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  1. #1

    I am going completely insane, and I am hopeless.

    Good night to you all,

    It's the first time I am posting in this forum, mostly because I am desperate and I just wanna kill myself to end this once and for all...
    I had anxiety disorder for quite sometime now. I also had health anxiety when I was young, and low-level OCD. I had panic attacks during that time that got me to hospital sometimes, but after I got back from there everything would be OK because it was all anxiety. I was on medication like SSRI's for years, and Victan for SOS situations.

    I eventually got off the medications because I started to feel really disconnected from the world and I was sick of that, so I left the SSRI's and kept with the Victan for extreme cases. I was alright for sometime, but about like 5 years ago, my OCD started to develop more, and I needed to constantly check things like the car windows, if the car is locked, the lights are off and if my hands are wet when I pull the light switches, if the water was shut off in all areas of the house, and if the entrance door was properly locked. I also had to check if my dad was sleeping well before laying in bed, because he has some heart problems and I worry about it a lot.

    I broke up with my ex and I'm in a relationship with another girl now, and she supports me a lot, she is an angel. I never cheated on any girlfriend I had, and I started to develop those false memorys like I had cheated on her sometime in my life. It got so uncontrolable that I think I even cheated on her everyday with girls that I did not know on a shopping center that I work on. That was a really difficult phase of my life, but eventually it got better even though I still do some compulsions to avoid the false memorys, even though they appear anyway. I started to even lock my doors at home and leaving the keys in some position to make sure I didn't cheat on my gf. I'm also having a lot of memory problems like I don't know for sure what someone said to me or what I did moments ago or my memories of my early life are all dulled out. :(

    There are a lot of things that happened and my OCD was already so debilitating for me... but now I am going insane.

    2 days ago I was "playing" with my girlfriend doing the sleeper hold technique, because she was telling me she could get out of it. She could not, and she put a video on her cellphone showing people how to get out of it, and it could even kill a person. I started to rumminate on it and even though my girlfriend was there, I started to believe I did something to her and killed her during that moment. She got to the bathroom and I was panicking and asked my mom to talk to me, and I asked her if did I kill her... I told I was going crazy, I needed help, I was having a very bad panic attack. I went to the hospital and although I was much calmer, the doctor gave me a med to relax.

    In my head I am thinking now that I killed her, and her dad killed me or put me in a comma, and nothing is real anymore, this is not real world and I am dead or in a comma... And I'm gonna wake up at any moment from the comma... I am going completely insane, I don't even know if this forum is real anymore, I don't feel myself, I am so scared that I don't know what to say or think... I am going to my gf house tonight, and her dad is there, and I know everything is gonna be alright, but for me she is dead because I killed her and she doesn't exist anymore. I love her a lot and at this moment I want to cry. There was a traumatic event for me that happened regarding my dad and that sleeper hold, was a thief that robbed him because he passed out, so I don't know if there is any connection about what I am feeling.


    I am lost. I'm sorry for this guys. My life if hell. I don't know any similar situation so I must be insane. I just wanted to believe this is just OCD and I'm not developing any other mental illness... :( I just want to cry

    Thanks for reading guys.

    Any advice? I can't live like this anymore and I cannot believe that I got to this point...

  2. #2

    Re: I am going completely insane, and I am hopeless.

    Please find a therapist to help you with this. I think most of your issues can be caused by OCD. When I am having a bad obsession I sometimes have trouble with false memories and such, but it is not debilitating. You need to recognize that you may continue to have these thoughts but you don't need to pay attention to them or be bothered by them. A large percentage of people, even without anxiety, have strange, offensive thoughts. The difference is that they recognize the thoughts as mental garbage, not their true selves, and they don't let the thoughts and images bother them. As long as you take the thoughts seriously, they will have power over you.

  3. #3

    Re: I am going completely insane, and I am hopeless.

    Quote Originally Posted by MothFir View Post
    Please find a therapist to help you with this. I think most of your issues can be caused by OCD. When I am having a bad obsession I sometimes have trouble with false memories and such, but it is not debilitating. You need to recognize that you may continue to have these thoughts but you don't need to pay attention to them or be bothered by them. A large percentage of people, even without anxiety, have strange, offensive thoughts. The difference is that they recognize the thoughts as mental garbage, not their true selves, and they don't let the thoughts and images bother them. As long as you take the thoughts seriously, they will have power over you.
    Thanks a lot for the answer! There are phases of the day I feel better than others that I go completely down in mood and thoughts. The Yesterday I even had a dream that my mom was telling me to wake up, I was half-asleep when this happened. The hard part is believing that it is all in my head! I am also scared of developing schizo. And I believe that I am really developing it. Now I started to think that somehow I am not in a coma anymore, that I am in a coffin and I will wake up alive in it and I will die suffocatted, and that voice I heard from my mom was at my funeral or something... This is so strange. Any advice? I really need it... This is awful

    The first step is to believe that I am here, this is real world and I am not in a coma... Everytime I beat an OCD thought there it goes again and stabs me harder. Now I feel stuck and I cannot take this thought out of my head...

    I started to work with a hypnotherapist. I'll keep you updated on how I am going! I hope everyone that is going through this all the best because it is real hell on Earth....

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