Argument with my mum

[O_O]

I had an argument with my mum. I don't really know where to post about it apart from on this forum.

I really want to try to be unbiased about it.

She's been staying with me in my flat since lockdown began in the UK, so from around late March. We've been getting on fine for the most part.

It goes without saying that I'm not asking her for any money to stay here or anything, or pay any bills. I buy the main food shop every week (about £45) and I cook all the evening meals. She makes lunch and does all the cleaning and shopping for daily items such as milk etc. I'd say on the whole she is doing more housework than me, but I am probably spending more money. I work during weekdays (from home) and she does not work much (she is 70, but does sometimes write indexes for books. She spends most of the day writing her own social history books but doesn't make any money for that - it's more of a hobby).

I think this arrangement is quite fair. I am wondering whether you agree? Or should I be doing more housework?

She leaves the hob on a lot. She's left it on 7 times since she has been staying here. One time it nearly set fire to some cardboard before I noticed, and another time it burnt a saucepan. It's not dementia or anything, she's just always been very absent minded. At first I expressed annoyance about this, but now I just tell her when she does it. She never apologises, just pulls a face like "oopsy!"

Today she was taking some cardboard boxes out to the bins to be recycled and I realised that something I'd bought was missing. I'd asked her if she'd checked the boxes before throwing them out and she said she thought so, but that I should check. I checked the bin, and found the item she'd thrown out by mistake.

I'll admit I was quite annoyed, but perhaps I shouldn't have been because she was just trying to tidy up.

I said, "You did throw it out," and I probably looked irritated. She just sort of went "ah, ok" with no apology, which made me even more annoyed. I said, "I wish you wouldn't do that." Then she got annoyed and dropped the cardboard box she was carrying and told me to deal with it.

When I came back in I was still annoyed and I told her that I'd just expected her to apologise, as I would have done if I'd accidentally thrown someone's possession away. I also said that she never apologised for leaving the hob on, which was probably an irrelevant thing to say.

She isn't talking to me now and has gone out. I don't know where she's gone.

If I think about it, I think she feels that she is doing all the cleaning and housework and I'm just criticising her when she makes mistakes. I can see that, and maybe she's right. On the other hand, I'd expect an apology for a mistake, even if it's an accident. I would always automatically apologise for something I did wrong, even if it was human error.

I know that I will be biased about this though.

I was wondering what other people thought, and what I should say to her.

[Sparkle1984]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I think your current arrangement sounds fair, but it would be a good idea to arrange to sit down with your mum to discuss how you feel. She may not realise that her lack of apologies is upsetting you. So you could say something like "when you leave the hob on and don't apologise, it makes me feel hurt." At the same time, you could also discuss the arrangements for the shopping and housework, and ask if she thinks the current arrangement is fair. If she thinks it isn't, you could try and come to a new agreement.

Also, to improve your relationship with your mum, try and set aside some time to do things you enjoy together.

I hope this helps a bit. I'm not an expert in this matter but didn't want this post to go unanswered.

[Scass]

I’m surprised you haven’t had more arguments!
Sometimes it gets a bit much for everyone. Maybe just check that she’s happy with the arrangements. She’s not a flat mate, she’s family & I’m sure she doesn’t mind what she’s doing.

Nice recommendation from Sparkle to set time aside to do something together though.

Hope you’re alright & she’s home soon.


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[Carys]

You've been together since lockdown started - 4 months living in each others' pockets at a stressful time ! - this is hardly even any big argument its just getting a bit ratty (in my eyes). Being thrown together with people for long periods of time is stressful and disagreements happen to be honest, when she comes back sit down and talk to each other. Being unbiased I don't think an 'apology' for leaving the hob on is needed, what I'd personally hope for is that she takes it seriously, looks concerned and can see its dangerous, and makes a concerted effort to make sure it doesn't happen again. Apologies don't solve things, they can be hollow words, so the apology itself wouldn't be something that wouldn't mean much to me. Accidents and mistakes happen, but they can become big issues when people are grating on each others nerves. Just sit down and chat to each other - you are both pulling your weight, as much as you can, I think it might be about finding a bit of space from each other after so long together.

[O_O]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I think you're right and it's probably to be expected that we'd argue sometimes. I think she really hates arguments though, moreso than me.

We're ok now and we just watched some Schitt's Creek together!

Scass, you're quite right, and wanting an apology is a bit silly. I think I just wanted her to acknowledge that the hob thing was a problem and she needed to take steps to stop leaving it on... when it seems like she doesn't think it's a problem it really annoys me! The cardboard was actually smoking when I found it, and would have set on fire if it had been left much longer. When I told her, she just sort of pulled a face! And literally the next day she left it on again!

I think you're right that actually it's not an apology that's needed. We just need to discuss these things and find a way of making it work better.

Thanks again for your helpful replies.

[WiredIncorrectly]

The lockdown situation is tough on a lot of families. Myself, my partner and child have had the brunt end of it too. It's difficult.

Given your mothers age I'd be happy with the arrangement that she does some cleaning and pottering about while you work. I wouldn't charge my family or mother either so I think it's a fair deal.

The hob thing is concerning for yours and her safety. Does she have a different setup at home that she may be getting confused about? Or any habits from home that may be ingrained? I dislike electric hobs and have be known to leave them on myself at other peoples homes as I've always used gas.

[Lencoboy]

I think there's always certain individuals that are either absent-minded, or purely selfish with a sense of entitlement and have clumsy tendencies but a 'don't really care' attitude.

I remember having a massive row with my dad when I was about 15 because he demanded that he borrowed one of my very first 'owned' CDs that I had for Christmas in 1991 to use for a demonstration at work (he worked in a college at the time), and it came back with the disc badly scratched (and skipping/sticking on a couple of tracks) and one corner of its jewel case chipped and he was convinced that CDs couldn't be damaged like vinyl records and his other excuse was that he was seriously in a hurry at the time.

Mind you, my dad (bless him) has always been one for wanting to show off the latest high-tech gadgets, especially at that time when most people were still using cassettes for the vast majority of audio applications beyond the home hi-fi set up.

[MyNameIsTerry]

The arrangement sounds good but asking for her opinion would be away go check if she is happy with it. Just frame as you did to us: you are asking if you've got the balance right on your side. This say she won't think you are subtlety trying to raise an issue about her.

At her age you will have to make allowances for things. It's just part of the natural slowdown we will all go through.

I do think she could have apologised because shrugging it off was denying her part in it. But does she do much apologising anyway? We don't in my family and mostly it has always been expected the kids apologise rather than the adults. As we have aged it has caused some rows because we should now be equals yet parents can struggle with this, especially if you still live at home. I find this and with the current pressures brought on by my mum's illness, and that my dad has found himself thrown in the deep end taking over her side of home affairs, we've had a lot of rows. It's the old two tigers in a cage issue. Something we have to work in but the important part is that you are back to normal soon after.

[ForestGirl]

One day she'll be gone and these little things won't even matter.

[Noivous]

It's often not easy for adults to live together who aren't sharing the same bed. I had my brother come and stay at my house for about nine months pre-virus. I love the guy dearly but wanted to put a pillow over his head on several occasions. To add to it and the reason he was there in the first place he was dealing with a serious mental illness. He's been out and back on his own (sort of) since December. We had supper last night together and we had a great time.
I guess the point is maybe you just can't live with your mom. That's not uncommon and perfectly normal. When does she move back home?

N.