Scared I’m a pedo?

[dancerja77]

I have dealt with anxiety and fear of the past for a while. I will be absolutely fine for months and then I will remember something that I thought I was over. I have a constant fear that I've either touched or hurt children in my past. I 100 percent know this isn't true, I am a 23 year old girl, and studying to be a teacher. I love children and my anxiety and OCD is about fear if hurting them. The one thing that is bugging me is that I feel like when my brother was like very young.. 3 or 4? I may have abused him in some way. I would have been around 12..? I remember being in the hot tub and him sitting on my lap. I feel like I may have rubbed myself on him? and I have no clue why I would do this. I know I can't judge myself now for my childhood, and I never wanted to hurt him. Im worried that something else happened that I can't remember. what if I touched him or something and can't remember? I am racking my brain trying to figure this out and my brain tells me to let it go, because I was a child and I didn't want to hurt him, and my anxiety tells me I am a disgusting monster who deserves to die. He's 14 now and I am almost uncomfortable to be around him because I am afraid that I hurt him. I don't know what to do. I feel like I could vomit.

[Fishmanpa]

I 100 percent know this isn't true

Positive thoughts

[ankietyjoe]

This has got nothing to do with being a paedophile.

When you're that age you experience sexual feelings without having any clue what they mean. You 'rubbing' yourself on him at that age is no different than rubbing an itchy arm against a rough tree. It's just stimulus/response.

You can't waste your time wondering IF there was something you did that you can't remember.

Good luck with the teaching career, you'll be fine

[Lencoboy]

This has got nothing to do with being a paedophile.

When you're that age you experience sexual feelings without having any clue what they mean. You 'rubbing' yourself on him at that age is no different than rubbing an itchy arm against a rough tree. It's just stimulus/response.

You can't waste your time wondering IF there was something you did that you can't remember.

Good luck with the teaching career, you'll be fine

I agree with you there. Younger kids aren't generally aware of implications concerning sexual behaviours, and many often unwittingly pleasure themselves in an innocuous manner simply because it feels nice, unaware of privacy rules that most kids above the age of about 6 or so would generally start to become more aware of.

If it were kids older than 12 indulging in such practices (especially older males on younger females) then that might be an entirely different matter.

In the OP's case I don't think she caused any real lasting harm.