In the last 3 weeks or so, my anxiety has come back at full force and it's been so overwhelming that the techniques I learnt at therapy 5 years ago are no longer having much effect. As a result, I reluctantly decided to go back on citalopram again, after being off it completely for a year.

During the first few months of 2020, I felt like I was coping fairly well, in spite of the coronavirus pandemic and lockdown.

It was around May that things started to get more difficult for me. I've been working from home since mid-March and at first I thought I would prefer it, but I haven't enjoyed it as much as I thought I would. The longer it's gone on, the worse I feel. However, that was more like mild depression than the anxiety I've been feeling for the last 3 weeks.

The theme of my anxiety is a bit different from my last major episode in 2015 - I'm getting quite a lot of intrusive thoughts about mistakes I've made in the past and near-misses I've had, even from several years ago, and I catastrophise over how they could have turned out worse (even though they had no real negative effects at the time).

Day 1 - Thursday 30th July

I felt anxious when I went to bed last night. I feel like I didn't sleep very well - as if I was only half asleep and I kept waking up every hour or so. I woke up a long time before my alarm feeling panicky. I made the decision to call the doctor.

I went to work as normal - I felt a bit calmer as I knew help was on the way. Doctor called about 3pm. Back on my medication, 10mg then review in 3 weeks. He also recommended the Live Life to the Full website. I took the first tablet after tea, at about 4.30pm. My 2 nieces and my eldest niece's boyfriend then came round and sat in the garden with us. My eldest niece told us more about her recent mental health experiences and recommended her therapist to me. I looked up the therapist online and she sounds very good.

I had a good group support chat on Turn2me.ie, much better than last week. Ordered a Buddy Box from the Blurt Foundation so I have something to look forward to if the side effects get bad next week.

I've felt in a lighter mood tonight and less anxious this evening. The intrusive thoughts seem to be more in the background and less in the forefront of my mind.

Day 2 - Friday 31st July

I think I slept a bit better last night. I still did my work today (I've been working from home since mid-March) as I haven't had any really serious side effects yet and still felt able to concentrate.

In the evening, I noticed a slight increase in my anxiety and the negative thoughts have been a bit more intrusive than they were yesterday. I also noticed I had a fast heartbeat in the early part of the evening, and after I had taken my second tablet, I noticed that my thighs were a bit tensed up later in the evening.

To try and take my mind off things, I watched a film on Amazon Prime (I chose the Horrible Histories movie as I wanted something fairly light-hearted and easy to follow). I could still feel the negative thoughts in the back of my mind, and every so often they came to the forefront of my mind, but I still enjoyed watching the film more than I thought I would.

I'm pleased it's the weekend now so I don't have the pressure of work. I expect the side effects will start to kick in more in the coming days.