Struggling so much, feeling like giving up

[Inanna]

hi all

Like so many others, this current crisis has dialled up my health anxiety to unbearable levels. I'm starting to have really disturbing thoughts, that trying to stay alive is too hard, and I want to give up and give in.

I'm working from home, and the only time I am at risj from Covid19 is my weekly shop. Well, I say that, I have my daughter living with me, and she still has to go to work three days a week, in a small office (she works in the criminal justice system).
I also have my nephew living with me (from 2 weeks ago), as he found himself homeless. If I am honest, I did not want to take him in, but I could not leave him walking the streets. He is 24, but I still have to nag him to wash his hands etc. He goes out for a walk every day (which is fine), but I'm not sure if he is visiting shops, meeting up with friends. The whole thing is a strain for us all (nephew included). It is driving me insane.. he hasn't washed any of his clothes since he has been here, even though I have offered him the use of my washing machine many times. He keeps leaving lights on, doesn't follow the house rules at all. Its difficult to address these issues, as I suspect he is depressed.

I'm also worried that I have some other health condition, and I wont be able to get treatment. Its spiralling again. My bowel motions have been really soft and loose for weeks, and my guts feel a little unsettled most of the time. I woke up yesterday and the room was spinning and I felt nauseous (vertigo), I could not log on to work. I also had to let daughter get bus, and there were 10 people on it :-(.

I keep trying to tell myself that its anxiety.. I'm worried about cancer as always. However, in the last 12 months Ive had so many tests, can things change that quickly? Ive had

Colonoscopy (12 months ago)
ECG and echo (4 months ago)
Ultra sound on womb, ovaries, baldder (3 months ago)
CT scan covering kidney, liver, pancreas, lower pelvic structures ( 3months ago), spleen, base of lungs etc
Gastroscopy (2 months ago)
Loads of blood tests (3 months ago)
Cervical screening (HPV test only) (2/3 months ago)

All came back negative

But my mental health keeps telling me there is something not right... with the symptoms I've had recently.

I am exhausting myself with all of the wiping down and cleaning, as well as working full time. I take shopping for my mum too.

My other daughter is in a high risk job (but not living in my town), so I am really worried about her too

Sorry this is a bit of a brain dump, I really need some coping mechanisms, and I needed to get this down.

[KK77]

I think you should work with your nephew to find him suitable accommodation as it's obviously putting an extra strain on an already intolerable situation re current events and your own mental health.

From the tests you've had, I think you should draw reassurance and strength that there isn't something sinister going on. Work on the things you can change and try to accept those you cannot - like your daughter going to work.

Being proactive - hard as it feels right now - is the only way to get through this.

[pav1984]

Out of everything your first paragraph is the most immediate concern. You really should talk to a trained professional. I think there must be some free ones like samaritans or similar.

By the sounds of it your nephew is taking the Mickey out of you and a frank and honest conversation about house rules isnt out of order.

Try to concentrate of the good things you have. For example you are not alone in the house. Yes they may get on your nerves at times but you have company.

[Inanna]

Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot to me.

You are right, and I feel like I definitely need some help.

The situation with my nephew is very complicated. So, his Mum is my sister, and the reason he cannot go back to his parental home, is because she has recently been diagnosed with Lung cancer, which has spread to her Liver (this has fuelled my fears too). My sister does not speak to me. I did send her a note saying how sorry I was to hear about the diagnosis, and to let me know if I could do anything, but she did not reply. I don't feel like I can pester her now, as it will cause her more distress, and its her choice. I feel very sad about that.

So, anyway, he came back and stayed with a friend in a house share until the housemates objected and he had to leave. I could not really leave him walking the streets in a lockdown, so I drove 40 miles to get him. It was supposed to be for two weeks, but now it looks like he can't leave, although he has not said anything to me, but my Mum told me she talked him out of leaving, as he was going to go to London, which freaked her out. He is applying for jobs locally, and obviously can't leave with no money and no job. He returned from Australia just as everything kicked off, and the job and accommodation he had lined up, both fell through because of the pandemic.

I did have a word with him yesterday about not leaving lights on, washing his clothes etc

Again, thank you for replying, its so helful to be able to put these things down

Inanna xx

[pulisa]

I hope he'll take note of what you said to him. He's lucky you took him in and that he has a roof over his head.

It's very sad about your sister and all you can do is respect her decision. It was generous of you to take in her nephew and I'm sure she would be grateful if she were in a better place. The very least he can do is agree to follow your house rules until the lockdown is over and keep out of your way.

As for your HA, you've had so many tests and asking for more in the current situation would be asking for trouble in terms of possible exposure to CV. Why risk that when you've recently been thoroughly tested? Keep away from hospitals and doctors-you know it's just anxiety causing your symptoms really..

[Inanna]

thanks Pulisa, I appreciate the voice of reason that you are so good at.

I think deep down I realise the chance of me having anything bad is very low, given the plethora of tests I've had, but then the HA demon voice asks me if Bowel cancer can develop in a year.

I'm trying to come up with an action plan.

I've found some yoga for anxiety on you tube, I will re-do my CBT (online course), and use my calm app. I'm not sure how easy it will be to get professional help, I'm sure a lot of people are struggling at the moment

Thank you again

Inanna xx