Hi,

So I wrote on here around 5 years ago now, I was in a bad place due to overthinking and allowing power to negative intrusive thoughts. I was over it, I could see a future with my wonderful boyfriend, I was doing really well with running my business and feeling mostly content. However, I am now lower than I have ever been before... I never feel like myself, well haven’t done for over a month now. I know exactly why, it is somewhat self-inflicted by overthinking and making things into things they didn’t need to be. I’ve really messed up, it’s like my brain has been taken over by a million annoying and horrendous monsters. I just want to be asleep but I can’t find any peace at all, I can’t tell myself that I’m ok anymore. I’ve had bad physical symptoms...dissociation, teeth chattering, muscle spasms etc. Am taking 100mg sertraline and also quetiapine. It will sound hypocritical I know but I am usually the first to help people and would always say there’s never no hope, but I really am quite certain there’s no hope for me now. You’ll be thinking there is and everyone will try and help me (as I would if reversed). It’s so complicated in my mind now but the ‘nature of the beast’ is just bizarre, absurd and obscene really. I know all the ‘answers’ but I am in such a weird headspace.... everyone is being so kind to me but I honestly don’t deserve it at all. I am being an utterly awful person. I am not seeking reassurance or sympathy, although it may sound it. I’m not sure how I sound anymore, I just really don’t feel like myself anymore and it’s so hard to explain properly. I am intelligent...I know myself well (I am too self aware). My thinking is so messed up, I can’t live with myself. I can’t stop this now, I guess I must just give it some time and keep taking the medication. The mind is a powerful thing, and I am so frustrated as I had gotten to a place where I was much more positive and optimistic about the future and then BOOM. It’s really bad, not an exaggeration. It sounds dramatic, silly and weird but it’s debilitating and I know that nothing anyone can say will help. What’s become of me 😭 I’m just writing this to vent a little really, maybe I’ll get better, maybe I won’t. Sorry, I know it’s depressing. Thanks for reading, I hope you are all ok. I feel like a freak.