I had an argument with my mum. I don't really know where to post about it apart from on this forum.
I really want to try to be unbiased about it.
She's been staying with me in my flat since lockdown began in the UK, so from around late March. We've been getting on fine for the most part.
It goes without saying that I'm not asking her for any money to stay here or anything, or pay any bills. I buy the main food shop every week (about £45) and I cook all the evening meals. She makes lunch and does all the cleaning and shopping for daily items such as milk etc. I'd say on the whole she is doing more housework than me, but I am probably spending more money. I work during weekdays (from home) and she does not work much (she is 70, but does sometimes write indexes for books. She spends most of the day writing her own social history books but doesn't make any money for that - it's more of a hobby).
I think this arrangement is quite fair. I am wondering whether you agree? Or should I be doing more housework?
She leaves the hob on a lot. She's left it on 7 times since she has been staying here. One time it nearly set fire to some cardboard before I noticed, and another time it burnt a saucepan. It's not dementia or anything, she's just always been very absent minded. At first I expressed annoyance about this, but now I just tell her when she does it. She never apologises, just pulls a face like "oopsy!"
Today she was taking some cardboard boxes out to the bins to be recycled and I realised that something I'd bought was missing. I'd asked her if she'd checked the boxes before throwing them out and she said she thought so, but that I should check. I checked the bin, and found the item she'd thrown out by mistake.
I'll admit I was quite annoyed, but perhaps I shouldn't have been because she was just trying to tidy up.
I said, "You did throw it out," and I probably looked irritated. She just sort of went "ah, ok" with no apology, which made me even more annoyed. I said, "I wish you wouldn't do that." Then she got annoyed and dropped the cardboard box she was carrying and told me to deal with it.
When I came back in I was still annoyed and I told her that I'd just expected her to apologise, as I would have done if I'd accidentally thrown someone's possession away. I also said that she never apologised for leaving the hob on, which was probably an irrelevant thing to say.
She isn't talking to me now and has gone out. I don't know where she's gone.
If I think about it, I think she feels that she is doing all the cleaning and housework and I'm just criticising her when she makes mistakes. I can see that, and maybe she's right. On the other hand, I'd expect an apology for a mistake, even if it's an accident. I would always automatically apologise for something I did wrong, even if it was human error.
I know that I will be biased about this though.
I was wondering what other people thought, and what I should say to her.