Hello all,
sorry if it is a bit long and rambling. I am typing through tears, but am desperate for some reassurance.
I will state things as they exactly are. I am an ex nurse but despite that have always had a glass half empty attitude towards myself. I've battled with a abusive first marriage, lost all self respect and self esteem, went from an attractive slim outgoing person to a massively obese person with a different husband who is kind but doesn't "get it" when I try to express my concerns, I'm not wanting to disrespect him, it is just his nature but we have a good life together. But yes, obese, no will power to try to change things, I start every week to try to lose weight, fail every week. And so on so forth. I look old, fat, ugly and truly hate myself for becoming somebody I don't recognise.
I know this sounds stupid as an ex nurse, but I have only ever trusted 2 GPs in my life. One died and then his replacement came 13yrs ago or so and has been fabulous for me, somebody I have been able to speak to honestly, openly and frankly. He had my total trust. But in spite of all of this it has taken me months, literally, to pick up the courage to go to see him. And I have nearly always cried so high is my anxiety when I have seen him, but if he has told me I am OK, I have been able to believe him. On one occasion I saw a different GP, simply because they had re-jiggled appts as mine had been delayed somewhere. I lost all of my confidence all over again - I asked him did he think I could have cancer - his answer was "yes, no".....I asked if he thought my eyes looked yellow, he answered "yes, no...." so when I got to see my own GP again, he answered me directly and I believed him.
I am terrified that I am going to die. Terrified.
I have felt unwell for months now, lots of different things, some of which I can attribute directly to my HA, but some which are causing me direct stress. I think I have an immune autoimmune issue from some symptoms I have been having for some months, but kept putting off going to see my GP to discuss them, and either get some reassurance or follow his directions knowing I had confidence in him and he would look after me if my fears were correct. But this last week or so I have had new symptoms which include the most dreadful nausea, wooshes of dizziness, feeling faint, feeling slightly alien to my own body as if I am looking through layers of cotton wool. I think I look very pale, even my gums and my feet. I have a really sore right ear but that only started in the last 24hrs or so and I think it is because I have an ulcer on my gum at the joint.
But it has taken me so long to get the courage to ring to make an appointment, so I have rung up today, asked for an appointment with my usual GP to be told that he has left the practice. I have been given an appointment with the yes no GP, whom my husband sees and says is OK, but it has absolutely heightened my already overloaded HA, I have not been able to stop crying. I need to go and see him because I can't carry on thinking I am going to be dead within weeks, no point in planning anything or looking forward to anything - or even trying to lose weight. And at least he probably won't be surprised when I cry throughout my appointment, and I don't have to go over and explain everything all over again to him, but how do I deal with the issue of not being able to trust him, to put my trust in him, to have confidence in him?
I am sorry to have rambled and you probably think I am a very silly old woman. But I feel so distraught at the thought of my GP having left and not being able to trust anybody else. And I am fed up of feeling ill. Totally fed up of looking at myself and being worried about what I see staring back at me. Driving and studying my hands - they look white. Looking at my feet - they look totally white. Seeing my reflection and looking white.
Has anybody had their HA increased by lack of confidence in their GP and how do you over come it please?
thank you x