Hi I’m currently feeling really tormented by my own brain. I’ve struggled with themes before (TOCD/HOCD/fear I was secretly a murderer/ROCD/fear of supernatural/ Harm OCD

Then everything went quiet until
Recently.

I’ve been with my fiancé for 13 years we’ve had to move our wedding to next year. We have joint friends and also I have a few online friends with the same interests (fandom/celebrity) and I’ve got a great friend on tumblr and we chat all things relating to that fandom. Including fanart, fic, discussion on celeb crushs. I keep that on the downlow as a separate interest from my real life with my fiancé. He knows I like the fandom, have a friend on there and that I occasionally write but other then that he’s not interested.

My mind one day went into “you are having an emotional affair.” And I freaked out big time. I felt sick, cried and couldn’t sleep. I googled compulsively. I have not sexual attraction to my tumblr friend. She’s kool and we get on well. It’s nothing like what I have with my fiancé. So you’d think my brain would be fine with that?

No. It latched onto the fact I write fanfic (some of it is..... racy.) but I became convinced that that was cheating on my fiancé. And that my friend proof reads my stuff makes me convinced that I’m having an affair with her which I’m not. I’m just secretive about being a fan girl. I write this now but right now my mind is screaming at me. Convincing me that I’m bad and wrong and that I must be having an affair.

At one point I had groinal responses but they have stopped. I admitted to my fiance what’s going on in my head and he said he doesn’t care and to stop worrying.

I can’t stop tho.
What’s the matter with me?
I’d never do anything to hurt my fiancé I love him.