Unreality

[Lilith1980]

Hi all,

I dont know if this is going to sound stupid or if anyone can relate but just wanted to share.

My fiance and I were having a row recently and he said something like "I really think you live in your own world sometimes", which upset me but mainly because I know it to be true.

I can create whole "unrealities" of my present or future life and get so wrapped up and distressed by them that I get breathless and close to tears.

BUT.....the strange thing is that sometimes I take comfort in these unrealities and even though I realise that my mind is doing it, I let it carry on because in a way it helps me escape. From what, I dont know - maybe it helps take my mind off of the things I am really worried about.

Just thought I'd put that to the forum

[nanny]

Hi

Well i think you have hit the nail on the head

" it takes my mind of the things i worry about"

If it does that and it isn't causing you or anybody else any harm then try not to worry about it. Infact if it comforts you then it's a good thing isn't it???

[Lilith1980]

Hmm, I guess so but the realities I create aren't "right".

In another post I put about thinking about a guy at work and what it would be like to be with him as me and my fiance have had a rough patch. Dont get me wrong I would never be disloyal to my fiance but I guess these thoughts are just to make me feel a bit better about the rough time we've had.

But I dont think its right to create all these unrealities because in a way its stopping me from facing the problem. My fiance and I have talked about things but in my anxious head I still feel a bit unhappy so these unrealities help me cope but I shouldnt be using them to cope, should I?

[jill]

Hi

I can't see any reasons why we can't day dream, BUT, as long as what we are thinking is positive and encoureging us to move forward and what we are thinking helps us sort things out.

We all at times may look at another man and think, mmmm, very nice, BUT, again, if we play around with this thought far to much, this dose not help, it may cause are anxious minds to feel quilt for thinking like this, so we are on a roundabout, going round and round, do you know what I mean?

You have allready said yourself, you don't think its right, what you have to ask yourself IS, what is right, WHAT problems are you blockiing out and not facing? Only, YOU, know the answers to this hun.

In short tearm, I feel that for me, there was no harm in these types of thoughts, BUT, in long tearm they are no good. when I was acute, I did do these types of thoughts, BUT, now I try dame hard to be more positive with my thoughts by NOT, making thoughts up in my head that I know I don't want, eg, the guy at work. The fact that this thought came in at a time when your relationship was a little rocky, this is the time your partner NEEDS to reasure you more.

I have talked to my hubby many, many times about thoughts like these, when my relationship went a little rocky, (oopps rocky is an understatment LOL) he will never understand, BUT, for me, its a matter of learning to like myself for who I am and to like the life that I live, if I can't change things, then I need to change my way of thinking about some things in my life.

You say "should you be using this to cope", ask yourself this, how long have you been doing this? is it helping? does it make you feel better.

We are tought to find things that distract us and the most powerfull thing we have to do this is our minds, our thoughts are very powerfull it can make us feel sad, it can make us feel happy, is your thoughts making you feel happy, if not, then, this coping skill is not working, your thoughts are far to negative.

Our thoughts and coping skills have to be alot more positive and reasuring one's, happy thoughts, ones that make you smile, one's that you know you want, look more to where you want to be in the future, one's that give you a better feeling.

We all take comfort in our thoughts, we make things up, we all do it, hay I've won the lotto lots of times LOL, I can't see any harm in that, BUT, if the thoughs are making you feel unhappy, these types on thoughts only feed our anxiety because we may start to question, WHY, we need thoughts that don't have a question mark in them, one that we can really see ourselves doing in the future, ohh do you know what I mean, not that good at explaining things LOL

Not sure if I've been of any help at all, but I do know what you mean, Some of my thoughts I am far to ashamed to mention, but these thoughts at that time where fueled by my high anxiety and there only thouhts AND thoughts can be changed, with alot of hard work and time.

You take care

LOVE JILLXX

[Lilith1980]

Thank you so much for your reply Jill, brought me to tears, ina good way :-)

I know that the reason behind my anxiety is because I have little self-esteem and half the time I am convinced that my fiance doesn't love me, doesnt care about me.

The fact he has been so busy lately and I have felt left out has brought about more intrusive thoughts about him not loving me or caring.

One of my "coping" thoughts was of our wedding day and him ditching me at the alter because he had been seeing someone else and this guy at work being there and getting me through it. So I think the thoughts of this guy are kind of like a cushion "well if my fiance doesnt want me there is always the guy at work" which isnt logical anyway cos nothing has happened between me and this guy. I think it could have been any guy, it wouldnt have mattered, I guess it was just someone paying me some attention. I guess I am trying to escape from the negativity I have of myself and of how I think my fiance feels about me.

We sat down the other night after having a massive row because I thought he didnt want to marry me because he had shown little or no interest in the wedding plans. He said he couldnt care about the flowers we had, or even the photos, or all the frills. The most important thing to him is that he marries ME and we both cried.

When I think of things like this I fill up with so much love for him and even more self-hate because I doubt him so much and I feel he deserves better. So then the cycle continues....

I dont like these "coping" thoughts, however much they appear to comfort me I end up feeling guilty so I will start trying to block them out or not give them any importance. I read a CBT book that said any intrusive thoughts, I should let them "wash over me", dont try to block them but dont give them any precedence.

I was nearly in tears at work the other day because it suddenly dawned on me that half the time I dont know what is real and what isnt in my life and that scared me and made me feel so ashamed and pathetic.

I am hoping I get my cousellor soon, should be after xmas, I want to end all this anxiety. I want to at least be able to control my anxiety and learn to love myself more before we get married. I think getting engaged spurred me to ask for a counsellor because I want to be happy, its not that I am unhappy with my fiance, I am unhappy with me but its projecting into other areas of my life.

Sorry for the ramble, it helps me to get all this down and helps me understand better. Thank you xxxx

[jill]

Hi Lilith

Mmmmm, I think good tears are just fine, what I always say is, its good to have a good cry, it sets off the calming hormones but what I always say too, IS, find out why you are crying, look dame hard, try to focus on positive pathways forward, for me, this was very important.

I hope you don't mind me saying, it sounds like you and your partner are soo much in love, ohh boy, this gives me goose bumps and makes me feel, soo happy for you both

I know its dame hard for you right now, but you have to stop beating yourself up about these thoughts, as you allready know, everytime you beat yourself up about the thoughts you feed your anxiety. Its good that your reading a book on CBT. I know for myself when dealing with my panic, high anxiety, by me not putting to more importance on them it did help, but it takes alot of hard work and time to learn this.

***I know that the reason behind my anxiety is because I have little self-esteem**

Hun, is this not a place to start, working on your self asteem, there is some info on this site and lots more on the net, I have read lots of stuff on this. I suffer low self asteem and lack ohh a hell of alot of confidance, ohh boy, working on this all the time, but trying to learn things for myself. I have moved forward with things, but some things not, but hope to get there in the end.

**and half the time I am convinced that my fiance doesn't love me, doesnt care about me.**

I had this problem at one time, but for a hole lot of other reasons, I don't want to go into that one on the forums, but what I will say is, if this site had not tought me things, I would not be with my partner today and I TOLD HIM that. I owe this site alot. With this problem I had to change my thought pattens on it, my hubby does not were his heart on his sleeve, so, changing my thought pattens was NOT easy.


**I was nearly in tears at work the other day because it suddenly dawned on me that half the time I dont know what is real and what isnt in my life and that scared me and made me feel so ashamed and pathetic**

Ohhh hun this is Mrs anxiety talking, pay not attention, of course you know what is real and what is not, this is just Mrs anxiety trying to scare you, Please DON'T let her do that to you.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed off and you ARE NOT pathetic, at this present moment in time and I mean, just at this time, you have an emotional, illness, an illness that you CAN learn in time to get over. You have made a diccission to see someone to help and thats great. WELL DONE. This to me IS moving forward, you must see this as a positive.

What you have to understand too, that its not all your fault, men can be very strange, they do think we know things and there are things they should say and don't, they just think we know. Of course he's intrested in the wedding, BUT, he just thought you new that. Have you heard the saying, IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING, mmmm, but sometimes us women NEED to be told now and again, ohh do you know what I mean.

Your partner just thought that you wanted to do all the planning, do you think that?, some men are not good at that type of thing.Its us women who love that type of thing, (mmm and some men, got to put that in, there's men on here LOL) As, he has allready said, he just wants you, ohh boy, goose bumps again LOL thats lovely

Ohh sorry, I'm woffling

We are all here for you hun, please don't think you are alone. Don't say sorry for the ramble, if it helps you ramble I find that writing things down helps lots too. For me, I had a great freind on here who I talked to alot, via pm, ohh boy, did she help when I had probs with hubby

You take care hun, one day, you will be free of this, please try and see this, the positive thoughts of being free of this in the future is important too.

LOVE JILLXX