Bad day with anxiety after drinking again. My own stupid fault :(

[GingerFish]

I feel selfish for writing this given the more serious things going on in the world right now and my problem was partly self inflicted. I haven't drank for 2 months until last night. I didn't miss drink but thought I would have one drink with my Easter meal. As some of you may know, my stepdad died in Dec quite suddenly and today would have been his and my mum's wedding anniversary. Mum called me last night in tears over it all and the grief came back to me in such a huge wave, not that it ever leaves but it felt like it was brand new again. I had a little breakdown after I got off the phone to her and used booze to 'help' it. I am so angry at myself because I have been dealing with grief, covid19 worries, lock down, money worries etc without booze and been coping pretty well tbh without it. Didn't even think about having a drink when I was stressed. I didn't feel drunk or even numb tbh last night but must have had quite a bit as my 70cl gin bottle was half empty.

As always with drink, I sleep very little if at all, even after just one. Literally got no sleep last night and the time I got closest to sleep, I woke up with a jolt sharp pain in my heart area and that set off a huge panic attack which led to multiple diarrhea trips to the toilet for 2 hours straight, then more panics about wtf that pain was and now hours on, I still haven't slept and can't sleep for the tight feeling in my chest and restless feeling in my brain. I also feel quite bad DP/DR, dizziness, palps, just not right etc. I can't stop crying with anger at how stupid I was to drink when anxiety, insomnia and chest pain the next day was the biggest reason why I quit.

I've tried to sleep so many times but it just wont happen right now so I have went for a bath, tidied up, ate a little something, read Dr Weekes books and now I am going to see if playing a game on my laptop might help. I haven't left my house in 3 weeks, maybe a walk later would help? I was so close to calling Samaritans earlier during the worst panic attack but didn't want to waste their time when they will have a lot of calls right now.

I have poured the rest of the gin doesn't the sink. I am not going through this again. There's enough on my plate right now without adding hangover anxiety.


Hope you are all doing ok

[BlueIris]

Please don't beat yourself up over this? We all make mistakes every now and again, especially at a time like this. I keep on messing up because I'm hypersensitive to caffeine but I keep on thinking the odd extra glass of cola or square of dark chocolate won't hurt me.

I think a walk would probably be a good idea, though; would help you burn off the excess energy even if you don't really feel like it at the moment.

[GingerFish]

Thanks, you're right. So hard to cut yourself some slack at times like this but it is needed. I am just back from a walk around the block. Was only about 10/15 mins but I went alone. My hubby offered to go with me but I was determined to go alone after how bad the panics have been today. I wanted to show myself I could do it. I felt great outside. I loved having the fresh air and sunlight on my skin. I didn't feel anxious at all, I felt free. As soon as I got home though, all the chest tightness and everything came back which sucks but I just have to keep telling myself that proves its anxiety but right now that is no comfort but I am working on it.

[Phoenixess]

Thanks, you're right. So hard to cut yourself some slack at times like this but it is needed. I am just back from a walk around the block. Was only about 10/15 mins but I went alone. My hubby offered to go with me but I was determined to go alone after how bad the panics have been today. I wanted to show myself I could do it. I felt great outside. I loved having the fresh air and sunlight on my skin. I didn't feel anxious at all, I felt free. As soon as I got home though, all the chest tightness and everything came back which sucks but I just have to keep telling myself that proves its anxiety but right now that is no comfort but I am working on it.

So sorry to hear about what happened to you and emotions can catch us off guard. I used to drink to help cope/numb the pain. On the 19th I haven’t touched a single drop in five months a journey I never thought I would see. Try not to over think it hangover anxiety is a bum and lies to you like crazy! Just remember it will pass.
I recommend making a plan for when things trigger you or your feel like drinking again if you feel better off without it. Perhaps write what your experience was like and stick it next to a gin bottle with a please read warning prior to picking it up.
The problem when you have one and intense emotions trigger that spark it can send our emotions out of control and grief is a perfectly understandable reason why you drank.
Take it easy you are human and your safe! I had the same experience when I drank the panic attacks were so intense and scary it’s scared me to pick up a drink again especially the chest pain and palpitations.

Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts right now. It’s ok to grieve it’s only natural it will never leave you but it will lessen.

Take care xx


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