Constantly in an anxious state!

[SnowyGreen]

Thanks so much for your response Snowy.
I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been for you and your son when he got the diagnosis.
All any of us want is the best for our children, no matter what age they are.
I'm so glad that you've both accepted it and have gotten used to it. The fact that you can have a joke about it shows that you definitely have the right attitude. That's exactly what you and your son need, and having an attitude like that is what will get you both through it.
I don't know if I'm as strong as you are though. Your son was diagnosed 3 years ago and in that time you've gotten used to it. My son is 19 now, so I don't think I'll ever be ok with it, or him either. He's at an age now where looks are so important, and I know that his confidence is shattered over this.
Can I do anything about it? No. Can I help him in any way? I wish I could but I don't know how.
I really feel so helpless at times, especially when he mentions it.
Life really isn't fair - it can be so cruel at times!

My son was 19 when first diagnosed too. It was life threatening, he had to have blood transfusions to live, and for the rest of his life he will be having infusions and scopes... he couldn't leave the house for a couple of years, and still to this day he rarely leaves the house, unless it is with me. One day he might need a bag to shit in, as his ulcerative colitis is so severe. He literally was only shitting blood. He has already been hospitalised numerous times for this. He takes drugs that may give him blood cancer, which has shown to be 100% fatal in young men of his age. It is heartbreaking, but your son is alive and well, and he will get through this, and so will you... you simply have no other choice.

[BrokenGirl]

My son was 19 when first diagnosed too. It was life threatening, he had to have blood transfusions to live, and for the rest of his life he will be having infusions and scopes... he couldn't leave the house for a couple of years, and still to this day he rarely leaves the house, unless it is with me. One day he might need a bag to shit in, as his ulcerative colitis is so severe. He literally was only shitting blood. He has already been hospitalised numerous times for this. He takes drugs that may give him blood cancer, which has shown to be 100% fatal in young men of his age. It is heartbreaking, but your son is alive and well, and he will get through this, and so will you... you simply have no other choice.

I had no idea it was so serious with your son, it definitely puts things into perspective!!
I know what my son has isn't life threatening, and I am so thankful for that, but maybe it's the fact that I feel so helpless is what makes it difficult.
It's not something he's ever going to be ok with, or something that won't p**s him off at times - he's had it for 19 years now and it still gets him down at times.
I understand what you're saying, he can't let something like this hold him back. And I know he shouldn't. But it's just so hard when it shatters his confidence. He's a quiet, shy person by nature anyway so having a ptosis on his eye just makes what should be normal situations much more difficult for him.
But thank you for sharing your story with me Snowy. It can't have been easy to get your head around his diagnosis, but it sounds as if you've found the strength to accept it and move on. And I have to admire you for that.
Life really can be cruel and unfair. But what choice do any of us have but to accept what's been put in front of us and carry on as best we can!

[SnowyGreen]

Indeed, that's all we can do. Your son may be ok with it one day. Look at Forest Whitaker Full and great life, even with a droopy eye. There's always hope. All the best

[BrokenGirl]

I'm not even sure why I'm posting but sometimes it helps to write it down, and of course if there's any chance of reassurance then that's good too. People say we shouldn't seek reassurance, and maybe we shouldn't, maybe it keeps us in the spiral, but there are times when you just need to hear those reassuring words, and it often helps me see things a bit more logically too.


It's one thing after another, and I've nearly come to accept that that's how I am for now. So my current worry is anal cancer.
The last few days, when I was wiping after a bowel movement, I thought I felt something down there, just at the opening. Some sort of lump or bump. But I'm in such a bad spiral lately that I don't know anymore what I always felt like there. That's one thing that HA does to me - it makes me forget and question what is normal for me. It's not a hard lump, and quite possible it's just a pile. I had them years ago, pretty bad both times when I was pregnant, but I've had no bother from them in a long time.
I have no other symptoms, no bleeding, no constipation or pain. And as far as I know anal cancer is not very common, but I'm still worried.
I'm trying to rationalise, use what few tools I have, but nothings working. I feel like giving up at this stage.
I'm tired of being worried constantly. I don't know how or where this worry is going to end.
There's a voice telling me I don't need to go running to the doctor but I just don't know what to do.
Sorry for going on a bit, but I don't know where else to turn to.

[BrokenGirl]

I really hope somebody replies to this because I need some sense talked into me.


I gave my breasts their monthly check this morning and of course found a lump, quite large. I knew it would happen. I'm dreading this every month now. I really think my breasts change from month to month, so it's very difficult to know what's normal for me.
Normally if you feel a lump, the advice would be to go to the doctor. But, I had a mammogram 6 weeks ago, got the all clear. A young doctor gave me a quick breast exam just before the mammogram. So logically I'm thinking there can't be anything sinister there after just 6 weeks. But the anxiety won't go away.
I'm at a loss, I don't know what to do anymore. This is eating me up with worry again but there's no way I can go to the doctor after 6 weeks. What is wrong with me?

[pulisa]

You can answer that one for yourself. It's why you're posting on the HA board. Why is it eating you up with worry? You had a mammogram 6 weeks ago and had the all clear. You are one of the lucky ones. You may just have lumpy breasts but you've had the all clear.

[BrokenGirl]

You can answer that one for yourself. It's why you're posting on the HA board. Why is it eating you up with worry? You had a mammogram 6 weeks ago and had the all clear. You are one of the lucky ones. You may just have lumpy breasts but you've had the all clear.

Thank you for replying, and everything you have said makes sense.
I'm disgusted with myself, and even ashamed, that I'm feeling this way, but the worry just won't let up. I can't shake it off and I'm so scared now I'm not going to ever break free from this horrible cycle.
Checking my breasts every month has been something I've been getting more and more scared of, and if this is how I am 6 weeks after a mammogram, I don't know if there's any hope for me anymore.

[BrokenGirl]

Still worried about that breast lump. I know it sounds crazy to some people but I can't help it atm.
Even panicking about my daughter now. She wanted to dye her hair blue (she has a box of blue hair due). I put the dye in her hair, was careful to keep it away from her scalp but am now worried she'll get some in her eyes when she's rinsing it. I told her several times to be careful of this and she said she will.
Everything is a panic and a worry. I've never known anything like this in my life.


I decided this morning to keep a kind of diary of my worries. On the left hand side of a page I'm writing down my worry and how it's making me feel. Then on the right hand side I'm writing down any positive thoughts that come to mind about it - this could be why I think I shouldn't be so concerned about it, any thought or fact that will question the anxious thought, what are the other possibilities it could be or could happen that are not so serious, anything at all really. I've never tried anything like this before so I'm not sure what to expect from it.
Has anyone tried anything similar? And what were your thoughts on it? Did it help in any way?

[BrokenGirl]

Sorry for going on here, I know I'm probably driving people crazy when they see another post from me.
I can't let go of the fear of this lump in my breast. It's quite large and I don't know how I never spotted it before.
Yesterday evening a random thought just came into my head (that's happening a lot lately). What if it's a cancerous lymph node?
I don't know much about lymph nodes, what makes them cancerous? Is it a tumor growing in them?
And I don't want to know too much about them, but what I'd like to know here is would a cancerous lymph node show up on a mammogram?

[BrokenGirl]

Why is it that every time I think I'm improving a little bit I get knocked back again.
My 2 biggest worries at the moment are breast and anal cancer. I seem to be going from one to the other, and I know it sounds crazy but while I'm worried about each of them it eats me up.
I was making a small bit of progress over the last few days, challenging my thoughts, and I'm also keeping a diary of my worries, which kind of helps writing it all down, but after my bowel movement this morning I'm in a panic again.
I don't know why but I wanted to give a good feel around down there to make sure there was nothing worrying there but of course I could feel something. I put my finger in ever so slightly (sorry I know that sounds gross) and don't know if what I'm feeling is a bit of stool, a pile or something else.
I don't know what I should feel like there so I'm in a state of panic now. I was hoping everything would just be soft and smooth and nothing sticking out anywhere, but that never happens me.
How do I talk myself down out of this one? There's a voice in my head telling me I cannot go running to the doctor about this, I know I can't, but the chemicals and anxiety running through me are telling me something else. I wish I could turn back the clock and not check it this morning, why did I do it