I think this title says enough to be an introduction to this post.

I know everyone has been having a lot on their plate as of late, especially those of us with anxiety and panic disorders and more over health anxiety (and also health conditions on top). I'm thinking of everyone in any of these categories. And I just want to say stay strong and talk and occupy yourself and just get through this the best you can. There is no right way to get through this unprecedented time.

Now, I have been anxious about the above. On top of it, I lost an amazing family member 3 1/2 weeks ago - my father in law. My husband is originally from the UK. We met on here. He moved to the US a few years ago and his parents visited us twice here. Luckily the last time being in Sept Oct 2019. So we saw them recently. We didn't know this would be the last time we would ever see in person or hug his father. We didn't know the Saturday call we had together would be the last that he would pop into the whatsapp video background while on video with his mum to ask how we are. He was such a cheerful man the last few years of his life and not seeing him leaves an empty void. With the virus happening, we could not fly to England to be with my mother in law, family or to be there for the funeral which was limited to 5 family members. We watched on live stream. It was beautiful. My husband contributed beautifully via recorded speech. We had that closure.

On to the next, the same day he passed, moments later I found out I was pregnant. We lost our first pregnancy a year ago just before Easter. It was a moment of many emotions. Viability scan at 6 weeks was not promising. We just lost the baby as of the last appointment Monday at 8 weeks and I was assisted along with pills to clear everything remaining in me. Now physically and emotionally empty. Also relieved that the sadness of a non progressive pregnancy is over. I suffer from a septate uterus (almost two wholly divided halves vs a normal pear shape one chamber uterus) which causes the recurrent miscarriages. I have a beautiful 7 1/2 year old who is as much my husband's as she is mine (not blood related to him), so we already have a beautiful family. The kids is insurmountable however. I am going through the normal grief. I'm logical. I need surgery. We have answers. So why isn't this easy?

I'm sick of the anxiety it is causing. I'm sick of the anxiety everything is causing. Who else has gone through grief in addition to grieving their normal life before the virus and also dealing with anxiety? It really feels like I got the miserable jackpot here. I just need some reassurance (on top of the unbeatable and immensely loving support my husband has given me and us throughout this all)?


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