When I was 18 one day I randomly got a really horrible thought about a very disturbing issue (I can't actually ever type out what it is because it disturbs me so much) and from that day on everything changed, it basically ruined a lot of my mental health and at the time I couldn't function with it and I had lots of thoughts of suicide. Over the years I've learned to cope with it because I've learned that the fact is,that I don't actually think it, and my brain just absolutely loves to do this to me as multiple obsessions have come after on topics that are equally as disturbing but this has seem to have been the 'big' one that has consumed a lot of my life over the past 5 years but as I said, it kind of became a background thing for at least the last 4 years, like I've always had moments where I lie in bed and think about the fact that it'll always be something that happened and I'll never be able to forget that it was even a thing that was such a big part of my life but I could cope with it and it was quite rare that I'd even think about it and could go a good portion of time without even thinking about it.

But recently in like, the last week it's all of a sudden been something I'm struggling to stop thinking about and as we all know and from my experience with it, the more you try to stop thinking about it, the worse it gets. It's become to the point where it's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and I absolutely hate it because that's the worst part in my opinion, as I started using sleep as a method of escaping from it only to be hit with it as soon as I woke up. It was a really horrible time of my life and I really don't want to revisit it. I thought it was a thing I was passed. I'd accepted that it's always gonna be there, I'm always gonna have random disturbing thoughts and images floating around my mind but I could cope ya know and even was able to laugh at the thoughts popping up into my head as ridiculous. I just do not want to go back to when it first came about 5 years ago where I wanted to actually die because of it.

I dunno what to do. I don't think I can handle a second wave of this thing so many years later.