Hi everyone,
I didn't really want to make this post as even writing it feels me with anxiety in case I jinx something, but I have developed an absolutely excessive fear of something bad happening to my loved ones. I don't even want to write out down who they are because of this, but there are two people close to me who I worry the most about, both of whom do not live near me.
I am constantly filled with dread and fear that something might happen to them. You hear all the time of things happening to people's family members and partners - i.e. freak accidents, murders, random heart attacks, etc. I know these are quite rare, but I also think why should I be the exception - if bad things happen to others they could easily happen to me. I absolutely know I could not go on functioning if something like this happened to the people I love the most. It sounds selfish because it sounds like I'm only thinking of the effect it would have on me, which I think is a component of the anxiety problems I have.
If they don't answer immediately when I call or text I am filled with an absolute cold dread thinking the worst. It's gotten so bad I feel in a total state of anxiety pretty much all day long which peaks at certain times. I can't think rationally and my heart pounds and I feel sick and my teeth even chatter I feel so frightened. Once I do hear from them the relief is so intense that I burst into tears each time - until the next time it happens. I feel powerless because I don't even live near them, or certainly not near enough that I could come to help them if they did get in trouble.
One person always texts me just after 8am when they wake up - the period after 8am each morning is the absolute worst time of the day and the worst feeling I have ever had whilst I wait to hear from them. One time it got to half past 8 and I was running around the house absolutely hysterical to the point of wanting to call someone to do a welfare check on them - it turns out they had issues with their phone. Upon writing this I know how irrational this behaviour is, but during these moments of what I have named ''Peak Anxiety'' my brain physically cannot think rationally until I hear from them.
I feel sad and down all the time and I don't know what to do. I have tried taking deep breaths, tried listening to music, focusing on something else in the room, etc and it doesn't work, because there is the part of my brain that goes ''there's still a chance something bad can happen''. It's like I am literally unable to accept any form of uncertainty in my life. I want to enjoy the time I have with my loved ones but it's like something is preventing me from doing so because I am stuck in this miserable black cloud of worrying endlessly about their welfare.
Another thing which concerns me are the physical symptoms I have with this. I am constantly getting heart palpitations and pressure-in-head type feelings which are anxiety-associated but it worries me having these symptoms long-term because I fear they will have a knock-on effect e.g. anerysms, stroke.
I haven't gone into as much detail as I'd like to with this post because I am so fearful that writing it down will make it come true (even though I know that's a form of anxiety in itself). It's affecting my work and my sleep as I feel constantly on edge. I know going to a GP is probably the obvious answer but given the situation with the virus I feel like it's going to be near impossible to get an appointment, let alone a proper one which can help me. I think my GP is currently telephone appointments unless urgent, and I don't feel I can express how bad this issue is over the phone alone.
I just wondered if anyone had suffered anything similar and had any tips for me. I live alone which probably doesn't help matters.
Thanks.
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