Hi Iím currently feeling really tormented by my own brain. Iíve struggled with themes before (TOCD/HOCD/fear I was secretly a murderer/ROCD/fear of supernatural/ Harm OCD

Then everything went quiet until

Iíve been with my fiancť for 13 years weíve had to move our wedding to next year. We have joint friends and also I have a few online friends with the same interests (fandom/celebrity) and Iíve got a great friend on tumblr and we chat all things relating to that fandom. Including fanart, fic, discussion on celeb crushs. I keep that on the downlow as a separate interest from my real life with my fiancť. He knows I like the fandom, have a friend on there and that I occasionally write but other then that heís not interested.

My mind one day went into ďyou are having an emotional affair.Ē And I freaked out big time. I felt sick, cried and couldnít sleep. I googled compulsively. I have not sexual attraction to my tumblr friend. Sheís kool and we get on well. Itís nothing like what I have with my fiancť. So youíd think my brain would be fine with that?

No. It latched onto the fact I write fanfic (some of it is..... racy.) but I became convinced that that was cheating on my fiancť. And that my friend proof reads my stuff makes me convinced that Iím having an affair with her which Iím not. Iím just secretive about being a fan girl. I write this now but right now my mind is screaming at me. Convincing me that Iím bad and wrong and that I must be having an affair.

At one point I had groinal responses but they have stopped. I admitted to my fiance whatís going on in my head and he said he doesnít care and to stop worrying.

I canít stop tho.
Whatís the matter with me?
Iíd never do anything to hurt my fiancť I love him.