Good night to you all,

It's the first time I am posting in this forum, mostly because I am desperate and I just wanna kill myself to end this once and for all...
I had anxiety disorder for quite sometime now. I also had health anxiety when I was young, and low-level OCD. I had panic attacks during that time that got me to hospital sometimes, but after I got back from there everything would be OK because it was all anxiety. I was on medication like SSRI's for years, and Victan for SOS situations.

I eventually got off the medications because I started to feel really disconnected from the world and I was sick of that, so I left the SSRI's and kept with the Victan for extreme cases. I was alright for sometime, but about like 5 years ago, my OCD started to develop more, and I needed to constantly check things like the car windows, if the car is locked, the lights are off and if my hands are wet when I pull the light switches, if the water was shut off in all areas of the house, and if the entrance door was properly locked. I also had to check if my dad was sleeping well before laying in bed, because he has some heart problems and I worry about it a lot.

I broke up with my ex and I'm in a relationship with another girl now, and she supports me a lot, she is an angel. I never cheated on any girlfriend I had, and I started to develop those false memorys like I had cheated on her sometime in my life. It got so uncontrolable that I think I even cheated on her everyday with girls that I did not know on a shopping center that I work on. That was a really difficult phase of my life, but eventually it got better even though I still do some compulsions to avoid the false memorys, even though they appear anyway. I started to even lock my doors at home and leaving the keys in some position to make sure I didn't cheat on my gf. I'm also having a lot of memory problems like I don't know for sure what someone said to me or what I did moments ago or my memories of my early life are all dulled out. :(

There are a lot of things that happened and my OCD was already so debilitating for me... but now I am going insane.

2 days ago I was "playing" with my girlfriend doing the sleeper hold technique, because she was telling me she could get out of it. She could not, and she put a video on her cellphone showing people how to get out of it, and it could even kill a person. I started to rumminate on it and even though my girlfriend was there, I started to believe I did something to her and killed her during that moment. She got to the bathroom and I was panicking and asked my mom to talk to me, and I asked her if did I kill her... I told I was going crazy, I needed help, I was having a very bad panic attack. I went to the hospital and although I was much calmer, the doctor gave me a med to relax.

In my head I am thinking now that I killed her, and her dad killed me or put me in a comma, and nothing is real anymore, this is not real world and I am dead or in a comma... And I'm gonna wake up at any moment from the comma... I am going completely insane, I don't even know if this forum is real anymore, I don't feel myself, I am so scared that I don't know what to say or think... I am going to my gf house tonight, and her dad is there, and I know everything is gonna be alright, but for me she is dead because I killed her and she doesn't exist anymore. I love her a lot and at this moment I want to cry. There was a traumatic event for me that happened regarding my dad and that sleeper hold, was a thief that robbed him because he passed out, so I don't know if there is any connection about what I am feeling.


I am lost. I'm sorry for this guys. My life if hell. I don't know any similar situation so I must be insane. I just wanted to believe this is just OCD and I'm not developing any other mental illness... :( I just want to cry

Thanks for reading guys.

Any advice? I can't live like this anymore and I cannot believe that I got to this point...