im now at breakin point completely.
recently ive had another bout of insomnia. this almost destroyed me when i was in 6th form, and i think now it is trying to finish me off.
recently ive been constantly weak and shaky and felt awful.
last night i finally felt tired and got to sleep earlier than usual (about 3amish by my reckoning). see i cant go to sleep til everyone else has gone to bed as i stay in my parents living room now. finally it seems i was going to catch up on sleep.
NO. was woken at 8am by my brother and my dad arguing. why they felt the need to do it in the living room ill never know, but apparently they didnt want to wake anyone else up!!!
so after an hour they went out. after crawling upstairs (yes actually crawling) i got to my brothers room and thought i could sleep there. WRONG. the shower then bursts into life and everyone is up, birds singing through the windows. still i persisted, only to drop off and have a terrible nightmare hich i couldnt get out of my head.
how is this affecting me. well, i dont have the energy to eat, i have constant headaches, my eyes sting, although im usd to it they are now watering constantly. i cant even keep my grip on a cup. im so weak i cant do anything except lie here, im shaking all over, i cant focus on things, can live my life at all. i have to type this hnging off the bed although its a struggle to actually hold my hands and arms up to typ.
amazing. even though my parents say i need more sleep they dont care at all about having a go at me last hing at night so i cant sleep, or coming in in the morning and turning the tv on loud which is right by my head. this really is making me fall the pieces, i makes my panic and anxiety worse, i cant remember things, i cant concentrate, i cant talk properly, im getting muddleed. bloody samatirtans are a waste if time too. they make me feel like im wastng their time by having the cheek to ring them.
arent parents supposed to help their children when theyre like this.
ive had anxiety, been depressed, not wored for ver a year, got some bitch of an ex who dumped me because of my panic attacks and wont let e see my sons, lost my house, lost my friends, have crippling debts, spend all day feeling like crap because i cant rest properly.]
and all i need is proper sleep. it usually takes me several hours to get to sleep and finally i gt some and i get woken up. as if being told this is my fault everyday, and that i have to pull myself togeether isnt bad enough. my head feels like its stuffed with cotton wool and needles, my eyes feel like theyre covered ni acid.
and all i get is peoples 'advice' usually about seeing a solicitor (as clearly id never thought of that). everyday is a nightmare, im losing my life, im losing my mind (yes really, cos of lack of sleep, not panic), i even forgot my sons name the other day. iv been talkig to people on msn and even have to look to see what their names are again. ive lost even more weight cos of all the cortisol my bodys producing ccos of this. im having horrible gut problems from lack off proper rest, my appetite has plummeted, i look like some homeless drug addict. eve more grey hairs are appearing. i feelsick, dizzy, cant balance, becoming more neurotic abut everything, worry about my sanity when i have the energy. i try to help people who just seem to throw everything back in my face and take advantage. i try to talk about my fears to my family and how i feel and get had a go at. always told how this affects them whilst noone really cares about how its affected me. im nly 25 done so much befoe and now my life has fallen apart.
i dont want advice. i dont want empty promises. i dont want people to suggest things which ive already thought of over and over again, or to bee patronised about this is what i should do. i get enough of that at home.
all i want to know is that someone at least cares. thats all. cos i really dont believe anyone actually gives a shit about me
even my son doesnt know who i am through no fault of my own.thats about as much heartach as anyone can take i guess. thn i start to care about other people and that ges tits up too. been used by people. my friends all got selfish and aviod mecos they think im a waste of space being like this so do my family. i get shouted at for having panic attacks and made to feel like crap. i hought id found someone i was close to an couple of times, and it turns out they were just using me. im now a wreck. im nothing compared to what i was. everyone tells me it gets better but its only getting worse.
lack of sleep nightmres, noone around me, debts, no kids, nothing to look forward to, nothing to do wih myself (couldnt even if i wanted to like this anyway).
i dont know how this could happen to me. when i was younger i was amazed by everything and excited about life and things i could do. i wanted to look forward to verything like all kids do. and all ive ever been able o do is be worn don by people time and time again. im fed up with peoples crap. all i need know is that someone cares, cos thats the only thing that keeps me going now. and that just makes me feel like im guilt tripping people anyway.
i really cant go on like this. i have an apppointment tomorrow which i dont think ill be able tto got o. ill just waste their time as i cant even answer questions. i think im writing all this on autopilot.
please no crappy avice. does anyone actually care about me out there
i dont know whats wrong with me, i just want some one to cuddle me and tell me everythings ok and they care about me
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Lozzie xxxx 
DONT WORRY BE HAPPY
