Bad day on the back of a bad quarter

[mark212312]

Hi All

Hope you are all safe and well

Had HA for over twenty year (I’m 38) and have had numerous bouts of 'concerns' over the years the point I kind of live with it and know that I’m like this but at times it will get to me like the last few weeks.

So;

twenty years ago I had my first bloody BM went to the doctor got a DRE and he diagnosed an internal pile and since then I’ve had maybe one to three bloody BM's a year always a bright red streak in a single line on the poop and paper which the Dr said was a classic sign and not to worry. About 6 months later found what I thought was a 'lump' on one of my testicles and again trotted off to the doctor to be told he couldn’t feel anything abnormal at all; this got me worried about my own sanity and I kind of put it to the back of my mind - fast forward probably about 6 years and I started having back pains and bubbles in the toilet pan when peeing - spoke with Dr Google this time (I know!!) and my mind jumped to Kidney Cancer, pain passed and with plenty of water my waterworks returned to normal.

We had kids and for the better part of eight years I had other things to worry about so no HA issues and I thought I had cracked it until last year and it hasn’t stopped since - last June my face felt heavy and sagging Dr Google again and MND came up which terrified me I was taking selfies every day to look at my face for symmetry, checking my speech patterns, looking for atrophy at the same time I had to change Dr as mine had retired went in for a check-up and my BP was 150/85 and HR of 110 I told them I’m scared of tests and Dr's and my normal BP at home is more like 127/85 and HR of 70. I've obsessed on this for the last year and finally just before lockdown I'd put it to bed; then lockdown and I’ve been able to sit looking, inspecting, researching and drinking far to much blah blah and since March I've self-diagnosed throat cancer, skin cancer, sinus cancer, pancreatic cancer MND and bowel cancer - all with a very real symptom but much more easily explained my head just doesn’t seem to want to register it...pancreatic cancer was from indigestion and wind pain after a very large curry and a bottle and a half of wine at 10pm, two days of deflatine and it was gone but a pale brown BM for three days followed so a trip to the Dr and an exam gave no concerns, MND was actually from a strained tricep after the online HIIT classes, Skin cancer is a mole I've had that hasn’t changed for a t least 4 years, throat cancer is from a filling that rubs on my cheek and bowel cancer was from my piles oozing (no blood) which I've had for the whole time I've had them and the fact i'm terrified.

I'm sick of my guts churning all the time through worry, I’m terrified of doctors and tests and when I spoke with a CBT therapist I argued with them to the point that they said to come back when I wanted to stop being so negative - I just don't know how to.....I know that if I had a blood test today or a diagnosis today that doesn’t mean I won’t get something else tomorrow and in this lies the issue I'm always looking for the problems then finding proof of terrible disease, I look at stats and posts on sites like this and know they are all classic signs of HA; why can't I accept that I may be having symptoms of the thing I've got instead of coming up with every reason to say 'well it could have changed' even when none of the symptoms actually have. I know that when I push prod and self-test it will make an area sore, yet the discomfort is confirmation of the problem I am looking for and I go into the circle of self-fulfilling prophecy.

I get the symptoms of the things I read about and can't watch shows or interviews on TV that my mind may link to, look every day for jaundice, throat issues, mole changes....its just endless; I need to accept sh** will just happen and live each day as it comes but I can't get beyond the worry of whats around the next corner!

I know this is a long post and thank you to anyone who reads it - perhaps if it resonates with anyone you can let me know how you cope and perhaps what you do to relax the mind.

Thanks in advance guys.

Mark

[BlueIris]

Hi Mark,

Have you considered medication? It sounds as though you're in a position where it might give you the breathing space you need to work on some coping strategies.

[mark212312]

A friend of mine is on some sort of meds for his but I hate popping pills (I only take one paracetamol instead of two etc) because I fear getting hooked on them too

[BlueIris]

The vast majority of antidepressants really don't work like that. It's definitely worth going to your GP for a chat about your anxiety, in any case.

[mark212312]

Thanks - I know it’s long over due; I’m a coward when it comes to health and I’m almost shaking when I go in the place - I can’t sit I just pace up and down and feel the urge to pee haha. First thing the doctor said to me a couple of weeks ago was how healthy I looked 🤣

[pav1984]

I can only speak of my experience with antidepressants but I often forget to take them if my routine changes. That wouldn't happen if I were hooked

[BrightPhoenix]

I take antidepressants as well. I agree with the other folks here, I share your pain and I'm also about your age and gender. If you were going to CBT and the therapist suggested you need to be "ready" then you may need to see a psychiatrist who will help you get on something to control your anxiety. There's a variety of medicine that aren't the type that you see on TV with people getting addicted (You are probably thinking of benzos)

It's a matter of getting your brain to stop sending those receptors that make you think the worst whenever you have a little pain here or there.

[mark212312]

To all the Brits - at what point would you hit 111; I've convinced myself that I have pancreatic cancer; pain in my chest under ribs worse when I eat, Yellow/Tan BM for the last three days and belching... I rang the doctor last week and have an appointment for next Friday to do a full physical and blood work but I can't get that far I've had a panic attack this morning and slowly trying to calm down all day I feel I need someone to test me now because i'll have a heart attack if I don't. is A&E the best step forward and will they do the tests I need to either confirm my symptoms or calm the **** down. I know I have HA as the post above clearly shows but that doesnt mean I cant still get sick and thats what I cant get out of my mind; i'm just waiting to turn yellow or pass a clay coloured BM and its driving me round the bend.

[mark212312]

Ashamed to admit this but I let HA get the better of me and ended up in A&E last night - full blood works/urine etc and I was diagnosed with Gastritis and or Gallbladder inflimation (also told me to keep an eye on my BP, Kidneys and Liver). Positive is I can now spend the appointment next week talking about HA coping strategies rather than more bloodwork.

[mark212312]

Hi guys

Anyone who has read my last few posts will have an idea of what my HA hang ups are and the hole i'm right at the bottom of now re my PC fears, but I wanted to share with you a few pointa the Dr made in A&E on Wednesday and i'm sure anyone who has this fear will have read up and down this forum and Google and wondered if we could share some sanity checks we have learned along the way - by no means should anyone self diagnose but if we put our heads together perhaps people would be calmer about getting checked out and the rection to the bodily functions that have sent them on the road?

1. Pale BM; I specifically asked him about this as its the symptom that got me started like many on here over the years and he said they worry if the BM is large, bulky, floats, doesnt flush and is grey or white and happens more than once in a few day period - this is due to the duct being blocked - yellow or mustard colour is 80% of the time due to fast transit time and why 'curry bum' is that colour. Anxiety and stress will almost always make you have this (think about the night before a date or exam). Lack of these enzymes in your blood is also easily noted and would warrant immediate investigation (same day admission).
2. Urine; Orange urine/golden urine is not a sign for them it needs to be verging on coffee/bitter colour and is down to the bilburin build up - this would be found on a urine sample and in a blood test and is not subtle and will not go away.
3. Pain; pain is usually a later symptom of the few cases he has ever seen the presenting symptom was painless jaundice as pain comes after the mass has started pressing on nerves and other organs so with this particular nasty pain is a positive sign in absence of anything else.
4. Jaundice; He said even if I had presented with Jaundice they would not consider PC given how rare it is without other symptoms but did say it would be obvious, itching is hands and feet primarily and would be easily evident in two parts of a blood test.
5. Stats (this one is me not the Dr) ONS stats for the UK gives 0.8/100,000 risk at anyone under 40 (going down to 0.3 in twenties) 14 males 35-39 are diagnosed each year from a population of 2,188,332 which is 0.001% (general all age population male is circa 33m; 4,553 cases or 0.01% and highest incidence is 844 in the 70-74 bracket and by comparison 9,000 are diagnosed with prostate cancer 70-74 and 339 get diagnosed with testicular cancer 35-39).
6. Weight loss; in my case 4ibs in a week he attributed to my anxiety (and to be fair the only one he did) he said if you are eating smaller meals because you feel crummy and have a stress lump in your throat and chest, have fast transit i.e voiding 1 and 2 and sitting up all night reading articles/posts on terrible disease then weight loss will be a significant side effect and though it can't be ignored should be considered in context.

He commented that the modern blood tests done in A&E with anyone presenting with abdominal pain, bowel issues, jaundice symptoms etc would usually pick up flags that would give them rise to do further tests - bile production, liver function and blood jaundice etc I asked him point blank if he had any suspicions following the blood results and he said 'no' He thinks I have gastritis and told me to book in an U/S to rule out gallstones but no rush - also said don't get focused on outlier cases on the internet they get reported for a reason; they are very rare and his comment was to think about it this way - take a rare disease x it by a rare diagnostic failure rate x internet x trolls it equals some place between highly unlikely and highly unusual - it can happen of course but the stats are on your side.

I'm personally still trying to dig myself out of the hole and combating the belief they did miss something in my blood work even after I specifically mentioned what I was scared of or that he lied to me about the test results just to send me home but hopefully this helps other people on this roller coaster to cross check with what they are being told by Doctors too.