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Thread: Weird messed-up family stuff

  1. #1
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    Unhappy Weird messed-up family stuff

    I've been sitting on this for nearly a week now because I have absolutely no idea what to do with it.

    Basically, I come from a family that doesn't talk about things. Not ever. When my parents found out I was self-harming I was told to never mention it again, likewise when my ex sexually abused me. When my mother had a spinal tumour I was only told this, seemingly out of spite, when I asked for an apology for her laughing about a foot injury I'd suffered.

    That was a few years ago, though, and things have (mostly) got better. They're in their 80s now and mostly pretty mellow, and I'm glad I weathered the tough times with them.

    Of course, with lockdown I've been keeping in touch with them more often, increasing phone contact from once a week to once every few days. I mostly chat to my mother, because I think she needs the company. This Tuesday, we were having the usual casual conversation when she casually mentioned that she didn't want Dad leaving the house at all because of his pulmonary fibrosis. It wasn't a condition I'd heard of before and I knew he often had a bad cough, so I didn't worry overly and made a note to look it up later. The conversation finished, and I forgot all about it for a couple of hours until I was chatting to my husband.

    I wanted a few facts, so I did a quick check of the NHS website - dangerous for HA people, I know, but I'm pretty good at delineating between checking for basic information and panicking for hours down the Google-hole. Okay, NHS reckoned it was a terminal condition, but maybe I had it wrong? I checked a couple more sites and nope. my Dad apparently has a remaining lifespan of 3-5 years. He's nearly 84, so it'd be a bloody good innings either way.

    Still, though, it's some pretty major information for me to process. I could handle it if it hadn't been presented as such a casual thing, but I'm left not knowing whether my Mum even knows about the terminal nature of Dad's condition, if she was just trying to make light of it so I wouldn't worry, or if it was some sort of veiled cry for help. I (obviously) don't know how far he's progressed, either, except that he still sounds pretty okay.

    I'm handling it, but I haven't spoken to my parents since then because I have no clue what to say with this as the elephant in the room. I can also feel my mental health getting fragile again and I'm needing to use all my coping strategies to stay above water. It's working so far, but I feel as though if I stop paddling for as much as a second I'll go under and have trouble coming back up again.

    Long post - thanks for reading if you made it this far.
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  2. #2
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    Re: Weird messed-up family stuff

    Okay - heres my thoughts. Your parents have brought you up to not talk about things, it is damaging, as you've found from the confusions, fears and anxieties that have ensued (your upbringing sounds rather similar to mine). However, as an adult you don't need to be that way yourself, or with them now either - you can take control of this. The 'elephant in the room' doesn't have to be one, you can ask questions, as those questions are causing you anxiety by whirring in your head. Your Mum told you about the pulmonary Fibrosis, and you just left it as you've been 'trained' by them to not respond. However, a more healthy response would have been 'Oh, I didn't know he had pulmonary fibrosis, what is that ?' . This would have allowed you to suss what she knew, and assess the situation more accurately. Next time you call, ask her, be honest, with some sensitivity of course (not ploughing in with, I hear its terminal, I did some research lol). The damage to you doesn't have to continue, and you can take control over this. Its something I have had to do with my own parents, and not allow them to hurt me through their behaviours.

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    Re: Weird messed-up family stuff

    That makes a lot of sense, Carys; I hope I have the bravery to follow your advice. In the meantime, I'm taking back control at least a little by backing off until I feel ready to have such a potentially difficult conversation.
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  4. #4
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    Re: Weird messed-up family stuff

    Unfortunately many of us with anxiety disorders grew up in toxic environments and have been conditioned from an early age to catastrophise and worry. It's a form of PTSD and we have to be very aware of it because, despite the conscious mind burying painful memories, the subconscious never forgets and can be triggered without us even knowing. We might call it an HA flare-up, depressive episode, GAD/PD relapse etc.

    Your mother clearly used her "cancer" illness as a stick to beat you with, and many narcissistic parents use similar tactics as a form of control. The way she casually dropped your father's "diagnosis" into the conversation suggests she's playing the same game. I would urge you to not discuss this with your mother again but ask your dad to explain instead when you feel able to. You might find that your mother has stretched the truth, or even lied about all this.

    I don't want to cross the line with what I have written here. We love our parents despite everything... But we have to be honest with ourselves too. Toxic people - whether family, friends or spouses - will never change. So be aware but also protect yourself.

    You have mentioned many times what a loving husband you have now. That is where your heart should remain, not with ghosts from the past that have no place in your current life. They can no longer hurt you, BI.
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    Re: Weird messed-up family stuff

    Wow - two very different approaches given to you there Blue LOL My mother is a manipulator, controller, embellisher and truth twister - toxic also, in all respects, but my feeling is to no longer let her get away with it. I can't speak to my father, so actually, that is why I didn't think of that approach and have to go through my mother. Good luck with what you decide, but one thing is for sure, she threw that into the conversation to 'get to you' and don't let it do that if you can.

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    Re: Weird messed-up family stuff

    I know it sounds dreadful of me to say, but at his age pretty much anything could get him, anyway.
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    Re: Weird messed-up family stuff

    Absolutely, but it depends on if you want to know the facts or not...and if its going to eat away at you or not. It has taken me decades to 'just about' get to the point where I 'no longer care' and don't react, with coaching from various family members to get me to that point, throwing off your childhood can be a life-time experience for many but it does give you freedom once you go through the pain of building the right attitudes.

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    Re: Weird messed-up family stuff

    Okay, got a bit of an update as Mum rang earlier this morning for a chat. As soon as I was able to get a word in, I very gently asked her about Dad ("Isn't pulmonary fibrosis meant to be a bit scary?")

    She passed me over to Dad, who explained that he wasn't going to be able to find out much until he'd seen the consultant, but that my sister (a district nurse) had given him some leaflets explaining how the condition could be managed. I don't think he's overly worried, which is good.

    Feeling much better in general for having handled things like an adult.
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  9. #9
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    Re: Weird messed-up family stuff

    Quote Originally Posted by KK77 View Post
    Unfortunately many of us with anxiety disorders grew up in toxic environments and have been conditioned from an early age to catastrophise and worry. It's a form of PTSD and we have to be very aware of it because, despite the conscious mind burying painful memories, the subconscious never forgets and can be triggered without us even knowing. We might call it an HA flare-up, depressive episode, GAD/PD relapse etc.

    Your mother clearly used her "cancer" illness as a stick to beat you with, and many narcissistic parents use similar tactics as a form of control. Toxic people - whether family, friends or spouses - will never change. So be aware but also protect yourself.
    This is so well put, it describes my upbringing and mother (deceased 18 months) to a tee!!

    BlueIris, glad you got this sorted out without too much bother and remember your parents are adults so should be able to take responsibility for their own stuff.

  10. #10
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    Re: Weird messed-up family stuff

    Funny how so many of us here have had problems with our families, isn't it?
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