Hi All
Hope you are all safe and well
Had HA for over twenty year (I’m 38) and have had numerous bouts of 'concerns' over the years the point I kind of live with it and know that I’m like this but at times it will get to me like the last few weeks.
So;
twenty years ago I had my first bloody BM went to the doctor got a DRE and he diagnosed an internal pile and since then I’ve had maybe one to three bloody BM's a year always a bright red streak in a single line on the poop and paper which the Dr said was a classic sign and not to worry. About 6 months later found what I thought was a 'lump' on one of my testicles and again trotted off to the doctor to be told he couldn’t feel anything abnormal at all; this got me worried about my own sanity and I kind of put it to the back of my mind - fast forward probably about 6 years and I started having back pains and bubbles in the toilet pan when peeing - spoke with Dr Google this time (I know!!) and my mind jumped to Kidney Cancer, pain passed and with plenty of water my waterworks returned to normal.
We had kids and for the better part of eight years I had other things to worry about so no HA issues and I thought I had cracked it until last year and it hasn’t stopped since - last June my face felt heavy and sagging Dr Google again and MND came up which terrified me I was taking selfies every day to look at my face for symmetry, checking my speech patterns, looking for atrophy at the same time I had to change Dr as mine had retired went in for a check-up and my BP was 150/85 and HR of 110 I told them I’m scared of tests and Dr's and my normal BP at home is more like 127/85 and HR of 70. I've obsessed on this for the last year and finally just before lockdown I'd put it to bed; then lockdown and I’ve been able to sit looking, inspecting, researching and drinking far to much blah blah and since March I've self-diagnosed throat cancer, skin cancer, sinus cancer, pancreatic cancer MND and bowel cancer - all with a very real symptom but much more easily explained my head just doesn’t seem to want to register it...pancreatic cancer was from indigestion and wind pain after a very large curry and a bottle and a half of wine at 10pm, two days of deflatine and it was gone but a pale brown BM for three days followed so a trip to the Dr and an exam gave no concerns, MND was actually from a strained tricep after the online HIIT classes, Skin cancer is a mole I've had that hasn’t changed for a t least 4 years, throat cancer is from a filling that rubs on my cheek and bowel cancer was from my piles oozing (no blood) which I've had for the whole time I've had them and the fact i'm terrified.
I'm sick of my guts churning all the time through worry, I’m terrified of doctors and tests and when I spoke with a CBT therapist I argued with them to the point that they said to come back when I wanted to stop being so negative - I just don't know how to.....I know that if I had a blood test today or a diagnosis today that doesn’t mean I won’t get something else tomorrow and in this lies the issue I'm always looking for the problems then finding proof of terrible disease, I look at stats and posts on sites like this and know they are all classic signs of HA; why can't I accept that I may be having symptoms of the thing I've got instead of coming up with every reason to say 'well it could have changed' even when none of the symptoms actually have. I know that when I push prod and self-test it will make an area sore, yet the discomfort is confirmation of the problem I am looking for and I go into the circle of self-fulfilling prophecy.
I get the symptoms of the things I read about and can't watch shows or interviews on TV that my mind may link to, look every day for jaundice, throat issues, mole changes....its just endless; I need to accept sh** will just happen and live each day as it comes but I can't get beyond the worry of whats around the next corner!
I know this is a long post and thank you to anyone who reads it - perhaps if it resonates with anyone you can let me know how you cope and perhaps what you do to relax the mind.
Thanks in advance guys.
Mark