Struggling, was doing so well - need some support

[Lauz]

My HA has been rampant since just before xmas. It all started when I got a boil on my breast and triggered everything all over again. Prior to that I was HA free for a blissful 10 years.
So, since Xmas I have been in full melt down and was having daily panic attacks and pretty much got to the point of being manic with my thoughts and catastrophizing about 1.5months avo. I have been seeing a psychologist and am on meds again. I am feeling so much more balanced and rational, however what keeps triggering my HA is any form of ongoing pain. I feel like that isn’t unique, and can be triggering for many of us.

Basically I have been having the following
- lower back pain / discomfort - it is there most days but I have to say it does go away sometimes and boy do I feel great when it’s not there, I feel normal
- past couple of weeks I keep getting chills throughout the day with no fever
- on and off nausea, not long lasting
- some discomfort in my tummy, I wouldn’t say it’s a pain feeling
- loose stools at times, they seemed to go back to more normal once I started the meds and have gone a bit strange again this week as I think I’ve been a bit more anxious perhaps?

Basically, all of this combined just makes me feel uncomfortable and is really stopping me from recovering. I have to say the lower back discomfort is the biggest trigger and I am having this fight with myself on what is real and what is anxiety. I am really struggling with this. I know how powerful the mind can be. I mean this is coming from the girl who convinced herself I had something wrong with my breast due to the boil, hand on heart kept feeling pains etc in the breast, to then have an ultrasound and everything be ok. So I totally get how powerful the mind is, and I feel like I am doing a good job at the moment as I am not googling etc but it doesn’t help my brain wander off and think the worse that something is happening.

If you made it this far, thank you. I guess I am just seeking some support and empathy. I really am so proud of myself and how far I have come in these past 3 months, just feeling a bit low this week.

[Lauz]

Had a psychology session today, first one via zoom. It was actually really good. Was worried it wouldn’t be as effective as being in the same room.

This weeks tasks are to not wake up and ‘test’ and ‘check’ myself. Be that in the mirror which I do each morning and throughout the day. No checking bowel movements, which yep, it’s come to that these days.
When I start to think and focus in on my back discomfort to get up and go grab some water and distract. Also when I do feel overwhelmed, sit with it and think of 3 to 4 other logical explanations.
Will see how this goes and see how it impacts my anxiety, either for the better or worse.
I almost need to pop some post it notes up to keep me accountable.

It’s a sunny day here, I got myself outside in the backyard and helped my husband stain the deck. It was nice to be in the fresh air and move my body.