get a job, but the thought of actually getting one and starting it is terrifing, but should i get one and make myself go i know i'll be glad i done it.

I always say it's the thought thats frightening, not the reality of doing it.
so stop thinking you are stupid coz your not ok

[PUGLETMUM]

hi honeybee,

please try to remember that agoraphobia is the most complex of all the anxiety disorders. panic is panic no matter why you experience it, but agoraphobics go to extreme lengths to avoid panicking, and so therefore the panic has a massive impact not only on the individual suffering but also everybody the agoraphobic knows.

you really have (like me) given up a massive amount because of this disorder,and it will take you a very long time to recover,and you need to allow yourself that time.

i like you had not been able to go out of my comfort zone(about1 mile)alone for almost 7 years!!! then this year i have had a relapse into dependant behaviour due to having a couple of big panic attacks while i was alone and couldnt get hold of ppl(started to be litterally terrified of being alone incase i couldnt handle a big panic, very demoralising!!!). so i started to go out instead, i thought it was the easier option,i knew where ppl were but i was out! and i wasnt alone i was with my daughter which made it harder not better, because i would have to take the chance of having to scarper with her in tow should i panic!!

anyway ive made it to supermarkets and a shopping center where i wouldnt go alone before, and guess what?i felt rubbish!!! i didnt come home skipping with joy, it just made me see what id lost and how much further ive got to go so now i want to go back to just trying to be happy on a day to day basis with the fact that i have another day alive and my health and my family are healthy, instead of striving for somthing that may not make me happy anyway!!!(this doesnt mean istop trying though,it just means i stop expecting too much)

i suppose that im trying to say that agoraphobia is a very curious disorder in that it actually becomes who you are,until you start to try to change it and then you dont know who you are!!!! it isnt nice,infact its very sad. and i dont go in for saying you can get there anymore because like i said when you get to where you wanted to go there is somewhere else to get to after that!!! you are constantly changing and evolving and it is never ever easy,but i think it is preferable to not doing it, all im trying to say is that it is a very complex situation and it is going to be very very hard to un-do what has been done.

maybe somebody else will disagree with me and they will say they just decided one day they wouldnt be agoraphobic anymore!!!but i dont think they will because i dont think it is possible to change such self-destructive behaviour overnight, you need to build yourself up, you need to believe that you are worth your own effort,why should you want to hide yourself away from the world? what have you ever done that means you cant go out there like the rest of the world and experience life?!!! the answer is NOTHING!!!!! so you need to stop treating yourself like some bodywho doesnt deserve to live!!! you are probably a wonderful person but for some god only knows reason you yourself have decided that you are RUBBISH!!! this is how its been for me anyway and if it is true for you then you need to change that opinion of yourself first and then you will want to help yourself!!!!

i hope this helps you in some way,and if it upsets you im sorry but this is what i feel bout agoraphobia.

take care, emma

[happyone]

i totally understand this. With me it is mental illness but I worry that if I 'get better' I will not like who I am left with ie me!
I don't like me very much as it is, but I hang onto the fact that I do believe there is a lot of nice about me. But if I get completely well....will I still like who I am or not. Will I be left with all the stuff I don't like
Happyone
xx

[sheena]

Hi

When I ended up completely agoraphobic (stuck in my bedroom to start off for 6 months) I felt that I had 'lost the person I was'. It was devastating.

I started to be able to go out with my daughter within a small safe zone but could not get anywhere on my own. I would get my coat on and end up having bad anxiety and panic attacks that at one stage I decided that I wasn't going to go out and then I wouldn't panic. This went on for a long time.

I eventually had sessions of CBT. I remember sobbing on the first time I saw the psychologist as I thought she was going to start to make me do things I did not feel able to do.

I also had a driving phobia. I had an awful fear of having an accident and being unable to get out of my car. We started to work on that. It was hard work and to start off with I would just sit in the car and stay there for a while. I eventually managed to drive down my road and then around the block. This all did not happen overnight but over a period of approx. a year. Panic and anxiety were still there but I carried on through it. I now can drive 20 minutes down the motor way to Hemel Hempstead to look after my two grandchildren. My first grandchild was born the week before I became agoraphobic so it is nice now to get closer to him and my 22 month old grandson.

Going out I can now go the shops to get my paper, walk my dog around the block (i have two dogs, also a staffordshire bull terrier but he is terrified of traffic) so cannot walk him. I can go to the shopping centre by myself (al beit early when the doors open because of the crowds.

This had taken me about a year to achieve. I spent 3 years being agroraphobic and it has been a long haul back to some sort of normality. It was very had in the beginning but I adopted 'feel the fear' and do it.I still get anxious and panicy when I am out sometimes.

I do know how you feel that it might be best to just resign yourself to being agroraphobic as I did that for many years to escape the panic attacks and anxiety that going out provoked.

Please ask you doctor for CBT. You will have wait but it really helped to go forward slowly and tentatively.

I still cannot go in the supermarket by myself or go on holiday. But at least I have faith that maybe one day I will do these things but if it never happens I am not going to worry about it.

I hope this might have been some help to let you see that no you cannot one day say 'oh I am not agrophobic anymore' but for someone who thought that she was going to agorphobic till she died I just want to give you some hope.

Sheena

[Anna77]

Hi Honeybee

Yes, i have similar worries too. I'm agoraphobic and well on the way to getting better, but i just can't imagine being completely back to 'normal' again.

I'm absolutely terrified at the risk of failure, and also i've had this illness for so long now that i feel like it's a big part of my me - i can't imagine who i'd be without it! I guess we just adapted to living with it, as best as we could, because we had to. But if we could do this then it follows that we should be able to adapt to 'normal' life again! (If that makes sense! )

Hope the private CBT sessions go well

Anna x

[belle]

Hi..
I am terrified of getting better mainly because i don't know how easy it wil be to accept the fact that you won't have a panic attack. Surely in the back of your mind is "What if". Flipping heck, i've had 9 years of this, its going to take an awful long time to not think in that way.

x

[yorkylover]

Sending you a hug
I think most of us are scared of the unknown,I know I am.

[honeybee]

thanks for your replies guys... x

[Believe]

Hi honeybee

I don't think you are stupid. I think we all feel like this. An I think there isn't much I can add to what everybody else has said. Just remember that you aren't alone here and that we all will get better.

Take Care
Believe

I Believe That In Time We All Can Get Better.