I wish I were stronger. I hate that I give in to my anxiety. I've had some pains so I went to my gyn and he said everything looked and felt fine but took a biopsy (he knows I worry because I've had spotting and my mother died of uterine cancer) and stomach pains. He also ordered a sonogram. So as I wait for the biopsy results and the sonogram, I'm sitting here crying and upset, thinking doom is waiting for me. I'm a single mom of two kids. And while I lost both parents in the past few years and got divorced (good riddance, I got the house and everything I wanted) I have a pretty great life. Great friends and family. I miss my parents but they were wonderful and I accept that they were called home. but i do feel like if anything happens to me my kids' lives would be ruined. while ive made sure that they would be taken care of financially and know my brother and cousin would take care of them, I can't stop dwelling on death. That every test result could mean the end. I hate that I can't just live and smile and be happy and stop worrying. That i'm now bent over the computer crying. My dr just told me he's thinks I'm fine but he can't see microscopic cells that could be sinister and although my ovaries felt okay, who knows that sonogram would show up. I wish I could just think about the abdominal pelvic ct scan that was normal in feb but no, i'm thinking that something could have grown in the interim. my new therapist heard my fears and said that he wants to help me with my anxiety because its sad that i live with a sense of doom. it's also that if something is wrong with me, I don't have anyone to go to treatment with. my friends have spouses and while a few have battled cancer bravely they've had spouses to go to them to treatment. Again, I'm ashamed that i'm having these negative thoughts and cant just tell myself, what is to be will be, whatever God throws at me I can go, and go enjoy a game of scattergories with my kids. Thanks for listening.
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