So alone and feel like I’ll never get better

[Hopefulmi]

Hi all,

I know many of us are struggling right now so just want to send best wishes out to you all.

I am having a really bad time right now. I went back on citalopram 10mg last year (now on 20mg). I used to be more HA but it has become GA. Last July I got really bad when my eldest son (now 7) finished Year 1. My youngest had just started nursery in the April and I had just finished a teaching degree so was back to being a full time mum. I just got so upset about them getting older I couldn’t stop crying. I had another blip in December when I increased my meds but I suppose that was the 10mg just settling down.

A week ago, I noticed I had been taking 10mg instead of 20mg and had felt so low for days again. I increased back to 20mg on Tuesday. I’m still crying all the time though and it’s the same thing. I keep looking at my boys, 7 and 4, and stressing that when they are teens I’ll be too sad to look back at photos from now because they aren’t little anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love them as they grow up and it’s nice to be able to do more, not worry about weaning and bottles and breastfeeding etc. We have a lot of fun and I’m teaching my 7 year old piano which he is enjoying etc. My 4 year old was and still is hard work a lot of the time and he is so much more fun than he was as a baby. I have my husband (he is 44 and I am 32) and I know we can do more as a couple but I feel like these are the best years and there will be nothing for me after. I am tired of crying all the time.

I just want to be happy again 😔

[BlueIris]

Hi Hopefulmi,

I'm sorry you're having such an awful time right now. Have you considered contacting your GP for a phone appointment to talk about this? Bear in mind, too, that you've only just re-increased your citalopram so it might take a little while for you to get your head back together again.

One thing I've learned over the years is that sooner or later, life always throws more fun stuff your way. I don't have kids, but I've gone through periods when I've wondered if working and sleeping is all there is to life. It passes, though, no matter how low you feel.

Will be thinking of you - feel free to message me for a chat.

[Hopefulmi]

Thanks for the reply. Yes I contacted my GP and I’m on the waiting list for CBT. Don’t want to increase from 20mg to 30mg in case it settles soon.

I know in my head I have a lot to look forward to as well. I just can’t imagine a time where they aren’t little kids and though it’s gradual and I love the people they turn into, it just keeps making me cry. I don’t want to be like this, I want to be able to just enjoy them and be happy ��

[BlueIris]

I wish I knew what to tell you here, but it's miles outside my life experience. Completely with you on the citalopram, though - I'm on 20mg, it's a lifeline but even in the middle of quite a bad depressive phase of my own I don't want to increase.

Be kind to yourself, and know how many of us are cheering you on.

[Hopefulmi]

Sorry you are also having a bad time BlueIris �� If you want to talk give me a shout x