I am scared of sex :(

[carabijoux]

Hey everyone,

It's been a long time since I've posted here, as - thankfully - my HA has been largely under control for the last couple of years.

I have an issue that I am highly embarrassed about, and really don't know who else to talk to.

This is somewhere I can post anonymously, with folks who understand how invasive health anxiety really can be.

This is really hard for me to post - so, please - don't judge me

So - my issue is that I am truly scared of sex.

I am a happily married woman of 13 years, with a beautiful daughter who is 9. We have previously enjoyed a healthy sex life, and there is no problem in the 'wanting' to, on either side.

We have not had sex for a loooooooong time, because I am scared of it. And I hate how it hurts my husband so much, despite how understanding he is. He really does have the patience of a saint, and I hate how unfair I am being towards him.

My fear is that having sex again after the longest time will highlight an illness that I don't currently have any evidence of.

For example - I know that bleeding after sex can be a sign of cancer.

I have ZERO evidence to suggest that there is anything wrong with me. I even had an internal exam a few weeks ago because of a few small lumps I'd found (just cysts), and the doctor said everything looks normal.

I am fully up-to-date with my smears.

I really don't know where this fear is coming from, but it's really bringing me down.

I am scared that I will bleed after sex anyway because it has been a while, and that will cause my HA to relapse. I just couldn't bare for that to happen after being in a good place for so long.

I just feel so grateful to be able to post this here. It feels like a weight off my shoulders.

Thank you xo

[BlueIris]

Hi Carabijoux,

I'm in your position, too - I'm terrified I'll bleed if I have sex and that this will be the start of my cancer journey. I wish I knew what to tell you, other than to cherish your man like I cherish mine.

Try to remember it's not your fault you're ill? Besides, while sex is important there are plenty of other important things in a marriage.

[carabijoux]

Ahhh thank you so much lovely. I'm so sorry you feel this way too :(

The thing is - we have a wonderful relationship. Very loving, we're truly best friends. We do everything together, and are still very affectionate.

It's just this ONE thing that's missing. And I know it hurts my husband deeply, because he misses that intimacy. It's a sad thing :( x

[BlueIris]

Would I be okay to PM you? I have a few suggestions that have helped me, but I'm embarrassed to talk about them here.

[carabijoux]

Yes please do! I'd really appreciate that <3 xo

[whispershadow]

I'm sorry you have a fear of sex, after a bad relationship i have a fear of sex as well but for me its letting the other person get close enough thats my problem

[WiseMonkey]

It's important for women to have a yearly gynecological examination although pap smears/HPV need only be done every 3 years. If you know that your smear is good and that there are no other gynecological issues, then overcoming the fear of sex (or rather bleeding after sex) could be the perfect opportunity to over come your fears with logic. It's a process of elimination and has nothing to do with cancer but overcoming your fears of it.

If there is some spotting with sex then it is likely to be due to fragile vaginal tissues, which can happen as women age. A check by your Dr can reveal this and can be overcome by using an estrogen based cream eg. Ovestin. If you are stressed then the muscles will tighten and you could get some fissuring of the posterior fourchette, the solution is also estrogen cream which can be used externally as well as internally.

There are also other benign conditions that can cause spotting after sex, cervicitis, cervical erosion and occasionally hormonal issues. These can also be detected though examination and blood tests (for hormonal issues).

Of course (as BlueIris pointed out) there are other options, which work but won't help you overcome your fear of bleeding after sex and cancer.

[Jinja]

I felt such a sense of relief reading your posts, I genuinely thought I was the only one who felt this way and it’s so reassuring to know I’m not. As was already mentioned, if your smears are up to date, then bleeding/spotting after sex is unlikely to be sinister. Have you ever considered CBT for this? Or as unusual as it is, I’ve heard good things about hypnotherapy too

[WorriedOlive]

It’s reassuring to know there are others with a fear of bleeding after sex out there. Like you, I am in a very affectionate relationship but it does always make me wary and i always have to run to the toilet straight away to check myself with toilet paper for signs of blood and then obsessively check the bedding for signs of bleeding. Strangely every time I can assure myself I haven’t bled I use this as a reassurance that I don’t have cancer, which is ridiculous and a bad reassurance seeking habit but HA makes you do crazy things.

I don’t have any advise other than maybe trying CBT and discussing the issue. I know I’ve been told avoidance of normal things fuels the anxiety so sometimes you have to do things and just feel the fear for them to go away.

[katniss]

I actually had this problem when I was in my mid twenties. I would bleed after sex. No cause was found. So sometimes you could definitely bleed and it still be nothing. I would take action for this though because as human beings and as “mammals”, we have a high need for intimacy, especially sexual intimacy. You are not doing any kind of wrong to your husband. You are simply afraid and have anxiety. However to prolong this and not seek help will hurt your relationship. Seeking help early will allow you to resume a healthy sexual relationship with your husband which would be good for you because your anxieties surrounding sex will hopefully be diminished and your husband would be able to get the intimacy he craves