Goodness me. I am so fed up with all this. It's getting to the point where i am seriously thinking "What IS the point?". I'm exhausted, i have the awful fainty feeling whenever i go out. I don't know about anyone else, but my faintness always starts in my stomach, just like it did when i blacked out when all this crap started nine years ago.
I am also getting way too much anticipatory anxiety. I am ALREADY panicking about grocery shopping tomorrow afternoon. I keep thinking all the negative things i shouldn't be thinking, but just cannot stop them. Its my sons 9th birthday next Saturday and i haven't got him a present because i can't get out anywhere to get him one. How crap am i? I am such a bad mother. I don't deserve to be here wasting my life and i'm not able to enhance my sons and do things that normal mothers do. I can't give him a party this year because i couldn't stand all the children in my house. My illness is beginning to effect him. When i was really bad before he was just a baby so it didn't really matter - but now...it does and i hate myself for it.
I hate my life. I hate this panic crap. I hate everything. I hate feeling anxious. I hate worrying all the time. I hate the aches and pains i constantly have. I just don't ever see a way out anymore. I hate the thought that this is my life.