Really scared of dementia or something

[Cptdebbie]

Sigh. I just saw my internal medicine doctor this morning. We are going to tweak with my meds to try and help me deal with my increased anxiety from being so isolated during the Covid crisis. Hopefully I'll feel a little better soon. Right now my anxiety is super high.

I have a mirror that hangs above my piano. It has sort of scalloped edges. I guess I haven't really looked at it for a while (I have housecleaners who do the cleaning). I was sitting in my living room looking at it today and started to think, "Wait, I recall that mirror having way more of a ruffled edge." I started to wonder if I once had a different mirror with more ruffly edges at some point. I looked through some old pictures and nope. There is the same mirror in all the old pictures that is hanging above my piano now. It just doesn’t look like my memory is telling me it should.

It isn’t like I didn’t recognize one of my children. It still freaks me out, though, that I spend most of my time about 15 ft away from this mirror and I looked at it today and it didn’t look the way I thought this mirror looked.

My mother died of Alzheimer's disease, so it’s often on my mind. I'm going to be 60 next month. I'm younger than she was, but SIGH!!

Now I'm going to do a bit of pity post. I'm a widow. My husband died twenty months ago. He was emotionally abusive and I have lots and lots and lots of things I'm trying to work out. I go to therapy and try to meditate and exercise and all that stuff. The pandemic, though, is just defeating me. I feel like I'm totally losing my mind. I'm hoping one of you can relate to my experience and be able to calm me down a bit.

Thanks,
Debbie

[bluebella]

It’s a tough time. I’m not sure lm thinking straight and when l am in ‘anxiety’ l certainly can’t remember a thing. Having said that l think we all experience things like the mirror occasionally . Your brain only remembers the things as it wants to. It certainly doesn’t mean dementia, but l can understand your concerns.
More than likely you are just feelOMG rather over whelmed with all that you are dealing with right now.
Make sure you are taking time to relax - music, crafts, walks, etc

[pulisa]

You have a lot of time on your hands to overthink situations such as the mirror, Debbie. You say yourself that Alzheimer's is often on your mind and enforced isolation and loneliness can play havoc when you are already traumatised from many years of repeated emotional abuse which would break down anyone and cause them to question their sanity.

Are you able to relax at all though? How do you get through the days? Do you have contact with anyone at all? x

[Cptdebbie]

Thank you for your responses. They mean a lot to me.

This morning I am thinking that the "mirror" incident says a lot about the past couple of years. Right after we moved to this home, my husband became ill. We ultimately discovered he had never smoker's lung cancer. Losing him, realizing he had been abusing me, finding myself isolated and alone, and struggling with my mental illnesses have certainly preoccupied me. I am wondering if I just have not really looked at my mirror for a long time.

Pulisa, I really struggle to relax. I do meditation and mindfulness, but it just doesn't seem to be working at the moment. I know I need to change something. Sitting here in my house alone is not healthy. I have bad knees, so I can't get out and walk. I have my groceries delivered. I'm going today to get my knee injections. That will help a little.

I haven't made any close friends at my new house, and, essentially, my husband pressured us to move here to isolate me from my friends in our old neighborhood. SIGH. I do talk to my old friends, but going to lunch and things like that aren't really doable in this pandemic.

I talked with one of my sons yesterday. I don't think my children have realized how badly I'm struggling. My son offered to come and work from my house once a week. He lives a little over an hour a way. That's a lot to ask of him, but I gratefully accepted. I really think I need human contact almost every day. So, yay, I've got one day covered. Now I just need to figure out how to cover a few more days.

Again, thank you for responding. I really need places and people to turn to.

[katniss]

Debbie, I can completely relate to your anxieties. This pandemic has certainly taken a toll on the mental health of many. It is being called a mental health pandemic because of how it has impacted the population as a whole and drastically affected everyone’s lives. You are taking all the right steps to combat your anxiety: meditation, exercise and therapy. This is perhaps why you sound so sorted and clear. Which is a great thing! But I can see how the loneliness can affect you and amplify your health anxiety. All I can offer is a listening ear and some words of solace. You also seem to have an incredibly kind and understanding son. I am sure having him around once a week will be helpful

[katniss]

If you ever need to talk please, just know that we are here. I can relate to that sentiment as often that is really all that I need as well. Just people that will listen and offer some solace

[pulisa]

You've been isolated physically by your late husband and mentally by abuse and now of course by Covid. I think you should talk to your children about how trapped and lonely you feel? Just be honest because there must be something they could do to make life more bearable for you? Are restrictions being lifted a bit where you live? Can you phone your friends regularly even if you can't see them in person?

You're not going mad, Debbie. Covid has just thrown a massive spanner in the works. You were already in an extremely fragile state quite understandably and are now imprisoned in your own home with your memories and your husband's "legacy". Please talk to us on here if it helps you feel less alone? xx

[Cptdebbie]

Oh my gosh, your posts really touched my heart. Thank you for being there for me in my moment of need. You are truly angels sent from above.

[Cptdebbie]

Sorry, I forgot to answer some questions.

I do call my friends. I'm sure things would be much worse if I couldn't do that. It isn't enough for me though. I need human contact. My massage gal has started up again, so that is good. I go every other week. And, now I can go see my doctors face to face. I was delighted to go see my knee doctor this morning. LOL! We have, however, had a surge in Covid cases where I live. People are closing themselves off again. I have no idea how long this is going to last. SIGH!!!!

Thank you again for your kindness. It's heartwarming to know I have somewhere to go where people understand what I'm experiencing.

[pulisa]

Of course you need human contact and the pandemic has severely affected your ability to have this..but I would try to avoid having too many doctors' appointments because then you will be just focusing on your health and what could be wrong etc etc.

What does your knee doctor advise re walking?Surely some gentle walking would help with the pain and you could get out and about and at least see other people and it would be a change from your four walls?