Struggling right now, really need advice

[BrokenGirl]

Hi all,


I could really do with some advice. I'm not coping very well at the moment. I've been gradually getting worse over the past few weeks and today really was an all time low for me. Healthy anxiety is my biggest issue. There have been several things worrying me lately, and while most of them passed off in their own time, it's as if each one of them left me in a more anxious state than before I started it.
I'm due to check my breasts on Thursday, as I do every month, and I'm convinced I'll find something. I can't get that thought out of my head and my anxiety is out of control over it. And I think the lockdown is making it so much worse, not knowing if I can go to a doctor if I do find something or what would happen after that. I heard this morning that some cancer patients have had surgery postponed and that frightens the life out of me.


I don't know what to do anymore. My anxiety and thoughts are out of control and I'm feeling so drained from it all.


I lost my job recently and I know that is having an impact on my anxiety. Just working with people, talking to them about work stuff, or any other stuff, distracted me from my own thoughts. My HA definitely improved for the 2 years I had that job and now it seems as if everything is crumbling around me again. I'm really upset I lost my job, both from a mental health point of view and also financially.


I'm trying to get myself back on track but I feel I'm failing. I'm going for a walk every day, eating healthier, drinking water - baby steps I know. But even doing those things is turning into an uphill struggle.


I feel so miserable and scared and I really don't know where to go from here.
I want to just enjoy my life with my family but the constant fear is taking that away from me.


Has anyone ever felt this low but managed to pull themselves out of it?
I want to turn this around and come out the other end smiling. Any advice would be really really welcome!!


Thanks for reading.

[Cptdebbie]

Dear Broken Girl,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling so low. I am having a low right now too. I hate it. I have the same thing happened to me that is happening to you. I get fixated on worrying about something, and I can’t talk it away. My current woe is some white spots I saw in my vision last night. They last eat for no more than 4 seconds, but I can’t let it go.

This quarantine is Especially difficult for those of us with anxiety issues. Like you, the things that soothe, comfort, and distract me are not available.

I actually have been able to pull myself out of some really low places. Im sure you can too. Sometimes it feels like it’s impossible, but if you just hang on you can do it.

I am at high risk for breast cancer. Checking my breasts every month was super hard for me. I finally asked my doctor if there was an alternative. She told me that I could rotate my MRI and mammogram every six months and also have a clinical breast exam with each test. I took that option. I get super worried every six months when I have to go get things checked out, but I don’t have to get worried about it every month anymore. Maybe you could have the same discussion with your doctor?

I probably haven’t been any help. I do want you to know, though, that I’m really glad you posted. I also wanted you to know you’re not alone. There are others out here struggling too. You are doing everything you can right now to feel better. I said a prayer for you. And, I hope you get better soon.

Hugs

[BrokenGirl]

Thank you for your reply, and I'm sorry that you are high risk for breast cancer. That can't be easy!!
But what your doctor has done for you sounds like a good solution to your anxiety, getting a thorough check every 6 months is ideal and stops you from worrying sick every month.
I can't see that working for me though. We can't just ask for mammograms every 6 months because our anxiety is high - there has to be a valid reason for it, e.g. lump, high risk etc.

I really wish I could stop thinking like this. Everything is worst case scenario and I just know that there's no way I'll end up checking my breasts on Thursday and say everything is fine, I'm happy with that and then forget about it.
I don't know how I got to this point and I don't know how to fix it.

I'm so tired of being frightened and scared all the time and all this anxiety is not good for my health, which is worrying me even more.

Where do I try to start to fix this?

[Fishmanpa]

Where do I try to start to fix this?

Self help HERE and real life professional help there.

Positive thoughts

[BrokenGirl]

Self help HERE and real life professional help there.

Positive thoughts

Thank you Fishman, I had totally forgotten about those links. My anxiety is just so high that my thoughts are all over the place.
I just had a very quick glance at them and they definitely seem to be worth reading in detail.
I don't think real life help is an option for me at the moment. Financially I can't afford a therapist and the public waiting list is very long.
I have been thinking the past few days of going to my own doctor (that is if they are still seeing patients, which hopefully they are) and discussing medication. It's not something I want to do and I didn't have much luck with medication in the past, mostly due to the severe migraines they give me, but it might be worth discussing it with her and see what she thinks.


I'm heading out for a walk now and I'll get stuck into those links later on when I get back .


I really hope there is light at the end of this tunnel for me!

[Fishmanpa]

Thank you Fishman, I had totally forgotten about those links. My anxiety is just so high that my thoughts are all over the place.
I just had a very quick glance at them and they definitely seem to be worth reading in detail.
I don't think real life help is an option for me at the moment. Financially I can't afford a therapist and the public waiting list is very long.
I have been thinking the past few days of going to my own doctor (that is if they are still seeing patients, which hopefully they are) and discussing medication. It's not something I want to do and I didn't have much luck with medication in the past, mostly due to the severe migraines they give me, but it might be worth discussing it with her and see what she thinks.


I'm heading out for a walk now and I'll get stuck into those links later on when I get back .


I really hope there is light at the end of this tunnel for me!

There's also a worldwide crisis at the moment so real life help, both physically and mentally are severely hindered. That said, like many medical doctors are doing, mental health professionals and organizations have virtual sessions. Typically, virtual sessions are less than face to face visits and its worth checking out if any groups are virtually meeting via Zoom or the like.

My concern, based on your recent spiral, is the level of focus, dedication and self-accountability required to do the self-help. You've had a rough week for sure :( I actually used the course to help me with some of the "scanxiety" I was having after my cancer. It was very helpful and I still use some of the techniques to this day as they apply to every day stressful situations. The self-accountability is crucial IMO.

Try this.... Download the course. Dedicate yourself to devote time and effort into it. Look into virtual help and free groups as I mentioned. When the dragon starts breathing fire (and he will), create a MS Word doc and write in it as though you were posting here. Wait a few hours, focus on the self help, then go back and read what you wrote. I'll bet you'll have a different perspective and won't have to seek reassurance

Positive thoughts

[BrokenGirl]

I've started to work through those links.
They do make sense, and I can definitely relate to them, which is good.
But I know I won't have anywhere near enough work done for tomorrow's breast check.
I'm in such a state of panic - it's blown me away to be honest how bad I'm after getting.
How do I get through tomorrow's check? I'll keep working on those worksheets, and I'm confident that they will help me at least some bit going forward, but in the here and now I don't know what to do.


All I want now is to be able to get through tomorrow's check, be happy that everything is ok, and then I can concentrate on the worksheets and put my heart and soul into them.

[BrokenGirl]

I did my breast check this morning and I think everything was ok.
I still feel very on edge but I'm going to start working on those worksheets now.

There's just one thing that I'm wondering about. I checked them about an hour ago and I felt reasonably happy that everything was ok. I knew this is the best I would feel anyway. But I keep getting the urge to check them again. Just one more check, in case I missed something. I gave into the urge the first time, did a quick check and said to myself to stop - enough is enough.
But the urge to check them won't go away. I'm trying to fight it and hoping not to give into it any more. This sort of constant checking happens me all the time when my anxiety is high.
Is this some form of ocd or what is it?
It's such a strong urge that it feels as if I'm fighting with myself constantly now not to check again.

Any suggestions on what this urge is and how to deal with it?

[pav1984]

I'm sorry you feel bad. I know how you feel in terms of having to check one more time. I am terrible for setting a limit of how often I check something then having an urge to double check.

Ask yourself this. Did you give yourself a thorough check the first time? I can tell you now that you did because people with health anxiety dont check things by halves.

Have confidence in yourself. You checked, you were happy, distract yourself.

[BrokenGirl]

Ask yourself this. Did you give yourself a thorough check the first time? I can tell you now that you did because people with health anxiety dont check things by halves.

That's where the doubt comes in. I checked them as good as I would any 'normal' month, when my anxiety isn't high about it.
But my mind is telling me I should have checked them more thoroughly and that's where the urge to check them again comes in.
It's a vicious cycle. If I check them again now it will give me peace of mind for a small while and then the doubts will start creeping in again.
I'm refusing to check them though. I don't care if I have to put a padlock on my bra to stop me from doing it. I have to start kicking this anxiety in the butt!!!

I will try to distract myself but to be honest, that never worked for me when my ha is high.
I'll do something productive though, housework or whatever, just to show the anxiety that even though it's making me feel like crap right now I can still get something done in my life.